The first Monday Night Football of the year, and the biggest highlight of the night was Chris Berman’s incoherent rambling about domestic violence being immediately cut off by a punt block. He never finished his sentence, nor his thought. He was in the middle of telling everyone in the NFL to get involved and truly make a difference in the lives of THE PUNT IS BLOCKED
32. Rams
Rams played like hot garbage with Shaun Hill as their starter and Chris Long anchoring their defense. Guess who are both going to be out for a significant period of time? Enjoy Marcus Mariota next year and another decade of the 8-8 glass ceiling.
31. Redskins
We’ll get to my team (the Cowboys) soon. Real soon. But as bad as we looked, at least we’re not owned by Dan Snyder.
30. Chiefs
Oh AFC, how I cherish how terrible you are. You’re the NBA Eastern Conference of football. Congratulations to the Chiefs on going from a playoff team who suffered an embarrassing loss to the Colts to refusing to use the best player on your team and losing at home to the least memorable team in football. I’m sure you won’t miss those 2 defensive starters when you play the Chargers and Broncos 4 times.
29. Giants
Just imagine I reposted the gif from the top of the page 50 more times.
28. Raiders
I’m so happy I live in a world where the Raiders would contend in the NFC East.
27. Cowboys
Do I think they will play this bad next week? No. Will I be surprised when they do anyways? No.
26. Browns
It's going to be awesome when all of the drug suspensions get overturned. All of them except Josh Gordon, because God hates Cleveland.
25. Texans
Hope you enjoyed your week of optimism, because Clowney is already gone for a month. Hopefully losing the next 3 straight will accelerate the process of Fitzmagic getting benched and watching Ryan Mallett bomb it 80 yards to Andre Johnson every play.
24. Titans
Number 1 in my heart for completely dumpstering the Chiefs in Kansas City, but that doesn't change the fact if you ask 10 people to name someone on the Titans roster, 9 of them would say Chris Johnson.
23. Jaguars
I’m not going to say that going into halftime with a 17-0 lead then losing 34-17 is indicative of how the season is going to play out, but it’s exactly how the season is going to play out
22. Buccaneers
You know guys, I think that maybe this Josh McCown guy may have been a product of having the best receiving back in the NFC and 3 monstrous targets that overshadow whoever is covering them, and he's not a modern day Kurt Warner. Good thing Tampa didn’t give him guaranteed money for 2 seasons, right?
21. Bills
It’s
funny because even though they beat the Bears I’m still going to rank
them lower, because it’s the Bills. If they played each other 5 times, not only
would they lose 4 out of 5, but each game would be exponentially more
soul crushing. They'd lose in overtime, then lose on a last second field goal, then they'd lose by 20, then Fred Jackson would explode into a mist of blood, nails, and teeth on a goal line stand.
20. Falcons
What’s that, Atlanta? You think I’m going to fall for this trick where you play the Saints close at home and then lose 3 of the next 4? I see through your Da Vinci Code, I’m not falling for this shit again.
19. Bears
I’m so excited for an overtime loss to the Bills to be the game that keeps them out of the playoffs. Three bad throws from that game will be replayed the entire offseason as Skip Bayless asks if the Cutler contract was a bad idea.
18. Panthers
Now that Derek Anderson won a game, the Panthers can finally do what all of their fans in South Carolina have been praying for and trade that no good THUG Cam Newton and bring in a respectable gym rat who keeps his nose in the playbook. Get that TROUBLEMAKER out of there and sign a scrappy slot receiver.
17. Dolphins
I don’t care if they lose out the rest of the season, the first Sunday of footbaw beginning with the Patriots getting dominated on both sides of the ball by a team whose only noteworthy headlines were about half of their offensive line hating gay people is one of the simplest pleasures in life.
16. Colts
Robert Mathis is out for the season, which will make things really difficult for them as they clench the division in November.
15. Chargers
The Cardinals game was the most Chargers-est game that the Chargers ever Chargers’d
14. Cardinals
Cardinals
won a game, then lost one of the only healthy defensive players they
had left for the season. The race for third place in the NFC West is going to be
intense.
13. Jets
All I want in this God forsaken world is for Geno Smith to sweep the Patriots. If I can't watch my team win more than 6 games then I want to watch all the fat idiots in Boston insist that Brady is regressing and demand a trade.
12. Steelers
Imagine how bad their old ass defense is going to look when they’re facing a team that’s not the Browns
11. Ravens
Sure they lost, but Joe Flacco shortened a man’s career (and probably life) with his dick.
10. Vikings
I live in a world where the Matt Cassel led Vikings to look like the best team in the NFL that isn't named the Seahawks, and as we
all know the Vikings are basically their feeder team anyways.
9. Lions
Impressive win, but I’m going to reserve praise until they beat an NFL team.
8. Patriots
Yeah I know they lost to Miami, but they're still the Patriots. They'll be resting their starters before Christmas.
7. Eagles
The Eagles lost 2 linemen to join the one who was already suspended. I hope you’re ready for the Mark Sanchez experience.
6. Bengals
I
don’t care that they’re 1-0, an Andy Dalton led team isn’t cracking my
top 5 unless there are a whole bunch of plane crashes around the league.
5. 49ers
Thanks to San Fran for reminding me to never get my hopes up in the offseason, because I imagined 20 different scenarios in which we lost that game, but they came right into town (and brought all of their fans with them) and showed me just how wrong I was. Haha, God is dead and love is just a survival mechanism, go Cowboys!
4. Packers
Did you ever think you’d reach a point where Packers fans looked at Dallas and thought “fuck, I wish our team had an offensive line like that.”
3. Saints
Saints had no business losing that game. I wonder if they’ll be able to mentally rebound for a tough match up against the…Browns.
2. Broncos
That Peyton Manning guy is still pretty good, huh?
1. Seahawks
So the Super Bowl Champions got even better. Will we finally see a back to back champion again, or will Russell Wilson’s dancing around in the pocket finally catch up with him as he gets decleated by a blitzing linebacker? Take this quiz and find out.
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