We made it. All these months of baseball, Johnny Football getting shithoused on inflatable swans, and Michael Sam showering with teammates are finally paying off with glorious football. It was shaky near the end, but I can finally relax and watch my Cowboys go out there and....win 5 games...and....god dammit.
Packers @ Seahawks
Aaron Rodgers is one concussion away from handing the reigns over to Matt Flynn, so Pete Carroll will take a break from explaining to anyone who will listen how there were explosives planted in the World Trade Center to force feed Adderall to the entire front 7.
Saints @ Falcons
The Saints have the best defense they've ever had under Payton and the Falcons don't have an offensive or defensive line. I don’t really like either team, but trying to sit through the most unwatchable season of Hard Knocks ever has made me hate the Falcons with every fiber of my being.
Vikings @ Rams
Remember that time the Rams had a thousand first round picks from Washington and decided to just roll with Bradford anyways? Hope taking a tackle 2nd overall and then making him a guard was worth it. Enjoy Shaun Hill, dick.
Browns @ Steelers
I know it doesn’t make any sense to throw Manziel out there with nobody to throw to, but all I want in this world is to watch him completely embarrass Pittsburgh’s old ass defense. Every time these teams play the thought of the Browns completely embarrassing the Steelers in Pittsburgh fills my cold dead heart with joy. Unfortunately, not having a quarterback or receivers and relying on a running back held together by duct tape and prayer beads is a bit of a problem in the NFL.
Jaguars @ Eagles
Cecil Shorts is out, meaning the only offensive weapon the Jaguars have left is…Toby Gerhart. A running back who can’t run to the outside. Anyone who wants to start Bortles this season clearly has a grudge against him because there is absolutely no other reason to David Carr that poor kid.
Raiders @ Jets
Speaking of throwing a Carr to the wolves and ruining his career before it even starts, hey Oakland! The Jets have no corners and the Raiders are using a running back stable from Madden 09. It's the kind of game where Jets fans will be sort of happy to start the season 1-0, but the act of watching this shitshow will fill them with so much doubt that it might as well be a loss. I personally can't wait for all the Redzone cut-ins to this tire fire of a game.
Bengals @ Ravens
Ravens could possibly be without Jimmy Smith and Lardarius Webb, leaving Andy Dalton without his two biggest targets.
Bills @ Bears
When will Fred Jackson just fuck off already? The Bills' only good cornerback isn't playing, meaning Marshall and Jeffrey are going to combine for roughly 800 yards receiving, give or take a couple. If they were smart they'd have CJ Spiller run all over Chicago's god awful run D, but instead he'll get 10 snaps and they'll lose by double digits.
Redskins @ Texans
I joke around a bunch about quarterbacks getting killed behind an offensive line, but I am legitimately terrified for RG3’s life against Watt and Clowney. I don't even care that Houston is literally starting Ryan Fitzpatrick because RG3 is going to get the Breaking Madden treatment.
Titans @ Chiefs
I’ve been waiting all offseason to see 30 seconds of highlights of this game before Sunday Night Football starts and then never think about it again.
Patriots @ Dolphins
One of these days, someone else in this division will actually be competitive with the Patriots. But that day is not today.
Panthers @ Buccaneers
Lovie Smith is a bad coach and Josh McCown is a bad quarterback. Fuck the Tampa 2.
49ers @ Cowboys
Tony Romo finally has an offensive line to compliment his weapons, which will come in handy as Frank Gore rips off 8 yards a carry. I’m just personally excited for Romo to throw for 400 yards, but throw a pick so I have to listen to my friends ask me why we don’t just start Brandon Weeden after the defense gives up 40 points.
Colts @ Broncos (SNF)
There is no better way for the first Sunday of football to end than with Trent Richardson running straight into the left guard’s ass 14 times.
Giants @ Lions (MNF)
It’s week 1 and we’re already getting some glorious primetime NFC East Clownball. I’ve had all hope for my team (Cowboys) slowly sucked away from me by a happiness vampire, so all I really cheer for anymore is pure schadenfreude. And if there’s one thing the NFC East has, it’s hilarious bullshit. People complain about the same 4 teams playing almost every week in primetime, but you’re always guaranteed either a ridiculous shootout or the most hilariously inept football you’ve ever seen. It’s my absolute favorite division to watch and this game right here will back up my claim. The Giants will either score 7 points and look like a junior varsity team that got on the wrong bus, or they’ll score 45 and look like an unbeatable powerhouse. Every week with this stupid division is a coin flip. I can't wait for Eli to throw 4 picks against Detroit's awful secondary and then throw for 500 yards next week.
Chargers @ Cardinals (MNF)
Ah, week 1. Where we’re treated to the once a year tradition of a God awful late-night Monday Night Football game featuring an AFC West team. So many memories of staying up until 1 am to watch the Raiders take a shit all over their baseball diamond just because football was back. Who cares that I had class the next day, September was here and I was gonna fuck up my week just so I could stay up to watch Carson Palmer overthrow his receivers. I look forward to keeping the tradition alive.
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