NFL Week 13 Picks & Predictions

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Chargers @ Ravens

Pop the champagne, we did it guys. Ray Rice is finally free. Roger Goodell overstepped his authority and Ray Rice blocked the shit out of him and his overbearing ways. Speaking of blocking, the Chargers just put their third center on IR. Are you guys ready for the ultimate revenge game? 

Browns @ Bills

We've gotta be getting to that point where Hoyer is a couple more interceptions away from benched, right? Johnny has proven he's ready to go out there and hit them in the mouth, we just need Coach Jarrod from Storage Wars to make the call. 

Redskins @ Colts

Here we go baby, 2 years in the making. It's the RG3 - Andrew Luck showdown we've all been waiting for.  

Titans @ Texans

Rest in peace, Mallet. You were too beautiful for this world. You threw too close to the Sun.

Giants @ Jaguars

Tom Coughlin makes his triumphant return to Jacksonville. While this isn't the first NFL team Coughlin ever coached, the Decatur Staleys no longer exist so this will have to suffice. 

Bengals @ Bucs

Jesus Christ, Marvin Lewis and Lovie Smith facing off in a game with playoff implications. I can't even imagine what kind of funhouse bullshit is going to come out of this coaching tour de force. Andy Dalton will throw a pick to Dashon Goldson, who will lateral it out of bounds. Lovie will challenge it, the call will stand, then Marvin will call a timeout. This will happen in the first drive of the game and by halftime Josh McCown will be walking around screaming BIZARRO NUMBER ONE and soccer kicking the ball through the uprights while Mike Evans takes the coordinators headset and mumbles Latin into Josh's headset. Just remember that even when Vincent Jackson lifts his jersey to reveal Kuato living in his chest, it will still make more sense than the Bucs being 1 game out of the 1st overall draft pick and 2 games out of 1st in their division. 

Raiders @ Rams

It was nice of the Raiders to win on a Thursday so they could enjoy their only win of the season for an extra 2 days.

Panthers @ Vikings

A competition of who can murder their franchise quarterback faster. Mike Zimmer starts strong by drafting Teddy Throwsevelt but insisting on starting Matt Cassel. Ron Rivera chuckles to himself, cuts Steve Smith, lays down a trap card, and ends his turn. Zimmer gives the Kubrick Stare of the top of his glasses and asks "did it ever occur to you that I might be left-handed?" and signs J'Marcus Webb. 

Cardinals @ Falcons

Saints fans will spend all morning watching their team play and immediately switch over to this game to watch the Falcons try to slow down "Literally" Drew Stanton in a desperate hope to keep their playoff chances alive. God I love football sometimes. Not often, but sometimes. 

Saints @ Steelers

God fucking dammit the Steelers are going to make sure the Browns don't make the playoffs, aren't they?

Patriots @ Packers

The only good part about this game is one of these teams will lose. 

Broncos @ Chiefs

This is the Sunday night game instead, huh. 3 hours of Peyton Manning sideline shots and Al Michaels talking about how loud the crowd is. The only appealing part is watching Peyton play in an environment where every single thing doesn't go his way and he has temper tantrums. 

Dolphins @ Jets

The Dolphins said they'd bench Tannehill and since then he's played the best football of his career. Now for Rex Ryan's greatest master stroke, unleashing the New and Improved Geno Smith upon the oh fuck he got strip-sacked again. 

Seahawks @ 49ers

This goblin looking mother fucker goes out there and misses every throw by about 5 yards and gets picked off twice just to make the Cowboys grabbing a second wild card spot even harder. All I ask is you do something noteworthy besides get fined for wearing Beats to a press conference but instead you throw 2 (should have been 3) picks to Richard Sherman. And to top it off every single one of those interceptions was worth more money than I made in 15 hours of holiday pay. 

Bears @ Lions

Countless hours of my life I will never get back. Oh wait, that's incorrect. They're very countable. They're seared into my fucking brain. Hour after hour of wheeling out carts to the toy section so a bunch of overweight people that smell like burnt Indian food and cigarettes could immediately grab them off the shelves for their ugly fat kids. Every time I walked back out to the sales floor it felt as if another piece of my soul had been chipped away from me. Every call over the walkie to find more Ninja Turtles eroded a piece of my humanity. Every second ticking away was a second closer to the grave. I can only imagine that this is exactly how Mark Trestman feels watching Jay Cutler run his offense. 

Eagles @ Cowboys

This dumb god damned idiot fucking team is going to lose out the rest of the year and go 8-8. I will spend Wild Card weekend watching the 6-10 Falcons host a home playoff game while the best year of Romo's career ends with his spine evaporating into dust and DeMarco Murray signing a 5 year extension and never playing more than 9 games in a season again. So it goes, things will be as they've always been. My Cowboys memories will continue to be nothing but Quincy Carter and Week 17 interceptions and the never ending wish that one year there will be a real Door Buster and someone will bomb this stupid fucking store and wipe me out of existence. GOBBLE GOBBLE. 

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NFL Week 12 Picks & Predictions

Let me see if I get this straight here. Just because some Windtalkers got their feelings hurt, we're supposed to change tradition? Nobody cares about the Braves or Warriors, but a term of endearment like Redskins is offensive now? If I have to respect them getting their feelings hurt, why don't they have to respect me not caring? Thanks for letting me rant. Blow me up, Tom.

 

Chiefs @ Raiders

A short week. A division rival coming off a huge win against one of the top teams in the NFC. The stars are aligning for the Raiders to catch the Chiefs slipping…for a quarter and then allow 21 unanswered points and lose in heartbreaking fashion. 

Browns @ Falcons

I am so excited for the First Place Atlanta Falcons to head back to the Georgia Dome to their thousands of adoring fans in their Michael Vick jerseys and promptly get dumpstered by Josh Gordon for 200 yards.

Titans @ Eagles

I bet sometimes Jeff Fisher drinks too much and forgets he doesn’t coach the Titans anymore. After Tennessee’s loss to the Steelers on Monday he probably got ripshit on cheap bourbon and drunk dialed the front office and left several messages telling them to bench that young, unproven, never won anything, weak armed piece of shit Mettenberger and start someone with veteran presence like Billy Volek. 

Lions @ Patriots

Good news Lions fans, Jim Caldwell is faced with out-coaching Bill Belichick. It doesn’t matter how good Detroit’s defense is or how freakish Calvin Johnson is, Jim's going to fart out the worst 2 minute drill you’ve ever seen and the Lions are going to drop another game and take us one step closer to the inevitable? What’s the inevitable, you ask? Well..

Packers @ Vikings

The fucking Packers are going to win this stupid division and host a stupid playoff game in fucking Lambeau in January and make it to the NFC God Damn Championship while the Patriots continue shithousing everyone they play and I will just blow my fat stupid brains out. One of those two teams is winning another Super Bowl and my suicide letter will be a sticky note that says “Relax” stuck to my Emmitt Smith Monsters of the Gridiron trading card.

Jaguars @ Colts

It seems like every week a playoff team gets absolutely decimated by another team and gets a cupcake matchup the following week to take out all their aggression on. The Colts are the drunk stepfather and the Jaguars are the poor, poor son who made the unfortunate mistake of not praying hard enough for pop pop to scratch off this right numbers this week. It’s ok Lil’ Jax, just keep hoping that one day the mean old Colts leave in the middle of the night and don’t come back. Again.

Bengals @ Texans

Clowney showed flashes of being back at full health by teleporting into the backfield on a couple of plays last week. The time is finally upon us to watch him and Watt crush the soul of the opposing quarterback. Luckily for the Bengals, they will be immune to this strategy. 

Bucs @ Bears

Unfortunately this game is in Chicago instead of Tampa, meaning Bears fans won’t have the opportunity to literally fire Jay Cutler out of a cannon after he throws 2 interceptions against the coach his awful franchise fired.

Cardinals @ Seahawks

The Cardinals will win and immediately celebrate by using Seattle’s stupid canoe stadium to give Carson Palmer a proper viking funeral. 

Rams @ Chargers

I really don’t care if the Chargers win or lose as long as they stay in the wild card hunt until the very end. I want to see Rivers pout harder and harder until it's week 17 and a “win and you’re in” situation and their 4th string center snaps the ball over his head and Phil beats him to death right there in front of God and everyone.

Redskins @ 49ers

I still can’t get over the Redskins trading their entire future away for a quarterback, murdering him, and then signing a coach who doesn’t want to use him after they duct tape him back together. I’m sure I’ve probably said that every week, but the day it stops making me laugh is the day I finally embrace death’s warm embrace. I don’t even want the Redskins to lose because they’re a division rival; it’s solely for the enjoyment of RG3 saying the wrong thing and then immediately getting thrown under the bus by his entire coaching staff. Please keep saying stupid shit Fat Gruden, I can’t wait to see you start Colt McCoy for 8 games next season before getting shitcanned.

Dolphins @ Broncos

Win or lose, the highlight of this game will be Cameron Wake running straight past whatever trash can is starting at tackle for the Broncos this week and decleating Peyton Manning on a third and long and then the broadcast cutting to Peyton’s massive smiling head in a Papa Johns commercial. I need that almost as bad as I need the Broncos dropping 3 straight and losing precious home advantage. I will pray to whatever denomination forces Peyton Manning to play in a snowstorm in Buffalo in the wild card round. 

Cowboys @ Giants

A Sunday night game against the Giants a week after Eli threw 5 picks. We’re gonna lose this fucking game, aren’t we? I am a weak man, and I fully believe that dropping this game will kickstart the inevitable 8-8 finish after a week 17 SNF loss. I honestly don’t think my heart or liver can take it. Please God just let Dallas win by 20 so I can be happy for a couple hours before remembering Jerry Jones will outlive me.

Jets @ Bills

The secret to winning twice at Ford Field in one season? Stop coaching the Lions.

Ravens @ Saints

Every single week I see how shitty the Saints are, and every week after that when it comes time to pick games/bet beer money I look at the matchup and immediately think of their offense from 3 years ago and think “yeah, they got this, especially at home” and then they go out there and take a big ole shit. But once again, I look at the name “New Orleans Saints” and see that they’re playing at home and against all my better judgement I lean towards picking them. I know I shouldn’t, but I’m going to do so solely on account of the fact that I could reach over next to me, open up this copy of A Dance with Dragons and start writing random names down and you wouldn’t be able to tell me if they were starting in Baltimore’s secondary. If I was talking to you and said "Did you hear? Melis Andre is starting in place of Jimmy Smith" you’d nod your head and agree. After all, every night in Baltimore is dark and full of terrors.

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NFL Week 11 Picks & Predictions

Thanks for puttin me on the air, first time - long time. I think we'se seen everything Cutler has to offer and I don't like any of it. Why don't we let Clausen start and see what he's got. He was successful in college and I'm pretty sure he can eat Cinnabon without losing a toe. He may have low blood sugar but he's full of other bs, you get what I mean? I'll take my answer off the air and Derrick Rose is a pussy go 'hawks.

Bills @ Dolphins

I’ve made the conscious decision to spend my entire Thursday night on the Halo Master Chief Collection trying to play online. I’ll probably spend 3 hours stuck at the same screen as “Searching…” blinks over and over again, mocking me and my hubris, but at least this way I have a chance of getting an entertaining game.

Vikings @ Bears

Last week the NFL honored our troops by presenting a primetime demonstration of a smug, dominant power demolishing a defenseless opponent. Cutler caught a lot of shit from the media, but luckily he’s immune to criticism. I guess his kids take more after their mother, because they’re not immune to anything. 

Texans @ Browns

I’m so fucking excited for this. The Ryan Fitzpatrick experiment is over and now we FINALLY get the reign of Ryan Mallett. Sure he’s going to throw 3 interceptions, but he’s going to armcock that ball so hard downfield it breaks Joe Haden’s hands. If you’re not excited for Mallett to shatter Andre Johnson’s ribs with a shovel pass then you don’t love football. 

Falcons @ Panthers

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a division race where all four teams desperately try to evade winning in order to avoid a mid-round draft pick. Each team is falling ass backwards into a win, then immediately getting destroyed by 30 while yelling “haha you're it, no tag backs.”

Bengals @ Saints

The NFC South is going to hot potato the division all the way until week 17 and the Saints are going to end up hosting the Seahawks in the wild card round at 7-9. Search your heart.

Bucs @ Redskins

This game is the absolute perfect time for the Bucs to hit their stride and win 4 more games and miss out on a franchise quarterback in this year's draft. 

Broncos @ Rams

I don’t mean to alarm you guys, but I have breaking news. It turns out a young quarterback had a bad game and Jeff Fisher benched him the next week for an old veteran backup who has never shown any signs that he should start in the CFL, much less the NFL. I’ll let you regain composure before we get to the next game. 

49ers @ Giants

On its surface it might not seem like an entertaining matchup (because it isn’t). But then you really take a deep look at it and realize what lies beneath. A shitty Giants team against an underperforming 49ers team that’s in danger of missing the playoffs. Eli face. Coughlin face. Harbaugh face. This game is going to produce more gifs than an episode of Supernatural.

Seahawks @ Chiefs

This game is going to prove what we knew all along: Alex Smith is a Winner who knows how to Win Big Games When It Matters Most and Russell Wilson isn’t black enough to be quarterback. I sure hope you’re excited for 3 hours of commentary about loud stadiums. 

Raiders @ Chargers

The Raiders may be winless, but it looks like they’ve found a franchise quarterback in Carr. Nobody is happier to see that than Marcus Mariota.

Lions @ Cardinals

No matter how hard I try, my brain simply can not process the Cardinals and Lions being the top 2 teams in the NFC. Somewhere in my programming there is a hidden fourth prime directive and every time I see Jim Caldwell’s soulless eyes and the Lions’ record I start short circuiting. 

Eagles @ Packers

It’s not that I want to see Mark Sanchez completely shithouse the Packers at Lambeau, it’s that I need it. I need it like I need water, oxygen, and cheap alcohol. I’ve already embraced the harsh reality that the Eagles are going to be very good for a very long time, so at least let me savor in the Mexecutioner chucking the ball right over Morgan Burnett’s head and Riley Cooper doing the Lambeu Leap. He has a lot in common with the fans there anyways, he too loves yelling Kuhn at the top of his lungs. 

Patriots @ Colts

At first I resented the Colts getting Andrew Luck. They had one bad year and inherited another generational quarterback prospect. Fuck them, right? But then I learned to embrace my love for that mouth breather. The Patriots are going to win their division every year, and Blake Bortles is the second best QB in the AFC South, so these two teams are going to play each other every season for the rest of forever. I am now appreciating the subtle art of Bill Belichick’s master game planning and strategizing, relentlessly going over any and every tiny detail in the lead up to the game, being thwarted by this neckbearded ogre. God bless that big dumb yeti. 

Steelers @ Titans

Monday Night Football is the worst. Usually they just have the Jags and Titans play each other so they can get both teams out of the way in one night. It looks like they picked the Steelers game in an attempt to bring in some viewers, but little did they know the Steelers suck too. The Steelers have looked like the best offense in football some weeks, and then lost to 2 of the worst teams in the league. On Monday Pittsburgh will complete the triumvirate of shitty teams and lose by 10 to the Titans. Then the earth will open beneath them and Al Davis will challenge them to a duel in the Shadow Realm. There is no Lombardi Trophy up for grabs here, only the Millennium Puzzle and your immortal soul. We want the ball and we're gonna score, Yugi-boy.

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NFL Week 10 Picks & Predictions - Primetime Sanchize

I’ve missed a couple of weeks and I’m trying to get back in the mindset for this. So I sit down to write and I am faced with the hard truth that no matter how hard I rack my brain, no joke I think of will be funnier than Jets beat writers retweeting every single Mark Sanchez update from Philly because they are legitimately, unironically upset that he’s not their starting quarterback anymore. Sometimes quarterbacks really are the best. 

Browns @ Bengals

I fucking hate Thursday Night Football. The games always suck, the teams don't wanna be there, and everyone gets hurt. I thought I could find solace in the games going exclusively to NFL Network again, but we’re STILL stuck with Simms and Nantz. I put up with half a season of this CBS bullshit and I don’t get Mayock back? The only way I can hear him call games is to watch Notre Dame and I’ll be god damned if I do that.  

Chiefs @ Bills

I’m more torn about this game than any other one. My brain is telling me to never never never never ever put my faith in the Bills. But my heart is telling me Kyle Orton will lead the Bills to the promised land of 7-9 and drafting another running back that will ride the bench behind Fred Jackson. 

Dolphins @ Lions

This is the Super Bowl for underachievers. We’re just past the halfway point for both teams, meaning it’s time for one of them to begin spiraling out of control. It’s like when you’re driving too fast late at night and you don’t notice the speed bump on the ground. You’re not gonna total your car, but you’re gonna fuck something up. The Lions won’t slam into the guardrail and lose 8 straight games, but they’ll miss the playoffs and keep Caldwell for another 3 years. 

Cowboys @ Jaguars

Tony Romo is going to die trying to beat one of the worst teams in the league in front of a country that doesn’t care about the sport. It’s bad enough he doesn’t have the hear to win big games, but he doesn’t have a backbone either? This never would have happened if Jerry’s kid had let him draft Manziel. 

49ers @ Saints

The Saints are going to go from 2-4 to 12-4 and there’s not a god damned thing any of us can do about it.

Titans @ Ravens

Ravens win by 2 scores. Or they lose by 30. I don’t know, the AFC North is dumb as shit. It’s the NFC East without the whimsy of soul-crushing interceptions and casual racism. 

Steelers @ Jets

Does it count as a moral victory if the Jets don’t allow Ben to throw 6 touchdowns?

Falcons @ Bucs

Glennon, who may very well be the best QB from the 2013 draft, got benched for a McCown. Again. I’d say I’m excited to see if the Bucs can repeat their last performance against the Falcons, but I’d be lying if I said I was going to watch a second more than whatever shows up on Redzone. 

Broncos @ Raiders

The Broncos got thoroughly shitcanned by the Patriots in front of the entire country. My feeble human brain can not even comprehend how hard they’re going to take that loss out on the Raiders. Good thing Sparano won't be able to see it.

Rams @ Cardinals

Every good team has shit the bed this year. Cowboys lost to Colt McCoy, Eagles couldn’t manage to score against the 49ers, Broncos got demolished by Patriots, Patriots almost lost to the Raiders, Chargers are completely falling apart. It’s just about time for the Cardinals to lay an egg in front of their home crowd, and what better time to do so than after signing Carson Palmer to an extension. The stars are aligning for a game-ending pick six.

Giants @ Seahawks

Seattle’s offense looks bad, their defense looks bad, even their crowd hasn’t been very loud. How nice will it be for them to rebound against Eli Manning and offensive powerhouse number one receiver red zone threat Rueben Randle. 

Bears @ Packers

Bears-Packers is the biggest rivalry in football where only one team see it as a rivalry. The Colts have more animosity towards the Titans or Jaguars than the Packers have for the Bears, so while Chicago media spends the entire week hyping up how this is a make or break game and how losing this could be the final nail in the coffin for CFL Offensive Genius Marc Trestman, Rodgers will stroll out there and throw 4 TDs like it’s any other game. 

Panthers @ Eagles

These recent developments in Philadelphia have troubled me deeply. On one hand, watching the entire NFC East gang up on the Eagles and make fun of them for never winning anything since black people were allowed to play football never stops bringing joy into my dead heart. On the other hand, nothing would be funnier than Mark Sanchez winning the Super Bowl while the Jets go 2-14, fire Rex Ryan, and hire Norv Turner. I essenitally need Mark Sanchez to play like Mark Sanchez to ensure the Cowboys get a shot at the postseason, and yet in my heart of hearts all I want is to watch the Sanchize blowout Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl. Such is clownball.

 

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