NFL Week 1 Sunday Recap & Reactions - Joe Flacco & the 120 Million Dollar Dick

I’m just going to keep telling myself “it’s only 1 game, things will get better” over and over again as I cry into my pillow. 

It’s the first Monday off the season, which means a couple of good teams lost and as a result their seasons are over and they should trade everyone and start over in the draft next year.

Bengals 23 - Ravens 16

This game wasn’t very good outside of this ridiculous Steve Smith catch and run + Get Off Me stiffarm. 

But it’s still my game of the week for one reason: 

Vontaze Burfict gave himself a concussion from jumping headfirst into Joe Flacco’s dick. The unstoppable force met an immovable girth, and he hit Flacco’s dickmeat so hard that his brain rattled around in his skull and took him out of the game. Imagine your dick game being so on point that it could be flagged for unnecessary roughness. It might not show up on the Ravens' record, but that’s a notch in the win column if I’ve ever seen one. 

Seahawks 36 - Packers 16

Percy Harvin is finally healthy, meaning the rest of the NFC is absolutely fucked for three weeks until his knee collapses upon itself like a dying star. Aaron Rodgers’ offensive line continues to forget he’s one bad sack away from ushering in the Matt Flynn era, so they let him get thrown around like Ray Rice’s wife. Get it. Because he punched her in the face.

Falcons 37 - Saints 34 (OT)

How do you blow this game? I don’t know why I’m asking, as I’ve seen my team blow games in way more spectacular fashion, but God damn. A fumble in overtime? Matty Ice throwing for over 400 yards? Getting juked out of your shoes by Jacquizz Rodgers? Devin Hester looking like a viable offensive threat? Christ’s sake. Rob Ryan is gonna hatefuck a BLT tonight. 

Bills 23 - Bears 20 (OT)

I’m still not entirely sure this wasn’t just a wild fever dream. I saw this game going many different ways, but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine it ending with Fred Jackson’s corpse stiff arming Chris Conte for 10 yards. 

That’s not just strength, that’s dad strength. That’s the strength that comes out when you’re 16 and you tell your dad you’re not gonna listen to his shit anymore and the next thing you know you’re waking up in a daze as he looks down at you and tells you to quit bleeding and mow the fucking lawn like he asked. If you’re Chris Conte you don’t even go back to the sideline, you just walk straight to the tunnel, hop in a taxi, and go work at a grocery store. That’s a wrap on ever playing football again. 

Texans 17 - Redskins 6

Imagine scoring 6 points on a team that won 2 games last year and is starting Ryan Fitzpatrick. In case you didn’t notice, JJ Watt is a fucking monster. Every time Redzone cut back to the game all you would see is RG3 snap the ball and before you could get out a “one Mississippi” the pocket had already collapsed around him. Watt had a sack (would have been 2 if not for intentional grounding), fumble recovery, blocked extra point, and approximately 47 quarterback hits, give or take a couple. 

Don’t worry, Houston. That’s the only enjoyment you get out of this season because your shit awful field just lost you Clowney for 5 games

Titans 26 - Chiefs 10

Alex Smith has 3 interceptions on 35 throws, Jamaal Charles gets 7 carries. Oh Andy Reid, the NFC East is empty without you.

Dolphins 33 - Patriots 20

Hahahahahahahaha

hahahaha

haha

aaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha

Jets 19 - Raiders 14

New Carr, same destination. I will say though, Carr looked pretty decent, especially for someone making his first start against a Rex Ryan defense. Unfortunately, the only thing anyone will remember from this game is Maurice Jones-Drew bicycle kicking a fumble 10 yards backwards. God I love the Raiders.

Eagles 34 - Jaguars 17

God dammit. You were up 17-0. Seventeen. To Nothing. And you gave up 34 unanswered points. I knew you’d end up losing, but Jesus Christ. How could you break my heart like this? I was all aboard the Gus Bus, and you do me like this? 

Steelers 30 - Browns 27

God DAMMIT. If there’s one thing you can bet on, it’s for the Browns to always find a way to Browns it up, no matter how hard they fight to claw back into the game. They played the absolute worst first half you could and came into the third quarter down 27-3 and turned everything around. And then fuckin blew it with barely any time left. God DAMMIT Cleveland. Until you put in Manziel, your season highlight is going to be Antonio Brown Liu Kang kicking your punter. Just print that out and put it on your season tickets. 

You wanna see it don’t you? So do I. 

Vikings 34 - Rams 6

Good thing the Rams passed up on taking quarterbacks for the past couple drafts. It would be really embarassing if they were stuck starting Austin Davis while Case Keenum struggled to take in the intricacies of a Brian Schottenheimer offense. In other news, that Cordarrelle Patterson guy is pretty good.

49ers 28 - Cowboys 17

That famous Cowboys home field advantage

Fuck. Me. Running. I envisioned a lot of ways to lose this game. I didn’t envision Romo going into “oh fuck it’s all on my shoulders I have no choice but to throw this into double coverage” mode in week one. A guy who’s started that many games shouldn’t be making that many bad decisions. It’s just one game, but good Lord there were a lot of throws into air tight coverage that didn’t have nearly enough zip on them. Luckily for me, they’ve only played one game and I’ve already had the pleasure of having someone tell me we would have had a chance if we had put Weeden in. I hate this fanbase so much.

In the process of getting blown the fuck out and looking inept we almost go the best player on the team paralyzed.

I’m sure that won’t be a nagging pain for the rest of the season that will only get worse with each passing week.

Panthers 20 - Buccaneers 14

Josh McCown is the barometer for knowing if you’re talking to a football fan who knows what they’re talking about. If they suggest Chicago should have kept him and started him over Cutler this year you can immediately disregard them and anything else they were going to say. No, it had nothing to do with arguably the best offensive weapons in the entire league behind a rebuilt offensive line with a good coach. Nope, he’s magically a better quarterback. So he’ll go to Tampa and win the divi-

oh. A fumble-interception. Once you realize what's happening you can't stop watching it.

My options in the afternoon games were to either watch my team get absolutely dumpstered at “home” or watch Derek Anderson vs Josh McCown. At least I got to see Gano warm up in the middle of a marching band before I got absolutely shithoused off Shiner.

Broncos 31 - Colts 24

Peyton has now beaten all 32 teams in the NFL, joining Brett Favre. For his next impressive feat maybe he’ll team up with a pizza company that doesn’t make pizza that tastes like dogshit. Colts fans can look forward to their atrocious offensive line getting Andrew Luck murdered and promptly trading a first rounder to Green Bay for Matt Flynn.

Week 1 is in the books. We had upsets, almost-upsets, and soul crushing defeats that will haunt me far beyond this mortal coil. I hate this stupid sport. God Bless.