Jamaal Charles, AJ Green, RG3, DeSean Jackson, Knowshon Moreno, Ryan Mathews, Tavon Austin, Gerald McCoy, Eric Berry, Charles Tillman, and Vernon Davis were all injured this week. None of this would have ever happened if that Godless homosexual Michael Sam had never kissed a dude on my TV. How am I supposed to explain to my imaginary son that these men love each other. Stop being queer and watch RG3's ankle snap, pussy.
Browns 26 - Saints 24
I know Drew Brees can’t play outside of a dome but holy shit. I figured that although Cleveland technically plays outdoors, the entire city is enclosed in a dome of sadness so he’d throw for 400 yards on a technicality. But the sadness bubble burst and Cleveland is in the driver's seat to go 10-6 and fire their coach.
And for those of you not keeping score, Manziel's first ever pass in a regular season NFL game was dropped, because of course it was.
Ravens 26 - Steelers 6
I completely forgot Owen Daniels was still in the league. So did the Steelers.
Bill 29 - Dolphins 10
Congrats Dolphins, you lived up to your reputation by dominating the Patriots one week and then immediately getting dumpstered by the Bills the next.
Panthers 24 - Lions 7
I keep forgetting the Lions hired Jim Caldwell and every single time I see his dumb face on the sidelines it's funny all over again. He leaves so little impact that I might as well have an Etch A Sketch brain and anytime he's not on camera I shake it clean. So no matter how boring a game is, every time their defense gives up a big play and it cuts to him staring into the void like a veteran who just got home from 'Nam I laugh like this is the first time I've seen him.
Cowboys 26 - Titans 10
You know what’s even funnier than Jake Locker being an awful quarterback? The reality that when he gets benched for being either injured or terrible a whole bunch of Vols fans are going to be forced to cheer for Zach Mettenberger as he underthrows Dexter McCluster.
Bengals 24 - Falcons 10
Saints lost to Falcons, who got blown out by Bengals. Saints also lost to the Browns, therefore if you do a bit of math you'll find that the Browns are going to win the Super Bowl and Manziel is going to throw Benjamins off the float at the parade.
Patriots 30 - Vikings 7
Man, the Vikings got beat like….beat like….shit. I got nothing.
Cardinals 25 - Giants 14
You did it, God. You answered my prayers. You ignored every other request I’ve made in my stupid life, but you granted me the sight of Drew Stanton leading the Cardinals to a division-leading win in New Meadowlands against the Giants. We got to watch as Ted Ginn (who even knew he was on an NFL roster right now besides Mrs. Ted Ginn?) house a punt, and then the Giants immediately fumble on the following kickoff return. It was clownball as only the Giants could deliver and I'm a better person for having seen it. God bless us all. God bless the NFC East. God bless America and no one else.
Redskins 41 - Jaguars 10
DeSean Jackson and Roy Helu both left the game, but obviously the big story is RG3. Washington mortaged their future for him, so it will be interesting to see how they alter their gameplan to account for a pocket passer instead of running the option that made him unstoppable in his rookie season.
A source tells the Washington Post that Jay Gruden preferred Kirk Cousins to Robert Griffin III even before Sunday's injury.
Gruden had no interest in developing a scheme to suit Griffin's strengths. Instead, he tried to shoehorn RG3 into a pocket passer role and the early results were troubling. The Post says the silver lining of RG3's dislocated ankle is that Gruden now gets to insert Cousins free of political backlash. "Kirk is a special guy. ... obviously has a skill set that I feel like is very much suited for what we do," Gruden said. Cousins will be a reasonable QB2 bet at Philly in Week 3.
- Rotoworld
Oh. So you traded away everything to take him, then brought in a coach who didn't want to use him. His rookie contract is going to expire and he's going to go to St. Louis and it will all come full circle, and with the prophecy complete Dan Snyder will rule the 9 realms for eternity.
So where does this leave the Jaguars? What does the future have in store for them?
Chargers 30 - Seahawks 21
You did it, you really did it you bolo wearin son of a bitch. What’s the biggest takeaway from this game? Sherman was “exposed.” It was 3 catches for no touchdowns but whatever, he got EXPOSED. Take THAT you loud mouthed black THUG. Why can’t more cornerbacks stop being barbaric hooligans and be more like my favorite players Jim Leonhard and Jason Sehorn?
Rams 19 - Buccaneers 17
How do you rebound from losing to Derek Anderson in the Year of Our Lord 2014? Losing to Stone Cold Steve Austin Davis. Good to see that super cool Tampa 2 Defense and career backup QB are working out like nobody said they would. The best part is McCown will play this bad all year, but the second Cutler throws a 4th quarter interception some fat idiot will call into sports radio and say the Bears should trade for him.
Broncos 24 - Chiefs 17
You may have lost the best player on each side of the ball, but at least you've got this guy.
That's got to be worth the same as a win against Oakland.
Packers 31 - Jets 24
It’s three days later and I’m still laughing. The only way for this game to have ended in more Jets-like fashion would be for a masked man to run onto the field and hit Geno Smith with a steel chair seconds before he threw the ball. He pulls the mask off and it's Mark Sanchez in Sting makeup.
It had everything you could ever want: Jumping out to an early lead, immediately blowing said lead, and then putting the icing on the J-E-T-S cake by negating the game tying touchdown when someone who’s not allowed to call timeouts calls a timeout. Thankfully Fireman Ed wasn't here to see this.
I haven’t decided if it’s funnier than Jason Garrett icing his own kicker, but it’s definitely in the conversation. This has bonus points for not making me want to Budd Dwyer myself in my Chinese knockoff Dez Bryant jersey. Either way, I bet Eli Manning is sending so many thank you cards for taking all of the attention off of them.
Texans 30 - Raiders 14
"Could you imagine being stuck watching this game? "
I got many of my predictions wrong, but I was spot on with this one. Shout out to the Raiders for knowing they're a dumpster fire and giving the fans what they want with back to back "Jesus Christ, only the Raiders" plays in back to back weeks.
Bears 28 - 49ers 20
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| Madcosby |
My favorite part of the game was Jay Cutler taking the crown of a helmet right into his ribcage, then coming back in and throwing 4 TD's and winning the game. Well, that's my second favorite. My favorite was watching Kaepernick look like hot garbage and the 49ers losing their first ever game in their Silicon Valley bullshit stadium to a diffident Jay Cutler and his broken receivers.
Just remember kids, Jay Cutler isn't tough. He's a pussy who doesn't want to win and a quitter and doesn't respect the legacy of this great dumb gay sport.
Eagles 30 - Colts 27
Football really is a magical sport. Once it sinks its hooks into you it never lets you go. The last week has tested a lot of people's devotion and love for the sport, fans and players alike. But Monday night reminded us what it's all about. For every heart wrenching, soul crushing loss, there’s that beautiful moment for the other team. A small child sitting on the couch with his dad, both in matching Foles jerseys, cheering as the Eagles drive down the field to kick the game winning field goal. Their cheers are muffled because they're trying not to wake mom; it’s a school night after all. But none of that matters, because father and son are sharing a beautiful moment that they'll both remember for the rest of their lives, and nothing warms my heart more than seeing those moments captured for eternity.
Idgaf... im crying right now watching the highlights of this comeback...beautiful shit pic.twitter.com/OEpFI5k8jE
— eatdatpussy445 (@THEREALEDP445) September 16, 2014
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