Let me see if I get this straight here. Just because some Windtalkers got their feelings hurt, we're supposed to change tradition? Nobody cares about the Braves or Warriors, but a term of endearment like Redskins is offensive now? If I have to respect them getting their feelings hurt, why don't they have to respect me not caring? Thanks for letting me rant. Blow me up, Tom.
Chiefs @ Raiders
A short week. A division rival coming off a huge win against one of the top teams in the NFC. The stars are aligning for the Raiders to catch the Chiefs slipping…for a quarter and then allow 21 unanswered points and lose in heartbreaking fashion.
Browns @ Falcons
I am so excited for the First Place Atlanta Falcons to head back to the Georgia Dome to their thousands of adoring fans in their Michael Vick jerseys and promptly get dumpstered by Josh Gordon for 200 yards.
Titans @ Eagles
I bet sometimes Jeff Fisher drinks too much and forgets he doesn’t coach the Titans anymore. After Tennessee’s loss to the Steelers on Monday he probably got ripshit on cheap bourbon and drunk dialed the front office and left several messages telling them to bench that young, unproven, never won anything, weak armed piece of shit Mettenberger and start someone with veteran presence like Billy Volek.
Lions @ Patriots
Good news Lions fans, Jim Caldwell is faced with out-coaching Bill Belichick. It doesn’t matter how good Detroit’s defense is or how freakish Calvin Johnson is, Jim's going to fart out the worst 2 minute drill you’ve ever seen and the Lions are going to drop another game and take us one step closer to the inevitable? What’s the inevitable, you ask? Well..
Packers @ Vikings
The fucking Packers are going to win this stupid division and host a stupid playoff game in fucking Lambeau in January and make it to the NFC God Damn Championship while the Patriots continue shithousing everyone they play and I will just blow my fat stupid brains out. One of those two teams is winning another Super Bowl and my suicide letter will be a sticky note that says “Relax” stuck to my Emmitt Smith Monsters of the Gridiron trading card.
Jaguars @ Colts
It seems like every week a playoff team gets absolutely decimated by another team and gets a cupcake matchup the following week to take out all their aggression on. The Colts are the drunk stepfather and the Jaguars are the poor, poor son who made the unfortunate mistake of not praying hard enough for pop pop to scratch off this right numbers this week. It’s ok Lil’ Jax, just keep hoping that one day the mean old Colts leave in the middle of the night and don’t come back. Again.
Bengals @ Texans
Clowney showed flashes of being back at full health by teleporting into the backfield on a couple of plays last week. The time is finally upon us to watch him and Watt crush the soul of the opposing quarterback. Luckily for the Bengals, they will be immune to this strategy.
Bucs @ Bears
Unfortunately this game is in Chicago instead of Tampa, meaning Bears fans won’t have the opportunity to literally fire Jay Cutler out of a cannon after he throws 2 interceptions against the coach his awful franchise fired.
Cardinals @ Seahawks
The Cardinals will win and immediately celebrate by using Seattle’s stupid canoe stadium to give Carson Palmer a proper viking funeral.
Rams @ Chargers
I really don’t care if the Chargers win or lose as long as they stay in the wild card hunt until the very end. I want to see Rivers pout harder and harder until it's week 17 and a “win and you’re in” situation and their 4th string center snaps the ball over his head and Phil beats him to death right there in front of God and everyone.
Redskins @ 49ers
I still can’t get over the Redskins trading their entire future away for a quarterback, murdering him, and then signing a coach who doesn’t want to use him after they duct tape him back together. I’m sure I’ve probably said that every week, but the day it stops making me laugh is the day I finally embrace death’s warm embrace. I don’t even want the Redskins to lose because they’re a division rival; it’s solely for the enjoyment of RG3 saying the wrong thing and then immediately getting thrown under the bus by his entire coaching staff. Please keep saying stupid shit Fat Gruden, I can’t wait to see you start Colt McCoy for 8 games next season before getting shitcanned.
Dolphins @ Broncos
Win or lose, the highlight of this game will be Cameron Wake running straight past whatever trash can is starting at tackle for the Broncos this week and decleating Peyton Manning on a third and long and then the broadcast cutting to Peyton’s massive smiling head in a Papa Johns commercial. I need that almost as bad as I need the Broncos dropping 3 straight and losing precious home advantage. I will pray to whatever denomination forces Peyton Manning to play in a snowstorm in Buffalo in the wild card round.
Cowboys @ Giants
A Sunday night game against the Giants a week after Eli threw 5 picks. We’re gonna lose this fucking game, aren’t we? I am a weak man, and I fully believe that dropping this game will kickstart the inevitable 8-8 finish after a week 17 SNF loss. I honestly don’t think my heart or liver can take it. Please God just let Dallas win by 20 so I can be happy for a couple hours before remembering Jerry Jones will outlive me.
Jets @ Bills
The secret to winning twice at Ford Field in one season? Stop coaching the Lions.
Ravens @ Saints
Every single week I see how shitty the Saints are, and every week after that when it comes time to pick games/bet beer money I look at the matchup and immediately think of their offense from 3 years ago and think “yeah, they got this, especially at home” and then they go out there and take a big ole shit. But once again, I look at the name “New Orleans Saints” and see that they’re playing at home and against all my better judgement I lean towards picking them. I know I shouldn’t, but I’m going to do so solely on account of the fact that I could reach over next to me, open up this copy of A Dance with Dragons and start writing random names down and you wouldn’t be able to tell me if they were starting in Baltimore’s secondary. If I was talking to you and said "Did you hear? Melis Andre is starting in place of Jimmy Smith" you’d nod your head and agree. After all, every night in Baltimore is dark and full of terrors.
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