NFL Week 3 Picks & Predictions - Brandon Weeden Pass to Darren DankFadden INTERCEPTED

Put. That coffee. Down. Coffee's for catchers only

Fuck you. That's my name. You know why, mister? You drove a Hyundai to get here. I drove an eighty-thousand dollar BMW. THAT'S my name. And your name is you're wanting. You can't play in the man's game, you can't close them - go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life: Get them to sign on the line which is dotted. You hear me you fucking faggots? A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Catching. Always be catching. ALWAYS BE CATCHING.

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NFL Week 2 Picks & Predictions - Bush Lied, Kuechly Died

I walk a lonely road

The only one that I have ever known

Don't know where it goes

But it's home to Dez and he caught the ball.

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NFL Week 1 Picks & Predictions - We Made It

Now and then the less organised ululation would cease, and from what seemed a well-drilled chorus of hoarse voices would rise in sing-song chant that hideous phrase or ritual:“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl Dez Caught It fhtagn.”

Steelers @ Patriots

Considering how weak the Steelers' defense looks, I’m almost certain that they won’t score a garbage time touchdown with 2 seconds left in the game and cover the spread and cost me 20 cock sucking dollars.

Packers @ Bears

The NFL’s oldest rivalry is rekindled when Green Bay travels to Soldier Field, a stadium rich in prestige, to dumpster the Bears 74-0. The Packers are without Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb will be dinged up, so DaVante Adams will have to pick up the slack and rack up 200 receiving yards against a bunch of trash cans wearing Bears jerseys. 

Eddie Royal and Alshon Jeffery might not play for Chicago, so I hope you're excited to watch Jay Cutler force balls to Marquess Wilson (I am). Defensively…oh man. Defensively. The only notable defenders are guys playing out of position that are either in their mid 30’s and have lost a step or are coming off severe injuries. It’s almost like the football Gods heard us talking about the Bears fielding the 47th worst defense in football last year and is desperate to prove us wrong. What’s that, it can’t possibly get worse? Here’s Jared Allen in coverage, suck a dick dumbshits. 

As an NFL owner, I look forward to watching My Packers open the first NFL Sunday with an episode of Breaking Madden, and for the only shot Cutler has is one right down the seams into Clinton-Dix's hands. 

Chiefs @ Texans

I’m not gonna lie, I legitimately forgot who Houston was starting at quarterback. Imagine my surprise when I realized a team watched Brian Hoyer play last season and thought “yeah, this is probably the missing piece.” Fortunately for them they also have JJ Watt, who has proven without a shadow of the doubt that this is a quarterback league. It doesn’t matter if you’re the best defensive player in NFL history, if your quarterback is T.J. Yates you’re still only gonna win 2 games. I’m so over everything about Watt's "Doing Things the Right Way" bullshit persona. I don’t care how good he is, he’s the posterchild for the entire baby boomer old white guy “WHY DONT THEY JUST PUT SKIRTS ON EM” football fan. Chris Berman pounds one out to the thought of Watt spitting on him and calling him a lazy millennial who needs to pull himself up by his bootstraps. Every time JJ complains about selfies Mike Ditka’s knees get weak and he stains his khakis with silly string. I'd still murder distant relatives in the middle of the night if it meant he'd play for my team, though. 

Browns @ Jets

I have to say, I really appreciate this game occurring in week 1. We’ve patiently waited through baseball and in return we've been rewarded with the Dumpster Bowl first thing Sunday morning. I'm so excited to watch Todd Bowles put 6 defensive backs on the field and force whatever garbage McCown brother is inexplicably starting for a team this year deal with it. I'm sure Number One Receiver Andrew Hawkins will do just fine against Revis, and Literally A Starting Receiver in 2015 Brian Hartline will probably get open plenty against Cromartie. The Browns have literally no way to generate offense against New York's defense, and yet it will still end up being a 7-3 game. I missed you so much, football. Enjoy losing to Ryan Fitzpatrick shitbirds, reap what you sow for releasing T-Peezy. 

The brown remains unchanged

Colts @ Bills

I really hope one day there will be more than 3 good teams in the AFC. Unfortunately, today is not that day, so every team the Colts face that isn’t the Patriots or Broncos is going to end with Andrew Luck throwing four touchdowns.
Let me go ahead and spoil the rest of the season for you: Colts are gonna win double digit games and then lose by 30 to the Patriots whenever they meet in the playoffs.

I'm more interested in the Bills because they have quietly assembled every Madden team I've ever built. Top tier quarterback? Too expensive. Good offensive line? Waste of draft picks. Just get me someone cheap who can scramble when the pocket breaks down and a bunch of fast guys to throw to. Get me Shady, Get me Percy Harvin, and go ahead and throw Watkins in there so I have someone to lob pass to in the redzone. I'm not saying I'd win 16 games if I was Buffalo's offensive coordinator, I'm just saying I trust myself more than I trust Greg Roman. 

Let's all just take a couple of weeks to enjoy the ride on the Tyrod Taylor train before he gets benched for Matt Cassel in week 4.

Dolphins @ Redskins

I use sarcasm a lot as a defense mechanism when I write, but I am being 100% serious when I say that at this point in my life I get more pleasure out of watching the Redskins be the Redskins than I get from watching my own team win. I mean sure, watching the Cowboys win a playoff game last year was pretty cool. But Gruden calling 5 step drop back for RG3 until he got concussed out of his starting job in the preseason and then calling designed rollouts for Kirk Cousins? It's what dreams are made of. Declaring Griffin unable to play, then a doctor clearing him, then that doctor resigning after it was revealed he's essentially been treating concussions with Tylenol and 10 milligrams of "rub some dirt in it?" Better than any ring could ever be.

What's that, you had the fifth overall pick in the draft? Did you take the best player available? No. Did you take a tackle and convert him to guard? Yes. Is said guard making his first NFL start against Ndamukong Suh? Yes. The day Dan Snyder isn't the owner of the Redskins is the day I stop loving football.

It never gets old

Panthers @ Jaguars

Let's play a game. It's a game many people in Carolina are fond of called The Flag Is Actually a Symbol of Heritage who are the Panthers' starting receivers going into this game? Kelvin Benjamin? Silly goose, he's out for the season. Devin "Drops in Bunches" Funchess? Not just yet, sailor. Do you give up? It's Philly "Almost Didn't Make the 53" Brown and Ted "Brady Quinn.gif" Ginn.

Another season where Cam Newton, who should be one of the most exciting players in football, will take the field with no receivers, no offensive line, broken running backs, and a tight end who is his only reliable receiving target but is relegated to blocking. Hope you're ready for him to scrape out a win against a deceivingly good Jags team and get ripped apart in the media for smiling. I just don't like the attitude of this guy who consistently plays hurt with no talent around him. Now Derek Anderson, there's something about him I inherently trust with my football team and also my daughter. 

This game is probably going to be boring, but maybe that bugnuts insane ramblin' gamblin' man Riverboat Ron will do someone crazy like not punt on 4th and 1 on Jacksonville's 20. 

A live look at the crowd every time Cam celebrates after a touchdwon

Seahawks @ Rams

I can almost talk myself into it. Seahawks didn't look like world beaters in either game against the Rams last year, even dropping one game in St. Louis. They're going to be without Kam Chancellor and will be force to put an even weaker offensive lien against a dominant St. Louis front 7. The Rams (sort of) have a functional QB. I stare at the matchups until I go cross eyed, and I nearly circle the Rams. And then I remember one team was a play away from being back to back Super Bowl champions and the other is coached by Jeff Fisher. Womp womp.

Saints @ Cardinals

Hey Bob, how do you want to start your 2015 NFL season? I'll take Drew Brees away from the Superdome limpdicking the ball into Patrick Peterson's hands while Carson Palmer throws 3 TDs, please.
 

Lions @ Chargers

The Lions drafted Ameer Abdullah in the second round and although we've only seen him in preseason, he looks like the second coming of Jahvid Best. Here's hoping when he shoots himself in 20 years he aims for the chest and donates his brain to science. 

Titans @ Buccaneers

Marcus Mariota vs Jameis Winston is almost interesting enough to make me watch this game. Almost. The only reason I want the Bucs to win is solely because more Buccaneers touchdowns equals more canon shots from the big stupid pirate ship. Not that it'll matter, I'm not going to see it. No amount of rookie hype will ever trick me into voluntarily watching a Titans game again. 

Bengals @ Raiders

Do you have any idea how badly I want the Raiders to be good again? The world needs the Raiders to be a playoff team. You need it. I need it. We all need it. We need Latavius Murray to rush for 2000 yards and for Carr to Cooper to be the new Brady to Moss. What's that? Never going to happen? Fine, I'll at least settle for Oakland finishing with a better record than the 49ers. 

It looks like they're really turning things around

Ravens @ Broncos

Week 1 hasn't even begun and I'm already sad about this being Steve Smith's last year. It's like when you survive the ungodly heat of Summer and before the temperature even hits the mid 70's you're already upset that Fall is almost over, except instead of leaves changing color and pumpkin spice lattes it's starting fist fights on the sidelines. Look forward to Peyton going 3 and out the entire first quarter as he politely runs Kubiak's under center offense and then telling Gary to eat a bag of dicks and taking every single snap for the rest of the season from the shotgun. 

Giants @ Cowboys

You smell that? That potent aroma that fills the September air. Week one. Primetime. In front of millions of people. Your first healthy dose of Clownball. I have waited all Summer to watch two NFC East teams desperately 3 Stooges a win to the other team, and all my months of anime and jacking off patience are finally paying off. As a Cowboys fan, I am absolutely terrified to watch the running back by committee gameplan play out. I am mortified because the second McFadden goes down and grabs his ankle the NBC camera is going to cut to the executive sweet and Jerry Jones is going to throw a champagne glass against the wall and call up Trent Richardson. It’s almost too perfect not to happen. Maybe Joseph Randle will fumble in the fourth quarter and Jerry will start flipping tables and call up Felix Jones and Peyton Hillis and get the whole Arky band back together.

Which defensive back from the Island of Misfit Toys is going to cover Dez Bryant? How many times will Brandon Carr get posterized? Why won’t JPP just show us his stumpy hand? All these questions and more will be answered when two rivals face off in front of the entire country for a pulse pounding game of Calvinball. So if you’re one of those people that complains that the NFC East gets too many Sunday Night games, keep it to yourself while Eli Manning gets intercepted by a defensive end and Morris Claiborne tears his ACL in the process of giving up a 70 yard fourth quarter touchdown. If you think this game isn’t ending with a 2 point attempt being intercepted and run back for 2 you’re out of your fucking mind.

The Giants are bad. Their offensive line is non existent. They have no defense to speak of. I'm not entirely sure their strong safety isn't actually Vincent Adultman. Victor Cruz is out. The Giants might not even hit .500 this year.

...Giants by 3. 

Good to see Claiborne and Carr in midseason form

Eagles @ Falcons 

This offseason has put me in a weird spot. It’s the Eagles. Their suffering brings me unparalleled joy. At least 50% of my football enjoyment comes from eaglestrophycase.jpg. I have no shame about this. But Chip’s Wild Ride is so insane that I almost want it all to work out. 

Don’t get me wrong, a Mark Sanchez led Eagles team winning 3 games would be like Christmas. But wouldn’t it be hilarious if Sam Bradford stayed healthy all year and this offense put up 60 points a game? I mean really now. Imagine MVP Sam Bradford throwing 50 touchdowns to Agholor and literally no one else. 
Do you think there are some morning where Bradford wakes up in a cold sweat and has to reassure himself he’s not with Schottenheimer anymore, and then he calls up Chip at 4 am and whispers “thank you” and hangs up? 

It’s just going to be a shame when he gets knocked out of the game on Monday and Mark Sanche-wait, who are they playing? Atlanta? Fuck, I guess I’ll save those notes for another week. Looking forward to the Falcons losing by 20, but still winning their garbage heap division by 3 games. Desmond Trufant is going to carry this dumpster team to 9 wins and earn Matt Ryan another well deserved one and done playoff appearance. 

Vikings @ 49ers

I love these week 1 Monday Night Football double headers. The second the Super Bowl ends you begin frothing at the mouth for training camp. Training camp arrives and you quickly realize you’re reading scouting reports where every single player looks good and is having the best camp of their lives. So you wait for preseason, and then preseason finally comes and it’s awesome for about a quarter. It’s not great, it’s not even good, but it’s a vague reflection of football through a cracked mirror, so it’ll work for four weeks. Just have to hold out a bit longer and then we get REAL football. Every single team is gonna play and I’m not going to leave the couch. My room will be a wretched hive of pizza and empty bottles. I’ve told my boss I have a vague religious thing to do on Sunday and I don’t have friends or family that care about me, so I’m good to go. 

Sunday is fucking awesome, and you wake up Monday morning and it’s like holy shit, TWO MORE football games. And then you stay up until midnight listening to Chris Berman and Trent Dilfer ramble over some dogshit west coast team and you realize you should probably stop devoting every fathom of your existence to football and pick up a new hobby like needlepoint or suicide.

I hope you’re excited for Berman to wax poetic about THE CATCH as highlights from decades past crossfade into Torrey Smith getting decleated by Anthony Barr because Kaepernick threw a fastball into the dirt. I don’t know about you, but I’m white knuckle excited at not getting to bed until 2 am because there’s a game delay to try to fix their garbage field. The Bridgewater Era is finally here, and it will begin not with a bang, but with a Tomsula press conference.

The offense just couldnt uh execute, Fryman

Now if you’ll excuse me, me and my best friend Incognito Mode are gonna go pass the time until Sunday. Later, tater. 

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I'm Back Y'all

My dear sweet life partner Draw Play Dave is doing team previews at uproxx, and was kind enough to ask me to do a Cowboys one. Read it here, then read all of them because they're all good.

See you nerds in a couple weeks, the road to 8-8 begins soon.

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NFL Super Bowl XLIX Preview - I Didn't Use the Word "Deflategate" Once

It’s finally here, you guys. The final stopgap between you, me, and pitchers and catchers reporting. We just have to suffer through one more stupid, childish, barbaric football game until the countdown to the countdown to 9 months of baseball begins. Get your Phiten necklaces ready. 

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NFL Conference Championships Picks & Predictions - All Four of My Favorite Teams Made It

Conference Championship Sunday. We're another weekend closer to the clock striking midnight on football season, the one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. Soon the carriage will be turned into a pumpkin, my gorgeous dress will turn to rags, and the barren void of baseball shall consume this once-fertile land. Yes it's the weekend before the biggest game of the year - the Pro Bowl - and as usual we've managed to cram some of the least likable fanbases possible into the Super Bowl. Cheer for no one, pray for meteors to hit the stadium, but watch every second of it because you're all addicts. 

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NFL Divisional Playoffs Picks & Predictions - I Love My Cowboys, Packers, and Patriots

The best weekend of football is here. The seven best teams and also the Panthers will face off to determine who will go on to the conference finals and who will draft in the high 20's and get stuck reaching for a receiver that would have been there in the second round. 

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Cowboys vs Lions Wild Card Recap

I am alone. I sit on the couch with the lights off, the blackout curtains drawn, and the ceiling fan rhythmically whirring above me. I have a cold beer nearby, and alcohol slightly further out of reach. You know, just in case this game goes the way I think it will. My soulless eyes, which normally serve as a window to my broken spirit, reflect the FOX pregame show. My eyes glaze over as they build the narratives around the game. It is the first time in history one of the leading stories in a playoff matchup began with the sentence “Barry Church had this to say.” It’s finally over. They’ve given their picks. Rob Riggle has wiped whatever was left of a smile off my face. Footage of Romo bobbling the snap is shown. I clutch my beer tightly. 

It’s time. 

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NFL Wild Card Picks & Predictions - I Hope My Cowboys and Steelers Win This Week

It's been a long season. Domestic abuse, child abuse, Johnny Manziel - the list goes on and on. Whether your team snagged a bye, barely limped in, or is watching from the couch, we can all agree that it's hilarious that the Eagles missed the playoffs.

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NFL Week 17 Picks & Predictions - Who Wants it Less?

This is it. The final week of the regular season. More importantly, the final week of Redzone until next September. No Thursday Night Football, no Monday Night Football. One day, every team, all divisional matchups. I hope my boy hole can handle it. 

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NFL Week 16 Picks & Predictions

*slams fist on desk* FOOTBALL ON SATURDAY? Son of a BITCH. Clear the schedule. Clear the whole thing. If RG3 throws an interception and I'm not there to post "RG3INTs" I'll be the laughing stock of my entire timeline. You will take time away from my kids but you will not be responsible for me missing hot NFL memes fresh out of the oven. God DAMN you for this, Goodell. 

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NFL Week 15 Picks & Predictions

Rome. Whats up. I wanted to chime in on the Panthers. I guess you could say that’s not the only drive of Cam’s that ended with a turnover. Hehehe, see what I mean? I guess you could say he can’t finish a drive. Hahaha. Blacks are lazy and will never succeed at the elite level of quarterback because their inferior brains can’t process intricate playcalling and defense recognition. Thanks for taking my call. 

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NFL Week 14 Picks & Predictions

It's already week 14. I have absolutely no interest in watching at least half of these games, but by April I will be pleading with Gods of every denomination for a chance to watch Giants @ Titans. It is my duty to park my fat ass on the couch and absorb all of this while I can. It would be selfish not to.

Steelers @ Bengals

Oh good, a boring matchup between two shitty teams that are going to steal a wild card spot away from the Browns. Thanks football, you always know how to rob the world of Johnny Manziel running for his life in the pocket before heaving it behind the safeties to a wide open Josh Gordon. Why would I want that when I can watch the Red Rifle throw 3 picks. I don’t understand how you can be a Dalton fan. Nothing against him personally, but Red Rifle sounds way too close to Red Rocket, meaning you’re basically rooting for your quarterback to go out there when the game is on the line, read the defense, and jerk off a dog.

Colts @ Browns

Fuck the Browns. Re-benching Manziel? Not in this house. Editor’s note: I was going to make a joke about how I hope Trent Richardson rushes for 3 touchdowns, but curiosity got the best of me so I checked his stats and it turns out that’s how many he has on the entire season. Full disclosure, I laughed extremely hard.

Ravens @ Dolphins

It’s funny because Ricky Williams retired after he got caught smoking too much weed but Ray Rice has already been re-instated. God bless the NFL. 

Texans @ Jaguars

Don’t look know, but the Texans are this close to sneaking into a wild card spot and knocking Andy Dalton out of the playoffs for a third time. 

Bucs @ Lions

The odds of Jim Caldwell losing this game and this being the catalyst to not only the Lions missing the playoffs, but the Bucs winning their division are not in my favor, but the same could be said about finding a reason to get out of bed in the morning. 

Rams @ Redskins

It’s just too perfect, right? The Redskins gave up everything to the Rams to grab RG3, and now they face off again with Colt McCoy at quarterback. They might as well just save everyone an offseason of bullshit and switch coaches at halftime. Jeff Fisher is the perfect candidate to finish the job of breaking RG3 that Shanahan started by crumbling him down to his very core where he won’t even be viable as a backup. He will wander the cosmos like Vince Young in search of rookie banquets to speak at. 

Panthers @ Saints

Oh man, this division race is heating up. One of them might even hit .500 before unceremoniously getting destroyed at home by a 5 seed.

Giants @ Titans

The only highlight will be when Eli Manning takes the snap from the shotgun, yells “sic semper tyrannis” and throws a pass to Odell Beckham Jr. across the middle and he gets a m-m-m-m-m-monster concussion 

Jets @ Vikings

Geno Smith would suck a dick seven days a week and twice on Sundays just to have the privilege of throwing to Jarius Wright and handing off to Matt Asiata 

Bills @ Broncos

Kyle Orton wants a Jack and Coke on the rocks. And by rock, I mean Rocky Mountain High as he whiskeydicks Petyon’s home playoff chances right out the window. The Broncos dumped him for Tim Tebow and he’s gonna skywrite his rebuttal with touchdowns. You know this. 

Chiefs @ Cardinals

The only thing Drew Stanton is throwing is all of Bruce Arians’ Coach of the Year bids right into the toilet. Thanks for nothing you Dougie-ing mother fucker

Seahawks @ Eagles

Do you think Rex Ryan watches Mark Sanchez play for the Eagles and gently traces his Sanchize tattoo and whispers “I knew you had it in ya, kid” to his half empty glass of scotch

49ers @ Raiders

The Raiders will get an extended preview of their next head coach. Nobody is happier to see this matchup than police departments around the country. Finally someone will be murdered on the sidewalk in cold blood and they won't be involved.

Patriots @ Chargers

The Chargers’ playoff chances end not wing a bang, but with a whimper. The whimper coming from their fourth string center as Vince Wilfork grabs him by the ankle and takes a comically large bite out of him like a turkey leg.  

Falcons @ Packers 

The matchup of the week: 2 number one teams face off in a hahahahaha Packers by 30

Cowboys @ Bears

For the first time in what feels like 400 years, the Cowboys finally won 9 games. Not only is Romo having the best year of his career, he’s doing it with broken ribs on top of his broken back. He’s like Kurt Angle, except instead of winning a gold medal he’ll win the 6th seed and get buttfucked by the Packers by 45 points. Don’t worry, I’m sure the permanent damage to your spine and the inability to play catch with your son will be completely worth another offseason of being told you can’t win when it matters. 

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NFL Week 13 Picks & Predictions

I am a broken shell of a man. I am a husk of flesh and rum waiting for death to cover me like a snug blanket. Like one of the snug blankets you can find on the D31 endcap for 50% off. What a fantastic deal! Have you signed up for one of our Target Red Cards? You can save 5% ofasld;fkjds;lfjdaskl;gja;lga;lkgjal ;alfl;jadsfljals; 

Chargers @ Ravens

Pop the champagne, we did it guys. Ray Rice is finally free. Roger Goodell overstepped his authority and Ray Rice blocked the shit out of him and his overbearing ways. Speaking of blocking, the Chargers just put their third center on IR. Are you guys ready for the ultimate revenge game? 

Browns @ Bills

We've gotta be getting to that point where Hoyer is a couple more interceptions away from benched, right? Johnny has proven he's ready to go out there and hit them in the mouth, we just need Coach Jarrod from Storage Wars to make the call. 

Redskins @ Colts

Here we go baby, 2 years in the making. It's the RG3 - Andrew Luck showdown we've all been waiting for.  

Titans @ Texans

Rest in peace, Mallet. You were too beautiful for this world. You threw too close to the Sun.

Giants @ Jaguars

Tom Coughlin makes his triumphant return to Jacksonville. While this isn't the first NFL team Coughlin ever coached, the Decatur Staleys no longer exist so this will have to suffice. 

Bengals @ Bucs

Jesus Christ, Marvin Lewis and Lovie Smith facing off in a game with playoff implications. I can't even imagine what kind of funhouse bullshit is going to come out of this coaching tour de force. Andy Dalton will throw a pick to Dashon Goldson, who will lateral it out of bounds. Lovie will challenge it, the call will stand, then Marvin will call a timeout. This will happen in the first drive of the game and by halftime Josh McCown will be walking around screaming BIZARRO NUMBER ONE and soccer kicking the ball through the uprights while Mike Evans takes the coordinators headset and mumbles Latin into Josh's headset. Just remember that even when Vincent Jackson lifts his jersey to reveal Kuato living in his chest, it will still make more sense than the Bucs being 1 game out of the 1st overall draft pick and 2 games out of 1st in their division. 

Raiders @ Rams

It was nice of the Raiders to win on a Thursday so they could enjoy their only win of the season for an extra 2 days.

Panthers @ Vikings

A competition of who can murder their franchise quarterback faster. Mike Zimmer starts strong by drafting Teddy Throwsevelt but insisting on starting Matt Cassel. Ron Rivera chuckles to himself, cuts Steve Smith, lays down a trap card, and ends his turn. Zimmer gives the Kubrick Stare of the top of his glasses and asks "did it ever occur to you that I might be left-handed?" and signs J'Marcus Webb. 

Cardinals @ Falcons

Saints fans will spend all morning watching their team play and immediately switch over to this game to watch the Falcons try to slow down "Literally" Drew Stanton in a desperate hope to keep their playoff chances alive. God I love football sometimes. Not often, but sometimes. 

Saints @ Steelers

God fucking dammit the Steelers are going to make sure the Browns don't make the playoffs, aren't they?

Patriots @ Packers

The only good part about this game is one of these teams will lose. 

Broncos @ Chiefs

This is the Sunday night game instead, huh. 3 hours of Peyton Manning sideline shots and Al Michaels talking about how loud the crowd is. The only appealing part is watching Peyton play in an environment where every single thing doesn't go his way and he has temper tantrums. 

Dolphins @ Jets

The Dolphins said they'd bench Tannehill and since then he's played the best football of his career. Now for Rex Ryan's greatest master stroke, unleashing the New and Improved Geno Smith upon the oh fuck he got strip-sacked again. 

Seahawks @ 49ers

This goblin looking mother fucker goes out there and misses every throw by about 5 yards and gets picked off twice just to make the Cowboys grabbing a second wild card spot even harder. All I ask is you do something noteworthy besides get fined for wearing Beats to a press conference but instead you throw 2 (should have been 3) picks to Richard Sherman. And to top it off every single one of those interceptions was worth more money than I made in 15 hours of holiday pay. 

Bears @ Lions

Countless hours of my life I will never get back. Oh wait, that's incorrect. They're very countable. They're seared into my fucking brain. Hour after hour of wheeling out carts to the toy section so a bunch of overweight people that smell like burnt Indian food and cigarettes could immediately grab them off the shelves for their ugly fat kids. Every time I walked back out to the sales floor it felt as if another piece of my soul had been chipped away from me. Every call over the walkie to find more Ninja Turtles eroded a piece of my humanity. Every second ticking away was a second closer to the grave. I can only imagine that this is exactly how Mark Trestman feels watching Jay Cutler run his offense. 

Eagles @ Cowboys

This dumb god damned idiot fucking team is going to lose out the rest of the year and go 8-8. I will spend Wild Card weekend watching the 6-10 Falcons host a home playoff game while the best year of Romo's career ends with his spine evaporating into dust and DeMarco Murray signing a 5 year extension and never playing more than 9 games in a season again. So it goes, things will be as they've always been. My Cowboys memories will continue to be nothing but Quincy Carter and Week 17 interceptions and the never ending wish that one year there will be a real Door Buster and someone will bomb this stupid fucking store and wipe me out of existence. GOBBLE GOBBLE. 

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NFL Week 12 Picks & Predictions

Let me see if I get this straight here. Just because some Windtalkers got their feelings hurt, we're supposed to change tradition? Nobody cares about the Braves or Warriors, but a term of endearment like Redskins is offensive now? If I have to respect them getting their feelings hurt, why don't they have to respect me not caring? Thanks for letting me rant. Blow me up, Tom.

 

Chiefs @ Raiders

A short week. A division rival coming off a huge win against one of the top teams in the NFC. The stars are aligning for the Raiders to catch the Chiefs slipping…for a quarter and then allow 21 unanswered points and lose in heartbreaking fashion. 

Browns @ Falcons

I am so excited for the First Place Atlanta Falcons to head back to the Georgia Dome to their thousands of adoring fans in their Michael Vick jerseys and promptly get dumpstered by Josh Gordon for 200 yards.

Titans @ Eagles

I bet sometimes Jeff Fisher drinks too much and forgets he doesn’t coach the Titans anymore. After Tennessee’s loss to the Steelers on Monday he probably got ripshit on cheap bourbon and drunk dialed the front office and left several messages telling them to bench that young, unproven, never won anything, weak armed piece of shit Mettenberger and start someone with veteran presence like Billy Volek. 

Lions @ Patriots

Good news Lions fans, Jim Caldwell is faced with out-coaching Bill Belichick. It doesn’t matter how good Detroit’s defense is or how freakish Calvin Johnson is, Jim's going to fart out the worst 2 minute drill you’ve ever seen and the Lions are going to drop another game and take us one step closer to the inevitable? What’s the inevitable, you ask? Well..

Packers @ Vikings

The fucking Packers are going to win this stupid division and host a stupid playoff game in fucking Lambeau in January and make it to the NFC God Damn Championship while the Patriots continue shithousing everyone they play and I will just blow my fat stupid brains out. One of those two teams is winning another Super Bowl and my suicide letter will be a sticky note that says “Relax” stuck to my Emmitt Smith Monsters of the Gridiron trading card.

Jaguars @ Colts

It seems like every week a playoff team gets absolutely decimated by another team and gets a cupcake matchup the following week to take out all their aggression on. The Colts are the drunk stepfather and the Jaguars are the poor, poor son who made the unfortunate mistake of not praying hard enough for pop pop to scratch off this right numbers this week. It’s ok Lil’ Jax, just keep hoping that one day the mean old Colts leave in the middle of the night and don’t come back. Again.

Bengals @ Texans

Clowney showed flashes of being back at full health by teleporting into the backfield on a couple of plays last week. The time is finally upon us to watch him and Watt crush the soul of the opposing quarterback. Luckily for the Bengals, they will be immune to this strategy. 

Bucs @ Bears

Unfortunately this game is in Chicago instead of Tampa, meaning Bears fans won’t have the opportunity to literally fire Jay Cutler out of a cannon after he throws 2 interceptions against the coach his awful franchise fired.

Cardinals @ Seahawks

The Cardinals will win and immediately celebrate by using Seattle’s stupid canoe stadium to give Carson Palmer a proper viking funeral. 

Rams @ Chargers

I really don’t care if the Chargers win or lose as long as they stay in the wild card hunt until the very end. I want to see Rivers pout harder and harder until it's week 17 and a “win and you’re in” situation and their 4th string center snaps the ball over his head and Phil beats him to death right there in front of God and everyone.

Redskins @ 49ers

I still can’t get over the Redskins trading their entire future away for a quarterback, murdering him, and then signing a coach who doesn’t want to use him after they duct tape him back together. I’m sure I’ve probably said that every week, but the day it stops making me laugh is the day I finally embrace death’s warm embrace. I don’t even want the Redskins to lose because they’re a division rival; it’s solely for the enjoyment of RG3 saying the wrong thing and then immediately getting thrown under the bus by his entire coaching staff. Please keep saying stupid shit Fat Gruden, I can’t wait to see you start Colt McCoy for 8 games next season before getting shitcanned.

Dolphins @ Broncos

Win or lose, the highlight of this game will be Cameron Wake running straight past whatever trash can is starting at tackle for the Broncos this week and decleating Peyton Manning on a third and long and then the broadcast cutting to Peyton’s massive smiling head in a Papa Johns commercial. I need that almost as bad as I need the Broncos dropping 3 straight and losing precious home advantage. I will pray to whatever denomination forces Peyton Manning to play in a snowstorm in Buffalo in the wild card round. 

Cowboys @ Giants

A Sunday night game against the Giants a week after Eli threw 5 picks. We’re gonna lose this fucking game, aren’t we? I am a weak man, and I fully believe that dropping this game will kickstart the inevitable 8-8 finish after a week 17 SNF loss. I honestly don’t think my heart or liver can take it. Please God just let Dallas win by 20 so I can be happy for a couple hours before remembering Jerry Jones will outlive me.

Jets @ Bills

The secret to winning twice at Ford Field in one season? Stop coaching the Lions.

Ravens @ Saints

Every single week I see how shitty the Saints are, and every week after that when it comes time to pick games/bet beer money I look at the matchup and immediately think of their offense from 3 years ago and think “yeah, they got this, especially at home” and then they go out there and take a big ole shit. But once again, I look at the name “New Orleans Saints” and see that they’re playing at home and against all my better judgement I lean towards picking them. I know I shouldn’t, but I’m going to do so solely on account of the fact that I could reach over next to me, open up this copy of A Dance with Dragons and start writing random names down and you wouldn’t be able to tell me if they were starting in Baltimore’s secondary. If I was talking to you and said "Did you hear? Melis Andre is starting in place of Jimmy Smith" you’d nod your head and agree. After all, every night in Baltimore is dark and full of terrors.

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NFL Week 11 Picks & Predictions

Thanks for puttin me on the air, first time - long time. I think we'se seen everything Cutler has to offer and I don't like any of it. Why don't we let Clausen start and see what he's got. He was successful in college and I'm pretty sure he can eat Cinnabon without losing a toe. He may have low blood sugar but he's full of other bs, you get what I mean? I'll take my answer off the air and Derrick Rose is a pussy go 'hawks.

Bills @ Dolphins

I’ve made the conscious decision to spend my entire Thursday night on the Halo Master Chief Collection trying to play online. I’ll probably spend 3 hours stuck at the same screen as “Searching…” blinks over and over again, mocking me and my hubris, but at least this way I have a chance of getting an entertaining game.

Vikings @ Bears

Last week the NFL honored our troops by presenting a primetime demonstration of a smug, dominant power demolishing a defenseless opponent. Cutler caught a lot of shit from the media, but luckily he’s immune to criticism. I guess his kids take more after their mother, because they’re not immune to anything. 

Texans @ Browns

I’m so fucking excited for this. The Ryan Fitzpatrick experiment is over and now we FINALLY get the reign of Ryan Mallett. Sure he’s going to throw 3 interceptions, but he’s going to armcock that ball so hard downfield it breaks Joe Haden’s hands. If you’re not excited for Mallett to shatter Andre Johnson’s ribs with a shovel pass then you don’t love football. 

Falcons @ Panthers

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a division race where all four teams desperately try to evade winning in order to avoid a mid-round draft pick. Each team is falling ass backwards into a win, then immediately getting destroyed by 30 while yelling “haha you're it, no tag backs.”

Bengals @ Saints

The NFC South is going to hot potato the division all the way until week 17 and the Saints are going to end up hosting the Seahawks in the wild card round at 7-9. Search your heart.

Bucs @ Redskins

This game is the absolute perfect time for the Bucs to hit their stride and win 4 more games and miss out on a franchise quarterback in this year's draft. 

Broncos @ Rams

I don’t mean to alarm you guys, but I have breaking news. It turns out a young quarterback had a bad game and Jeff Fisher benched him the next week for an old veteran backup who has never shown any signs that he should start in the CFL, much less the NFL. I’ll let you regain composure before we get to the next game. 

49ers @ Giants

On its surface it might not seem like an entertaining matchup (because it isn’t). But then you really take a deep look at it and realize what lies beneath. A shitty Giants team against an underperforming 49ers team that’s in danger of missing the playoffs. Eli face. Coughlin face. Harbaugh face. This game is going to produce more gifs than an episode of Supernatural.

Seahawks @ Chiefs

This game is going to prove what we knew all along: Alex Smith is a Winner who knows how to Win Big Games When It Matters Most and Russell Wilson isn’t black enough to be quarterback. I sure hope you’re excited for 3 hours of commentary about loud stadiums. 

Raiders @ Chargers

The Raiders may be winless, but it looks like they’ve found a franchise quarterback in Carr. Nobody is happier to see that than Marcus Mariota.

Lions @ Cardinals

No matter how hard I try, my brain simply can not process the Cardinals and Lions being the top 2 teams in the NFC. Somewhere in my programming there is a hidden fourth prime directive and every time I see Jim Caldwell’s soulless eyes and the Lions’ record I start short circuiting. 

Eagles @ Packers

It’s not that I want to see Mark Sanchez completely shithouse the Packers at Lambeau, it’s that I need it. I need it like I need water, oxygen, and cheap alcohol. I’ve already embraced the harsh reality that the Eagles are going to be very good for a very long time, so at least let me savor in the Mexecutioner chucking the ball right over Morgan Burnett’s head and Riley Cooper doing the Lambeu Leap. He has a lot in common with the fans there anyways, he too loves yelling Kuhn at the top of his lungs. 

Patriots @ Colts

At first I resented the Colts getting Andrew Luck. They had one bad year and inherited another generational quarterback prospect. Fuck them, right? But then I learned to embrace my love for that mouth breather. The Patriots are going to win their division every year, and Blake Bortles is the second best QB in the AFC South, so these two teams are going to play each other every season for the rest of forever. I am now appreciating the subtle art of Bill Belichick’s master game planning and strategizing, relentlessly going over any and every tiny detail in the lead up to the game, being thwarted by this neckbearded ogre. God bless that big dumb yeti. 

Steelers @ Titans

Monday Night Football is the worst. Usually they just have the Jags and Titans play each other so they can get both teams out of the way in one night. It looks like they picked the Steelers game in an attempt to bring in some viewers, but little did they know the Steelers suck too. The Steelers have looked like the best offense in football some weeks, and then lost to 2 of the worst teams in the league. On Monday Pittsburgh will complete the triumvirate of shitty teams and lose by 10 to the Titans. Then the earth will open beneath them and Al Davis will challenge them to a duel in the Shadow Realm. There is no Lombardi Trophy up for grabs here, only the Millennium Puzzle and your immortal soul. We want the ball and we're gonna score, Yugi-boy.

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NFL Week 10 Picks & Predictions - Primetime Sanchize

I’ve missed a couple of weeks and I’m trying to get back in the mindset for this. So I sit down to write and I am faced with the hard truth that no matter how hard I rack my brain, no joke I think of will be funnier than Jets beat writers retweeting every single Mark Sanchez update from Philly because they are legitimately, unironically upset that he’s not their starting quarterback anymore. Sometimes quarterbacks really are the best. 

Browns @ Bengals

I fucking hate Thursday Night Football. The games always suck, the teams don't wanna be there, and everyone gets hurt. I thought I could find solace in the games going exclusively to NFL Network again, but we’re STILL stuck with Simms and Nantz. I put up with half a season of this CBS bullshit and I don’t get Mayock back? The only way I can hear him call games is to watch Notre Dame and I’ll be god damned if I do that.  

Chiefs @ Bills

I’m more torn about this game than any other one. My brain is telling me to never never never never ever put my faith in the Bills. But my heart is telling me Kyle Orton will lead the Bills to the promised land of 7-9 and drafting another running back that will ride the bench behind Fred Jackson. 

Dolphins @ Lions

This is the Super Bowl for underachievers. We’re just past the halfway point for both teams, meaning it’s time for one of them to begin spiraling out of control. It’s like when you’re driving too fast late at night and you don’t notice the speed bump on the ground. You’re not gonna total your car, but you’re gonna fuck something up. The Lions won’t slam into the guardrail and lose 8 straight games, but they’ll miss the playoffs and keep Caldwell for another 3 years. 

Cowboys @ Jaguars

Tony Romo is going to die trying to beat one of the worst teams in the league in front of a country that doesn’t care about the sport. It’s bad enough he doesn’t have the hear to win big games, but he doesn’t have a backbone either? This never would have happened if Jerry’s kid had let him draft Manziel. 

49ers @ Saints

The Saints are going to go from 2-4 to 12-4 and there’s not a god damned thing any of us can do about it.

Titans @ Ravens

Ravens win by 2 scores. Or they lose by 30. I don’t know, the AFC North is dumb as shit. It’s the NFC East without the whimsy of soul-crushing interceptions and casual racism. 

Steelers @ Jets

Does it count as a moral victory if the Jets don’t allow Ben to throw 6 touchdowns?

Falcons @ Bucs

Glennon, who may very well be the best QB from the 2013 draft, got benched for a McCown. Again. I’d say I’m excited to see if the Bucs can repeat their last performance against the Falcons, but I’d be lying if I said I was going to watch a second more than whatever shows up on Redzone. 

Broncos @ Raiders

The Broncos got thoroughly shitcanned by the Patriots in front of the entire country. My feeble human brain can not even comprehend how hard they’re going to take that loss out on the Raiders. Good thing Sparano won't be able to see it.

Rams @ Cardinals

Every good team has shit the bed this year. Cowboys lost to Colt McCoy, Eagles couldn’t manage to score against the 49ers, Broncos got demolished by Patriots, Patriots almost lost to the Raiders, Chargers are completely falling apart. It’s just about time for the Cardinals to lay an egg in front of their home crowd, and what better time to do so than after signing Carson Palmer to an extension. The stars are aligning for a game-ending pick six.

Giants @ Seahawks

Seattle’s offense looks bad, their defense looks bad, even their crowd hasn’t been very loud. How nice will it be for them to rebound against Eli Manning and offensive powerhouse number one receiver red zone threat Rueben Randle. 

Bears @ Packers

Bears-Packers is the biggest rivalry in football where only one team see it as a rivalry. The Colts have more animosity towards the Titans or Jaguars than the Packers have for the Bears, so while Chicago media spends the entire week hyping up how this is a make or break game and how losing this could be the final nail in the coffin for CFL Offensive Genius Marc Trestman, Rodgers will stroll out there and throw 4 TDs like it’s any other game. 

Panthers @ Eagles

These recent developments in Philadelphia have troubled me deeply. On one hand, watching the entire NFC East gang up on the Eagles and make fun of them for never winning anything since black people were allowed to play football never stops bringing joy into my dead heart. On the other hand, nothing would be funnier than Mark Sanchez winning the Super Bowl while the Jets go 2-14, fire Rex Ryan, and hire Norv Turner. I essenitally need Mark Sanchez to play like Mark Sanchez to ensure the Cowboys get a shot at the postseason, and yet in my heart of hearts all I want is to watch the Sanchize blowout Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl. Such is clownball.

 

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