NFL Week 10 Picks & Predictions - Primetime Sanchize

I’ve missed a couple of weeks and I’m trying to get back in the mindset for this. So I sit down to write and I am faced with the hard truth that no matter how hard I rack my brain, no joke I think of will be funnier than Jets beat writers retweeting every single Mark Sanchez update from Philly because they are legitimately, unironically upset that he’s not their starting quarterback anymore. Sometimes quarterbacks really are the best. 

Browns @ Bengals

I fucking hate Thursday Night Football. The games always suck, the teams don't wanna be there, and everyone gets hurt. I thought I could find solace in the games going exclusively to NFL Network again, but we’re STILL stuck with Simms and Nantz. I put up with half a season of this CBS bullshit and I don’t get Mayock back? The only way I can hear him call games is to watch Notre Dame and I’ll be god damned if I do that.  

Chiefs @ Bills

I’m more torn about this game than any other one. My brain is telling me to never never never never ever put my faith in the Bills. But my heart is telling me Kyle Orton will lead the Bills to the promised land of 7-9 and drafting another running back that will ride the bench behind Fred Jackson. 

Dolphins @ Lions

This is the Super Bowl for underachievers. We’re just past the halfway point for both teams, meaning it’s time for one of them to begin spiraling out of control. It’s like when you’re driving too fast late at night and you don’t notice the speed bump on the ground. You’re not gonna total your car, but you’re gonna fuck something up. The Lions won’t slam into the guardrail and lose 8 straight games, but they’ll miss the playoffs and keep Caldwell for another 3 years. 

Cowboys @ Jaguars

Tony Romo is going to die trying to beat one of the worst teams in the league in front of a country that doesn’t care about the sport. It’s bad enough he doesn’t have the hear to win big games, but he doesn’t have a backbone either? This never would have happened if Jerry’s kid had let him draft Manziel. 

49ers @ Saints

The Saints are going to go from 2-4 to 12-4 and there’s not a god damned thing any of us can do about it.

Titans @ Ravens

Ravens win by 2 scores. Or they lose by 30. I don’t know, the AFC North is dumb as shit. It’s the NFC East without the whimsy of soul-crushing interceptions and casual racism. 

Steelers @ Jets

Does it count as a moral victory if the Jets don’t allow Ben to throw 6 touchdowns?

Falcons @ Bucs

Glennon, who may very well be the best QB from the 2013 draft, got benched for a McCown. Again. I’d say I’m excited to see if the Bucs can repeat their last performance against the Falcons, but I’d be lying if I said I was going to watch a second more than whatever shows up on Redzone. 

Broncos @ Raiders

The Broncos got thoroughly shitcanned by the Patriots in front of the entire country. My feeble human brain can not even comprehend how hard they’re going to take that loss out on the Raiders. Good thing Sparano won't be able to see it.

Rams @ Cardinals

Every good team has shit the bed this year. Cowboys lost to Colt McCoy, Eagles couldn’t manage to score against the 49ers, Broncos got demolished by Patriots, Patriots almost lost to the Raiders, Chargers are completely falling apart. It’s just about time for the Cardinals to lay an egg in front of their home crowd, and what better time to do so than after signing Carson Palmer to an extension. The stars are aligning for a game-ending pick six.

Giants @ Seahawks

Seattle’s offense looks bad, their defense looks bad, even their crowd hasn’t been very loud. How nice will it be for them to rebound against Eli Manning and offensive powerhouse number one receiver red zone threat Rueben Randle. 

Bears @ Packers

Bears-Packers is the biggest rivalry in football where only one team see it as a rivalry. The Colts have more animosity towards the Titans or Jaguars than the Packers have for the Bears, so while Chicago media spends the entire week hyping up how this is a make or break game and how losing this could be the final nail in the coffin for CFL Offensive Genius Marc Trestman, Rodgers will stroll out there and throw 4 TDs like it’s any other game. 

Panthers @ Eagles

These recent developments in Philadelphia have troubled me deeply. On one hand, watching the entire NFC East gang up on the Eagles and make fun of them for never winning anything since black people were allowed to play football never stops bringing joy into my dead heart. On the other hand, nothing would be funnier than Mark Sanchez winning the Super Bowl while the Jets go 2-14, fire Rex Ryan, and hire Norv Turner. I essenitally need Mark Sanchez to play like Mark Sanchez to ensure the Cowboys get a shot at the postseason, and yet in my heart of hearts all I want is to watch the Sanchize blowout Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl. Such is clownball.