Thanks for puttin me on the air, first time - long time. I think we'se seen everything Cutler has to offer and I don't like any of it. Why don't we let Clausen start and see what he's got. He was successful in college and I'm pretty sure he can eat Cinnabon without losing a toe. He may have low blood sugar but he's full of other bs, you get what I mean? I'll take my answer off the air and Derrick Rose is a pussy go 'hawks.
Bills @ Dolphins
I’ve made the conscious decision to spend my entire Thursday night on the Halo Master Chief Collection trying to play online. I’ll probably spend 3 hours stuck at the same screen as “Searching…” blinks over and over again, mocking me and my hubris, but at least this way I have a chance of getting an entertaining game.
Vikings @ Bears
Last week the NFL honored our troops by presenting a primetime demonstration of a smug, dominant power demolishing a defenseless opponent. Cutler caught a lot of shit from the media, but luckily he’s immune to criticism. I guess his kids take more after their mother, because they’re not immune to anything.
Texans @ Browns
I’m so fucking excited for this. The Ryan Fitzpatrick experiment is over and now we FINALLY get the reign of Ryan Mallett. Sure he’s going to throw 3 interceptions, but he’s going to armcock that ball so hard downfield it breaks Joe Haden’s hands. If you’re not excited for Mallett to shatter Andre Johnson’s ribs with a shovel pass then you don’t love football.
Falcons @ Panthers
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a division race where all four teams desperately try to evade winning in order to avoid a mid-round draft pick. Each team is falling ass backwards into a win, then immediately getting destroyed by 30 while yelling “haha you're it, no tag backs.”
Bengals @ Saints
The NFC South is going to hot potato the division all the way until week 17 and the Saints are going to end up hosting the Seahawks in the wild card round at 7-9. Search your heart.
Bucs @ Redskins
This game is the absolute perfect time for the Bucs to hit their stride and win 4 more games and miss out on a franchise quarterback in this year's draft.
Broncos @ Rams
I don’t mean to alarm you guys, but I have breaking news. It turns out a young quarterback had a bad game and Jeff Fisher benched him the next week for an old veteran backup who has never shown any signs that he should start in the CFL, much less the NFL. I’ll let you regain composure before we get to the next game.
49ers @ Giants
On its surface it might not seem like an entertaining matchup (because it isn’t). But then you really take a deep look at it and realize what lies beneath. A shitty Giants team against an underperforming 49ers team that’s in danger of missing the playoffs. Eli face. Coughlin face. Harbaugh face. This game is going to produce more gifs than an episode of Supernatural.
Seahawks @ Chiefs
This game is going to prove what we knew all along: Alex Smith is a Winner who knows how to Win Big Games When It Matters Most and Russell Wilson isn’t black enough to be quarterback. I sure hope you’re excited for 3 hours of commentary about loud stadiums.
Raiders @ Chargers
The Raiders may be winless, but it looks like they’ve found a franchise quarterback in Carr. Nobody is happier to see that than Marcus Mariota.
Lions @ Cardinals
No matter how hard I try, my brain simply can not process the Cardinals and Lions being the top 2 teams in the NFC. Somewhere in my programming there is a hidden fourth prime directive and every time I see Jim Caldwell’s soulless eyes and the Lions’ record I start short circuiting.
Eagles @ Packers
It’s not that I want to see Mark Sanchez completely shithouse the Packers at Lambeau, it’s that I need it. I need it like I need water, oxygen, and cheap alcohol. I’ve already embraced the harsh reality that the Eagles are going to be very good for a very long time, so at least let me savor in the Mexecutioner chucking the ball right over Morgan Burnett’s head and Riley Cooper doing the Lambeu Leap. He has a lot in common with the fans there anyways, he too loves yelling Kuhn at the top of his lungs.
Patriots @ Colts
At first I resented the Colts getting Andrew Luck. They had one bad year and inherited another generational quarterback prospect. Fuck them, right? But then I learned to embrace my love for that mouth breather. The Patriots are going to win their division every year, and Blake Bortles is the second best QB in the AFC South, so these two teams are going to play each other every season for the rest of forever. I am now appreciating the subtle art of Bill Belichick’s master game planning and strategizing, relentlessly going over any and every tiny detail in the lead up to the game, being thwarted by this neckbearded ogre. God bless that big dumb yeti.
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