Another week, another player hit his girlfriend so hard it sent her to the Street Fighter Continue screen. I wouldn’t count on anyone putting in any extra quarters to bring Jonathan Dwyer back. So sit down, get comfy, drink responsibly, live mas, and let me tell you how sick and tired I am of these libtards telling me how to raise my kid. Might as well put dresses on them. Back when I was a kid, my dad made me wear a dress and dance for all of his drunk friends and look how I turned out.
Buccaneers @ Falcons
I can’t fucking WAIT. I am so fucking PUMPED to turn this off at halftime and play Destiny until I fall asleep with the controller in my hand. Rise Up!
Chargers @ Bills
The Bills do it. EJ Manuel marches them down the field for a game winning touchdown - none of that field goal shit. The only uprights getting split are all the Miss Manuels running around Buffalo who are about to take a ride on Space Mountain. The Bills are 3-0 and every television in the world cuts to a close up of Chris Berman. His eyes roll back as he bellows in a dead tongue "NOBODY CIRCLES THE WAGONS" as the trumpets sound and begin the song that ends man's reign.
Titans @ Bengals
Tennesse looked pretty awful last week. Romo is still clearly not 100% after his surgery, yet they still left soft boxes up front for DeMarco Murray to carve them up. This is what we in the business call "being a bad coach." What this team needs is a leader. A leader who can call the right plays, sign the right players, and mold Jake Locker into the next Tom Brady. What the Titans need...is Lane Kiffin.
Ravens @ Browns
Browns are riding high right now. They beat the Saints at home and look like they have a decent shot at being the second best team in the AFC North. Won't it be a shame when they get fucked apart by Joe Flacco and the biggest play of the game is Manziel handing off to Terrance West for a gain of 2.
Packers @ Lions
Are the Packers really underdogs here? I don’t care about who’s injured or how Green Bay’s offensive line has held up so far. Are we pretending Detroit isn’t going to find a way to Detroit this game up and lose in the final? The Lions could be up by 21 with 3 minutes left and the Packers would score on four consecutive drives while Fairley gets ejected for trying to smother Randall Cobb in barbecue sauce and take a big ole Vince Wilfork-esque bite out of him.
Colts @ Jaguars
Congrats to Andrew Luck and the Colts for their first win of the season
Raiders @ Patriots
How will the Raiders out-Raider themselves this week? The Super McVarial 900? The Fainting Goat Fake Punt? Score more than 14 points?
Vikings @ Saints
I would love for the Saints to go 0-3. I would also love a million dollars and a father who isn’t disappointed in me.
Texans @ Giants
Are you there God? It’s me. 7 days sure went by fast, huh? Remember last week how you answered my prayers? Remember how I sang your praises as Drew Stanton carved up an NFL defense in the year of our lord you 2014? Would it be too much to double down? I know there are starving children and natural disasters and video game scandals, but could you do me a solid and focus your resources on making sure Fitzmagic and his Snidely Whiplash beard throw for 300 yards?
Cowboys @ Rams
DeMarco Murray broke the Cowboys rushing record his first year against the Rams, then ran for another 175 their next meeting. The thing is, Dallas is now actually committed to running the ball and has an offensive line to back that up, which means he’ll snap both of his ankles on his second carry.
49ers @ Cardinals
Arizona’s defense loses more and more starters every week, which can only mean Carson Palmer is harvesting their organs and will soon be able to return as Frankenstein’s Quarterback and throw game clenching interceptions. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s been chased out of town by an angry mob.
Chiefs @ Dolphins
Let’s not even pretend you’re going to watch a single second of this game. Oh wow there’s a Super Bowl rematch but I just HAVE to see Alex Smith hand off to Knile Davis 22 times.
Broncos @ Seahawks
Denver is revamped and ready for this rematch. They added DeMarcus Ware, who hasn't had a healthy season in about 3 years, put Montee Ball in charge of getting stuffed at the line of scrimmage, and Wes Welker is back in his Great Gazoo helmet. They should probably lose, but the Broncos will win because Peyton is really good when it doesn't matter.
Redskins @ Eagles
This is it. This is fucking it. I couldn’t care less about a rematch of the worst Super Bowl in a decade or about the Lions activating their sleeper cell early to lose the NFC North and miss the playoffs. These are the dumpster fire games I live for. Redskins vs Eagles is perfect and I will explain to you why. Imagine you sleep through the entire game. You drank too much, I roofied you, doesn’t matter. Either way you wake up Monday morning groggy and confused. You ask me what happened and I tell you it either ended 42-35 or 38-0 and you have to five seconds to guess which one was real. There’s no way you’d be able to do it. It will either be a monumental shitshow and be over before halftime or Kirk Cousins will look like Joe Montana. That's how clownball goes and it's the best part of football.
Steelers @ Panthers
This is one of those primetime games where you forget who’s playing until the afternoon games finally end and you switch over to NBC. You think to yourself “shit, who all didn’t play today?” and when Dan Patrick starts talking up both teams you get real sad. You think “well, maybe the Panthers will somehow blow this game, that would be funny” but you know they won’t. Their offense is garbage on account of Cam Newton being forced to throw to players you draft in Madden after your first franchise season ends, but their defense is good enough to completely negate the Steelers. Hope you like an exciting 17-10 win to end your night.
Bears @ Jets
I’ll take a hobbled Alshon Jeffery over whatever the fuck the Jets are trotting out in their secondary. I don’t know what an “Antonio Allen” is but I’m pretty sure Brandon Marshall on crutches would still burn him for 2 TDs. I just wish we could get some sweet, sweet Rex Ryan on every Monday Night Football.
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