Giants @ Redskins
Prepare yourself for a different shade of clownball. It was all fun and games last week. You got the crazy shootout where the backup quarterback comes in and looks like Joe Montana, fights break out, fans boo the player they ran out of the city who they pretend to have hated all along but they all secretly still have his jersey. This is the other kind of clownball. This is the insane, ungodly blowout. This is the game that's over before halftime but you refuse to turn it off because you want to see just how fucking stupid it gets. Surely it can’t get any funnier. Surely a merciful God will step in and grab the ball out of the air and gently place it into the receiver’s hands.
He won’t. There is no God, only interceptions and sack-fumbles. When you stare into the void, Dan Snyder stares back, and he charges you 20 bucks.
Panthers @ Ravens
Oh my God this game. I’ve been waiting all summer for this. If there isn't a camera on Steve Smith at all times then someone isn't doing their job. I legitimately have no idea what is going to happen. He might finish with 3 catches, he might finish with 180 yards. Those might not be mutually exclusive. I don’t even really care who wins, I just want him to sub himself in on defense on the last drive of the game. Yeah, yeah, revenge, blah blah blah. That’s a cool storyline and all and I’m sure he won’t have any trouble getting open against whatever the fuck is in Carolina’s secondary, but the thought of him decleating Kelvin Benjamin while screaming BLOOD AND GUTS is what wet dreams are made of.Packers @ Bears
This would be the Julius Peppers revenge game if Julius Peppers was still a good player. Not that it matters, he’s still going to destroy whatever fat white guy is lined up against him. You see Troy, he’s really trying to prove himself out there, it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s being blocked by a 300 pound husk of flesh with Tommy Pickles’ footwork.
Bears win this one to dig the Packers even deeper into a hole, only for them to duct tape a roster together 3 weeks from now and win the division. God dammit I’m already mad thinking about it. Whatever, at the end of the day I’ll still get to listen to fat idiots call into sports radio no matter who wins.
Bills @ Texans
Ryan Fitzpatrick reminded the Texans what kind of player he actually is early enough in the season to give them the opportunity to yell “fuck this noise” and bench him. The problem is, even if they wanted to, Mallet won’t be able to start because he threw out his shoulder after taking a trash bag full of peyote into the woods and spending 52 hours trying to throw a football into the moon in order to, quote, “make swiss cheese out of that sumbitch.”
Titans @ Colts
I’m so jealous of Charlie Whitehurst. That man has made 15 million dollars over his career to hold a clipboard. He gets paid millions to lift weights, do cardio, and play a couple of quarters in preseason. And that hair. What I wouldn’t give for that hair. The list of things I wouldn’t do for that glorious mane is incredibly short, and a majority of the ten commandments aren’t on it. Oh, you mean what’s he like as a quarterback? No, no. He’s the drizzling shits. Colts are up by 30 at halftime. But his hair will be billowing blissfully in the wind as he chases down the cornerback who picked him off.
Lions @ Jets
Stephen Tulloch tore his ACL taunting the opposing quarterback last week, I wonder if they’ll do it again. Maybe they’ll try to get under Geno’s skin by throwing ill-advised passes straight into a defender’s hands. Oh wait, Stafford’s been doing that all season.
Dolphins @ Raiders
How will the Raiders top themselves this week? They’ve set the bar so high for themselves, the only outcome is to finally win a game. After all, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing Miami that Joe Philbin is a real head coach.
Bucs @ Steelers
What’s more embarrassing: going into a season insisting Josh McCown is your quarterback, or benching him halfway into week 3 for Happy Gilmore’s caddy?
Jaguars @ Chargers
Fuck it, just throw Bortles out there with no offensive line, no receivers, and a plodding running back. It worked out so well last time you tried that with a first round quarterback.
Falcons @ Vikings
Just re-read the last entry and be happy for poor Teddy that he has Cordarrelle Patterson.
Eagles @ 49ers
A lot of analysts are picking the 49ers because they “need” this win. Well I “need” Harbaugh to get traded to Cleveland for a 3rd rounder so I can watch him deal with Johnny Manziel for the next five years. Go ahead, just imagine the tantrum he throws when Johnny gets flagged for taunting the other team and it backs them out of field goal range and they lose. Imagine the slow motion replay of every blood vessel in his face bursting simultaneously. Hey, both hands above the table; let’s keep this appropriate.
Saints @ Cowboys
Brees is a God awful shell of himself at every single opposing stadium - except Jerrydome. He can’t complete a pass to save his life against whatever the fuck Cleveland is fielding, but as soon as the team plane touches down in Dallas this mother fucker eats a senzu bean and throws for 400 yards. Don’t even give me that bullshit about how it could be close because New Orleans has looked underwhelming, because last time I check they aren’t starting Tyrone Crawford and Nick Hayden at DT. You wouldn’t be able to spot Nick Hayden in a lineup with a gun to your head. Spoilers: he’s the one not getting any pressure on the QB.Patriots @ Chiefs
I can see the headline now: Alex Smith Bests Tom Brady. It’s beautiful, isn’t it? The thought of Brady screaming at Kembrell Thompkins as they fail to convert another third down while Alex Smith dinks and dunks his way to a Monday Night Football win. It would be glorious to watch the Kool-Aid Man on the sidelines shake like a bowl full of jelly after Knile Davis rushes for his second touchdown to give the Chiefs a two possession lead with only a couple of minutes left. This would all be great.
Unfortunately, Belichick is a fun-succubus, so the Patriots will look like hot garbage the entire game, win by a field goal, nothing will change, and you’ll never get those 3 hours back. Those 3 hours you could have spent learning another language, catching up on sleep, maybe cracking open a nice novel. Maybe some non-fiction, maybe a good mystery! Or a scary story. You could hide under the blankets and read it with a flashlight, getting spooked by noises outside your window. But no, you'll watch hoping to end your Monday night with Brady sitting on the field with a look of despair on his face only to have it shoved right back in your fat, stupid face. Way to go idiot, you wasted your night just to watch the Patriots win again. I wish you could see the stupid look on your fucking face. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?
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