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Chargers @ Ravens
Pop the champagne, we did it guys. Ray Rice is finally free. Roger Goodell overstepped his authority and Ray Rice blocked the shit out of him and his overbearing ways. Speaking of blocking, the Chargers just put their third center on IR. Are you guys ready for the ultimate revenge game?
Browns @ Bills
We've gotta be getting to that point where Hoyer is a couple more interceptions away from benched, right? Johnny has proven he's ready to go out there and hit them in the mouth, we just need Coach Jarrod from Storage Wars to make the call.
Redskins @ Colts
Here we go baby, 2 years in the making. It's the RG3 - Andrew Luck showdown we've all been waiting for.
Titans @ Texans
Rest in peace, Mallet. You were too beautiful for this world. You threw too close to the Sun.
Giants @ Jaguars
Tom Coughlin makes his triumphant return to Jacksonville. While this isn't the first NFL team Coughlin ever coached, the Decatur Staleys no longer exist so this will have to suffice.
Bengals @ Bucs
Jesus Christ, Marvin Lewis and Lovie Smith facing off in a game with playoff implications. I can't even imagine what kind of funhouse bullshit is going to come out of this coaching tour de force. Andy Dalton will throw a pick to Dashon Goldson, who will lateral it out of bounds. Lovie will challenge it, the call will stand, then Marvin will call a timeout. This will happen in the first drive of the game and by halftime Josh McCown will be walking around screaming BIZARRO NUMBER ONE and soccer kicking the ball through the uprights while Mike Evans takes the coordinators headset and mumbles Latin into Josh's headset. Just remember that even when Vincent Jackson lifts his jersey to reveal Kuato living in his chest, it will still make more sense than the Bucs being 1 game out of the 1st overall draft pick and 2 games out of 1st in their division.
Raiders @ Rams
It was nice of the Raiders to win on a Thursday so they could enjoy their only win of the season for an extra 2 days.
Panthers @ Vikings
A competition of who can murder their franchise quarterback faster. Mike Zimmer starts strong by drafting Teddy Throwsevelt but insisting on starting Matt Cassel. Ron Rivera chuckles to himself, cuts Steve Smith, lays down a trap card, and ends his turn. Zimmer gives the Kubrick Stare of the top of his glasses and asks "did it ever occur to you that I might be left-handed?" and signs J'Marcus Webb.
Cardinals @ Falcons
Saints fans will spend all morning watching their team play and immediately switch over to this game to watch the Falcons try to slow down "Literally" Drew Stanton in a desperate hope to keep their playoff chances alive. God I love football sometimes. Not often, but sometimes.
Saints @ Steelers
God fucking dammit the Steelers are going to make sure the Browns don't make the playoffs, aren't they?
Patriots @ Packers
The only good part about this game is one of these teams will lose.
Broncos @ Chiefs
This is the Sunday night game instead, huh. 3 hours of Peyton Manning sideline shots and Al Michaels talking about how loud the crowd is. The only appealing part is watching Peyton play in an environment where every single thing doesn't go his way and he has temper tantrums.
Dolphins @ Jets
The Dolphins said they'd bench Tannehill and since then he's played the best football of his career. Now for Rex Ryan's greatest master stroke, unleashing the New and Improved Geno Smith upon the oh fuck he got strip-sacked again.
Seahawks @ 49ers
This goblin looking mother fucker goes out there and misses every throw by about 5 yards and gets picked off twice just to make the Cowboys grabbing a second wild card spot even harder. All I ask is you do something noteworthy besides get fined for wearing Beats to a press conference but instead you throw 2 (should have been 3) picks to Richard Sherman. And to top it off every single one of those interceptions was worth more money than I made in 15 hours of holiday pay.
Bears @ Lions
Countless hours of my life I will never get back. Oh wait, that's incorrect. They're very countable. They're seared into my fucking brain. Hour after hour of wheeling out carts to the toy section so a bunch of overweight people that smell like burnt Indian food and cigarettes could immediately grab them off the shelves for their ugly fat kids. Every time I walked back out to the sales floor it felt as if another piece of my soul had been chipped away from me. Every call over the walkie to find more Ninja Turtles eroded a piece of my humanity. Every second ticking away was a second closer to the grave. I can only imagine that this is exactly how Mark Trestman feels watching Jay Cutler run his offense.
Eagles @ Cowboys
This dumb god damned idiot fucking team is going to lose out the rest of the year and go 8-8. I will spend Wild Card weekend watching the 6-10 Falcons host a home playoff game while the best year of Romo's career ends with his spine evaporating into dust and DeMarco Murray signing a 5 year extension and never playing more than 9 games in a season again. So it goes, things will be as they've always been. My Cowboys memories will continue to be nothing but Quincy Carter and Week 17 interceptions and the never ending wish that one year there will be a real Door Buster and someone will bomb this stupid fucking store and wipe me out of existence. GOBBLE GOBBLE.
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