In case you weren't paying attention: Jimmy Clausen, Matt Moore, Matt McGloin, Derek Anderson, and Charlie Whitehurst all played "quarterback" in the National Football League on the same day in the year 2014. Thanks for nothing Obama. Or should I say, Obola.
Cowboys 38 - Saints 17
3-1? Same record as the Eagles? The NFC South not looking as dominant as everyone predicted? Do you guys smell that? It’s the smell of WILDCARD, BITCHES
I couldn’t type that with a straight face. I’m going to revel in this win and watch the highlights over and over again like the Zapruder film, but I will not be tricked into having postseason hopes. This shit is held together with duct tape and a prayer and I know we’re one unblocked blitz, DeMarco Murray ankle tackle, or offensive linemen collision away from the race to 8-8 and a week 17 “win and you’re in” loss. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me for the last decade, shame on me.
I can at least spend the rest of this season telling my coworker from Louisiana that Jason Garrett out-coached Sean Payton and watch steam come out of his ears like a Looney Tunes character.
Texans 23 - Bills 17
JJ Watt had 9 hits on EJ Manuel. N-I-N-E. He had more hits on Manuel than all but 8 3-4 defensive ends had in the entire 2013 season. I don't have a joke or snarky comment, that's just fucking insane.
Speaking of EJ Manuel, he's not the starter anymore. Remember 2 weeks ago when the Bills were 2-0, leading their division, and EJ Manuel had turned it all around after a bad preseason? Well that was September. Get with the times, grandpa. The new starting quarterback of the Buffalo Bills is…Kyle Orton. Holy shit that is the Bills-iest move possible. I’m surprised they didn't decide to take advantage of how weak the division is this year and sign Jim Kelly and Chuckstrong their way to a 6 seed. I’m sure the guy that got benched for Tim Tebow is going to be the spark to light a fire under this team’s ass and get them moved to Toronto.
Dolphins 38 - Raiders 14
It was a real 'loser leaves town' match as two terrible coaches entered Thunderdome, but only one would leave alive. We have the guy responsible for starting Matt McGloin for multiple games last year versus the guy who almost benched Tannehill for career backup Matt Moore. Don’t worry Oakland fans, Tony Sparano is a FANTASTIC coach, and I’m sure he’ll be able to turn the worst team in football around. It's not like their next six games are easily the hardest stretch for any team in football or anything.
Oh. Well i guess you better get in as much stabbing in the parking lot as you can before your ass is moved to LA.
Ravens 38 - Panthers 10
If you were the Panthers, you would double team Steve Smith all game, right? A lot of times players play up the "personal" angle when they face their old team. But you, me, God, and everyone knew that Steve wasn't exaggerating when he said we were going to need to bring goggles.
So wouldn’t you just say fuck it and put two men on him like a gunner on the punt team? If I'm Riverboat Ron, I'm thinking "if you’re going to beat me, beat me with Owen Daniels, but I’m not letting this guy we paid 5 million dollars to cut embarrass us."
But what do I know, I’m more analytical. I’m not bout that riverboat life - that limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin n dealin son of a gun way of life. Fuck receivers, fuck running backs, fuck defense, ALL ON BLACK BABY WOOO
Packers 38 - Bears 17
God damnit. Every week I defend Cutler and insist he’s a great quarterback and every week I have to hear about how he’ll choke and throw the game away. The Bears could be playing Rice University and some asshole will insist Cutler isn't clutch enough to beat them. And then he fuckin goes out there and throws 2 picks in a home blowout loss to their biggest rivals. God dammit I don’t even like the Bears, yet I will still pull my hair out screaming about how he's the best quarterback they've ever had.
Oh and in case you were excited for a team other than the Packers to win the NFC North, Rodgers was 22 for 28 and threw a touchdown every 7 throws. The Packers held the ball for less than 9 minutes in the first half and put up 21 points. So yeah, fuck everything.
Colts 41 - Titans 17
Luck has thrown for over 370 yards in 3 of 4 games this year. I don’t care about the teams they’ve played, that's impressive whether they're playing the Seahawks, Jaguars, or a high school team. So basically, whenever they choose to say fuck it and throw the ball all over the place, they move the ball at will and put up points. With that said, look forward to Trent Richardson getting another 20 carries next week.
Bucs 27 - Steelers 24
Womp womp, spoke too soon shitdick. I hope this loss keeps you out of the playoffs.
Chargers 33 - Jaguars 14
Well, Bortles looked competent. You might as well raise a banner in Jacksonville because "new quarterback not dumpster fire" is as good as it's going to get for a while.
Vikings 41 - Falcons 28
Look at Teddy out there, he's so great. We may finally have an answer at quarterback for the first time in what feels like forever. He's calm in the pocket, he's got pinpoint accuracy, and holy shit did you see that rushing touchdown? Fuck all of that Pro Day nonsense, this guy is the real deal and oh god why isn't he getting up. Is that a cart oh god please god no why god WHY
Lions 24 - Jets 17
If there’s one thing I love, it’s when fans of a team want the best coach in their entire shitty franchise’s history want their coach fired. Please fire Rex Ryan. PLEASE. We’ll give you Jason Garrett and 3 of Jerry Jones’ kids straight up. Rex is terrible, right? That’s a bargain trade for you. After all, Garrett just out-coached Sean Payton. Imagine what he could do with a broken down Chris Johnson. That’s a STEAL. We’d be more than happy to take the guy who drug Mark Fucking Sanchez kicking and screaming to back to back AFC Championships. Mark Sanchez. The Butt Fumble. Was a game away from the Super Bowl. TWICE.
And please bench Geno. Nothing screams “Jets” like running out your coach and benching your QB instead of, you know, game planning around him. It turns out signing Eric Decker and drafting a tight end with literal bricks for hands aren't a good excuse to force Geno to throw 30 times and only hand off 17 times to the guy averaging over 5 yards a carry. He's just a pussy who can't handle playing in NEW YOHK. Look at how Jeter went out (missing the playoffs hahaha suck dick Yankees). Put in Vick, that will turn the Jets around. Fuck New York and their entire shitty fanbase. And speaking of terrible fans
49ers 26 - Eagles 21
If I hear one more fat idiot try to tell me that Chip Kelly is a shitty coach and his offense is just a gimmick that only works at the collegiate level I’m gonna…get super fucking mad about it and post on the Internet in capital letters.
A lot of Foles’ success was based on the play action. I’m not saying it was 100% that, but when you have LeSean McCoy running all over you, you tend to scooch those safeties up just far enough for DeSean Jackson to sprint right past the corner and high step into the endzone. Well, when your entire offensive line is either injured or suspended against a team like San Francisco, you’re not gonna have much success running. And when you can’t run, they’re not gonna bite on fakes. And when you miss wide open receivers the few times you get a favorable matchup, you’re not gonna win. Chip Kelly's offense is all about putting the right personnel on the field to create a mismatch and exploit it, but when the defense knows if you hand the ball off it's going a max of two yards, it's much more difficult to get San Francisco's insanely good linebacker corps out of position. And then you're basically stuck with wide receiver screens to Riley Cooper.
Foles has looked really bad and missed way too many open throws, but fuck it. This is because of Chip Kelly and his stupid college gameplan. RUNNING FAST DOESN'T WORK IN THE NFL, IDIOT. Chip Kelly is just a LOSER like Donovan McNabb who will NEVER WIN FOR THIS GREAT CITY. Philly is a city of winners, like that one time they won an NFL championship back before we let black people play. You know what, fuck it. Run him out, too. I’d love to watch Matt Barkley get coached by Tom Cable while Rex and Chip form a Madden Superteam and win every game by triple digits.
Giants 45 - Redskins 14
You know what, why slow down. Fuck you too, Washington. Mortgage your future for a QB, break him on your shitty turf your shitty owner is too cheap to fix, send him out before he’s healthy, then bench him when he is, then insist this random ass guy was better all along. I can't fucking wait until you trade RG3 back to the Rams for a third rounder. Who needs accurate passes against teams that aren't the Jaguars, now you have a QB who isn't risking himself for first downs after your shit awful defense and special teams giftwrap two touchdowns to the other team in the first quarter. You deserve Cousins and the 25 interceptions he's going to throw. Imagine the Rex-Chip team led by RG3 running the option instead of being forced to become a pocket passer by the fat Gruden.
Man, that felt really good.
Chiefs 41 - Patriots 14
Don't get me wrong, a part of me is really reveling in the Patriots being this bad. But there's another part of me that's really bummed out by this. It's the end of an era for me. I didn't really follow football as a kid. I was much more interested in watching Toonami and playing Halo. I didn't really start following closely until around 2006-2007. That means by the time I started closely watching the sport and knowing more players on a team than the quarterback, Brady had already won 3 Super Bowls. So basically, Brady has been one of the best players in the NFL since I began following it.
And now it's ending. It really is kind of sad. You know it's coming, but when it finally hits you its like a ton of bricks. It's like visiting your parents and seeing the pets you grew up with and seeing just how little time is left for them. I've waited all these years for the Patriot Way to finally fuck them over, and now that's it's happening there's a part of me deep in my cold, dead heart that's sad to see it. It's sentimental and stupid, but I feel like part of me is going to be really upset when Brady is sitting on the bench while some hotshot young quarterback is on the field bombing it to Gronk.
Aaaaaaand I'm over it. Fuck him and fuck Billy and fuck the Patriot Way. Go 0-16 forever. Tedy Bruschi is an asshole. Amen.
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