Fuck baseball.
Colts @ Texans
Maybe if all the Whos down in Whoville get in a big circle, join hands and sing Christmas carols, we will finally get a good Thursday game
Ravens @ Bucs
You know when you’re watching Redzone and it cuts to a game and you see them in field goal formation and you get really bummed out? That's this game. Over and over again. This game is when you wait all week to go see a band in concert and when you finally get there they play some of their new shit, but you quietly accept it because you know they'll get to the encore eventually. It's kind of like when I saw Metallica in the 90's and they played I Disappear. Twice.
Jaguars @ Titans
I double dog dare you to watch this entire game.
Broncos @ Jets
Peyton Manning is 6 touchdowns away from the record. Congratulations to Peyton Manning for breaking the record.
Lions @ Vikings
Jim Caldwell will be hoisted onto his players' shoulders and carried out like a king. The Lions will drop to a knee around him as he is overcome by an intense rush of emotions. He will be carried to his kneeling men and place a hand upon their shoulder and say "My friends, you bow to no one." The players will look up at his face and know, without him saying a word, that he is truly proud to be their coach. His face is a canvas and God will paint a masterpiece of emotion beyond words.
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| If it wasn't for the players in the background you wouldn't know if this was a gif or not |
Patriots @ Bills
Yeah, Patriots turned things around. Whoopdee shit. But that was against the Red Rifle. I’d like to see him try that weak shit against Kyle Orton. Kyle's not scared of Brady. A 5.28 40 time? Shit, Kyle DRINKS a 40 in that time. The only tuck rule he worries about is tucking a flask into his belt to sneak it into the club. Every day is BYOB, and Kyle ALWAYS comes prepared.
Panthers @ Bengals
Panthers won’t be able to take AJ Green away like the Patriots did. Luckily, he was kind enough to take himself away. The Panthers will be forced to give Chris Ogbonnaya significant carries again, and my brain refuses to type it as anything other than Yobogoya. It's fitting because both of those things lead to uncontrollable shitting.
Steelers @ Browns
The Steelers are not a very good team this year, and I can't put into words just how happy that makes me. I can, however, put into words how confident I am that this is a game the Browns always find a way to lose.
Packers @ Dolphins
Aaron Rodgers is playing like Aaron Rodgers and Eddie Lacy is playing like Eddie Lacy, so sorry to all 2,000 Miami fans that show up to watch.
Chargers @ Raiders
Take solace in the fact that no matter what happens in this game, it still won't be as embarrassing as soon-to-be-former-head-coach Tony Sparano burying a football and narrating it. I've seen ISIS videos with less awkward line delivery.
Bears @ Falcons
This game is gonna be awesome. Two teams with god awful defenses that overcompensate by chucking that shit deep, turnovers be god damned. Jay Cutler DARES you to pick off one of his side-armed passes right over the middle of the field.
The difference is Atlanta CB Robert Alford, who is 5'9 or 5'10 depending on what shoes he's wearing, will be defending Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery. Bad times for Falcons fans. If you want to see two players lateral the ball back and forth with little Robby Alford stuck between them like they stole his backpack then this is the game for you.
Cowboys @ Seahawks
Cowboys have looked way better than anyone expected. Unfortunately, now they have to play against a real team. Dallas has the worst home field advantage I've ever seen, and now they have to go play in Seattle's stupid canoe stadium.
A team that relies on running the ball to keep their God awful defense off the field is going against a team that excels at stopping the run. The road to 8-8 begins with a Murray fumble in the first quarter, leading to an insurmountable 14-0 lead.
Redskins @ Cardinals
The Cardinals have 3 quarterbacks on the roster and they don't know which one will start until game time. So we could either see Carson Palmer, who's arm still isn't fully recovered, Drew Stanton, who is fresh off a concussion, or Logan Thomas, a "project" quarterback who wasn't even that good in college.
Kirk Cousins is going to take the Redskins ass-backwards to a wild card spot, isn't he?
Giants @ Eagles
Giants win a close one because Foles has the best (not suspended) running back in football and a scheme that leaves more receivers wide open than I’ve ever seen at the NFL level but he refuses to plant his god damned foot when he throws, leading him to overthrow a wide open Zach Ertz running free down the seam at least twice a game. God I hate the Eagles and even I am infuriated watching this goofy looking idiot backpedal out of the pocket and hurl a ball 10 yards out of bounds while Jeremy Maclin gets off the line of scrimmage so fast the cornerback starts spinning in circles like a Looney Tunes character.
49ers @ Rams
I’d still watch this boring matchup over the baseball version any day
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