Thanks for putting me on the air. I've been watching the Panthers' struggles and it all starts at the quarterback. Something just seems...off about him. He looks a little shifty in the pocket and isn't using that extra bone in his foot to make plays when the play breaks down because he's selfish. Now Derek Anderson. That's a guy who looks like a quarterback. We never should have let Jimmy Clausen go.
Vikings @ Packers
Teddy won't play against the Pack. Luckily Christian Ponder brings poise, accuracy, and the veteran presence of getting absolutely shithoused by the Packers.
Bears @ Panthers
It's the battle of "which fanbase hates their franchise quarterback more?" Is it Chicago, who refuses to support their QB because he throws interceptions, pretending as if Rex Grossman never fucking happened? Or will it be Carolina, who believes Cam doesn't have the right 'genetic makeup' to succeed at anything besides receiver or running back?
Browns @ Titans
The Browns have literally played too well to bench Hoyer and start Manziel. My body hurts typing that.
Rams @ Eagles
As a Cowboys fan, I've watched a no-name, undrafted quarterback take over the starting job and face the Eagles several times. This of course means the Rams will lose 44-6 and my dad will blame me and ruin Christmas for everyone.
I don't expect Kerry Collins to say "that's my quarterback" about anyone except Kerry Collins.
Falcons @ Giants
One of my close friends is a Giants fan, and season after season I would get to watch in delight as David Diehl, their right tackle, found creative new ways to get Eli Manning murdered. How sweet it is that he retired before the start of this season and Atlanta would suck a dick on Sesame Street to get him to start for them right now.
Bucs @ Saints
There's a pretty good chance that Mike Glennon might end up being the best quarterback from the 2013 draft class. Matt Barkley lost backup duties to Mark Sanchez, EJ Manuel got benched for Kyle Orton, and Mike can eat from way taller trees than Geno can.
Texans @ Cowboys
I love that Jerry Jones saying he doesn't regret not drafting JJ Watt is a headline. And by love, I mean sports media is literally worse than ISIS. Is he supposed to say that he wishes he didn't draft Tyron Smith? Smith just signed an 8 year extension. Eight years. I didn't even know you could do that, you can't do that shit in Madden.
Of course all of this is silly, but since Jerry spoke up Tyron will tear his ACL and Watt will hit Romo so hard his spine turns to dust, like sands in the hourglass. Romo will fall into a big fleshy husk right there on the Star and then we will know without a shadow of the doubt that he doesn't have the backbone to win big games.
Nailed it.
Bills @ Lions
The road to missing an NFC Wild Card spot is paved with Kyle Orton touchdowns.
Ravens @ Colts
The Ravens will finally put this Ray Rice mess behind them by stuffing him in the back of a U-Haul and shipping him off to Indianapolis. They will then announce the signing of free agent running back Raymundo Arroz.
Steelers @ Jaguars
File this game under "it would be really funny for the Steelers to lose this game, let me see what the score is. Oh, up by 21 at the end of the first. Great."
Cardinals @ Broncos
You know that commercial where some kid is in the middle of the school gym with the entire class behind him and they ask him who his favorite player is and he says DeMarcus Ware and Ware comes out and surprises him with Super Bowl tickets? What if he said Michael Sam and Mike came out and surprised him by smearing cake all over his face and making out with him. The kid would ask, "what flavor is-" and before he could clarify Michael would whisper "chocolate."
Together, we make football.
Chiefs @ 49ers
Mark your fucking calendars because it's the....Alex Smith revenge game. He's going to pull a Steve Smith and turn back the clock and put in a performance of a lifetime. He's going to be so fired up he might even throw the ball 15 yards downfield. Don't worry Harbaugh, there's plenty of armcock to go around. Dumpoff to Charles here, Screen to Bowe there. You won't even BELIEVE the yards after catch. Get ready to get fucked apart.
Jets @ Chargers
Let me go ahead and spoil this game for you, Jets fans. The Chargers will run the ball. And they will run it and run it and run it and get absolutely nothing out of it. Partly because the Jets' defense is great, and partly because the Chargers are starting Donald Brown. Little of column A, little of column B.
The game will look winnable. San Diego's offense will be one dimensional and that front 7 will completely overwhelm their third string center. And then Rivers will decide to take away everything you've ever loved. You will be left with only a fleeting memory of what happiness was as you watch Geno Smith float a duck right into Weddle's hands with a minute and a half left in the game to seal it. And then the witch hunt begins anew. Oakland's already fired their coach, and as Ric Flair said, "you can't be first, but you can be next."
Bengals @ Patriots
I'm not celebrating the downfall of the Patriot Way just yet. The Patriots are a slasher franchise on its 8th movie and Tom Brady is Jason. You see him back in there in the pocket slowly plodding around and then next thing you know, BOOM, he's in the AFC Championship and you don't know how the fuck it happened.
I'll believe they're dead when Corey Feldman shaves his head and hacks Brady to pieces with a machete. Or if they keep deactivating their only deep threat for "mouthing off."
Seahawks @ Redskins
Oh hey, another Monday Night Redskins game. Maybe Dan Snyder can trot out four random Native American dudes and say they're Navajo Code Talkers and that the four of them are a-ok with the team name. See, these 4 guys that didn't serve in the war but might have seen that movie with Nic Cage are ok with it, why won't you whiny liberals shut the fuck up and get over it. It's TRADITION.
 |
| White people.jpg |
0 comments:
Post a Comment