NFL Week 3 Recap & Reactions - Thanks for taking my call, I believe Drew Stanton is better than Kap because he doesn't have tattoos

and also because a whole is better than a half if you get what I'm saying, and I think you do. Roll tide. 

Falcons 56 - Buccaneers 14

The Bucs proved their critics wrong. Herm Edwards predicted they would make the Super Bowl. Actual NFL analysts thought they had a chance to sneak into the wild card. Tampa's defense alone is good enough to put them near .500, so if a new coach and quarterback can come in and operate on all cylinders, playoffs aren’t out of the question. Even if you start slow, all it takes is to get hot at the right time of the year and you can hoist the Lombardi. So those creamsicle wearing sons of bitches went out there, tapped the “No Respect” banner as they headed out of the locker room, rallied around an Any Given Sunday speech, and shit the bed in the most spectacular fashion anyone has seen in quite some time. 

Clownball is contagious

I don't think any Thursday night game is going to be able to top that. Wait, did you say Giants vs Redskins is this Thursday? I'm gonna need a new seat because I have absolutely soaked through this one.  

Chargers 22 - Bills 10

Wait a second, you’re telling me EJ Manuel faced a good team and suddenly looked like shit? No way. I REFUSE to accept that the Bills are still the same average to below-average team they’ve been since I was a fat lil first grader.

Bengals 33 - Titans 7

There’s a lot of things you can say about either team, but really the touchdown pass to Dalton sums everything up perfectly.

I don't know what the fuck that corner was doing, but it might be the single most embarrassing play a football player has ever made, and I've seen a grown man run into someone's ass. I've also seen Mark Sanchez do it.

I would 100% believe you if you told me the Titans staff haven't seen or heard from him since because at halftime he started running like Forrest Gump. 

Ravens 23 - Browns 21

The Ravens can celebrate after a win they desperately needed. At least that's what analysts are telling me. This wasn't just about football, this was about coming together as a TEAM and winning for the SHIELD. This has nothing to do with anyone in their organization covering up the fact that their star player unleashed a Kaio Ken times 20 across his fiance's face like he just came back form training with King Kai. 

“We’ve got high-character people who fight, and I’m proud of them. We’re the Ravens, and I know the people we have. We stand for something.” - John Harbaugh 

So after the turmoil these high-character people have faced, they crushed the dreams of someone else. Sorry we rolled in to your house and snatched victory from the jaws of defeat as your loyal fans looked on in a feeling that wasn't disbelief but not quite apathy either. A quiet acceptance as they pull the plug and let death wash over them. YOU DID IT! HANDS IN THE MIDDLE RAVENS ON 3 1-2-3 RAVENS. 

This sport sure is terrible. How about a delicious Johnny Fuckin' Football sandwich to take your mind off it?

Lions 19 - Packers 7

I was half right here. Sure, I picked the Packers to win, but I also predicted Detroit would Detroit it up all over the place.

Maybe you should Discount Double Check your ACL, idiot 

Colts 44 - Jaguars 17

The only aspect of the Jaguars that is appealing to me is the thought of English commentators pronouncing "Bortles."

Admit it, you immediately put on a fake accent and said it to yourself. 

Patriots 16 - Raiders 9 

"How will the Raiders out-Raider themselves this week? The Super McVarial 900? The Fainting Goat Fake Punt? Score more than 14 points?" 

Oh they topped themselves alright. Close your eyes my sweet summer child, I'm going to examine your chakra and take you on a journey to the spirit realm. Imagine being one of the worst teams in football. Imagine outplaying the Patriots at Foxborough. Imagine having the game tying touchdown called back. Now imagine recovering from this by sealing the loss with a fat guy interception.

Open your eyes. It was real. It's always been real. God is dead and it was me all along, Austin. 

Saints 20 - Vikings 9

Cassel is on IR. Congrats Vikings fans! Bridgewater gets to start his career when the best players on the offensive line are regressing terribly and Adrian Peterson is suspended indefinitely. Skol Vikings indeed.

Welcome back to the dome, shitlord

Giants 30 - Texans 17

What a surprise. Turns out Ryan Fitzpatrick is a replacement level game manager on his best days and a Jugs interception machine anytime his team is down by more than 3 points. If only there were 6 years worth of tape to clue Houston in before they signed him to be their starting quarterback.

Eagles 37 - Redskins 34

I don’t want to toot my own horn, but toot fuckin toot. I told you this would be a garbage game for the ages and look who fuckin delivered. DeSean Jackson scoring against his old team and promptly doing a Fly Eagles Fly taunt in the endzone, a cheap shot on Nick Foles leading to a full on brawl, a Redskins kicker missing a kick that probably cost them the game, no semblance of a running game by either team, and two young quarterbacks combining for 750 yards and 6 touchdowns. And people have the nerve to complain about NFC East games getting too much exposure. You can keep your Chiefs vs Dolphins garbage. Just wad it up into a big ole ball and throw it in the trash because I have no use for that when I can see Kirk Cousins throw for 400 yards and Lucky from King of the Hill get laid the fuck out by a defensive tackle.

Cowboys 34 - Rams 31

It was a clownball double-header Sunday afternoon. Alongside the masterpiece that was Eagles-Redskins, we had a game that featured the Cowboys getting down 21-0 after a Murray fumble (of course), a Romo pick six (of course), and the defense letting Austin Davis look like Roger Staubach (kill me). And then, because why the fuck wouldn't they, they came back and won. But it's not that simple. How could it be?

There was one glorious moment where Jared Cook dropped an easy touchdown, because he's Jared Cook and that's what he does. After that he shoves Austin Davis on the sidelines, because that's how you react when you let another pass clank right off your stupid fucking hands.

What the FUCK do you think you're doing me hitting me right in the numbers with that pass?

On the other side of the field, resident "best cornerback prospect since Deion Sanders" Morris Claiborne got burned routinely. A lot of times you get mad at your TV and yell "GOD DAMMIT THAT TOUCHDOWN WAS HIS FAULT" but 14 points were literally all on Claiborne. So how does the game end? The Rams are preparing to march down the field and crush my dumb fucking dreams. And then Claiborne picks Davis off to seal the win. Of COURSE he does. My favorite part was how he was pointing to his name on his jersey as if he didn't get burned for a 51 yard touchdown by Brian fucking Quick.

Thanks and all, but Scandrick is back now. I know I shit on my team all the time, but they have to make the right move here. Hopefully Mo will take it we-

The Cowboys have replaced Morris Claiborne with Orlando Scandrick as the starting corner opposite Brandon Carr.

After learning of his demotion, Claiborne "stormed out of the facility," skipped the Cowboys' walkthrough practice, and went AWOL.

I hate this team.

Cardinals 23 - 49ers 14

San Fran’s complete inability to close out a game is insane. That's two weeks in a row where they've started on fire and apparently gotten so brow beaten in the locker room during halftime that they spend the entire second half playing like if they fuck up Daddy's gonna start throwing beer bottles around and take his belt off. 

49ers are only a couple more collapses away from Harbaugh getting shitcanned and going to Michigan where he can live out his dream of screaming at 18 year olds who aren't old enough to know better or fight back. O/U on Vernon Davis quitting on the team again at week 10.

Chiefs 34 - Dolphins 15

I completely forgot who won this game. I completely forgot it happened. That's all I have to say about that. Pee pee. Doo doo. Two bad teams. 

Seahawks 26 - Broncos 20

We all know that this was the (second) best game of the day (first if you're a boring person aka from Seattle) so there's not much to say that hasn't already been said. There was one magical play, though. The Pey Pey pick in the 4th quarter. Not only did it give us the majesty that is Manning Face, but we also got to see the Great Gazoo get all of sophomore year knocked out of his skull.

How often do you get two moments like that for the price of one? Only through the misery - emotional and physical - of others am I allowed to truly feel anything anymore. Welker may be numb, but I feel alive for the first time in months. 

Steelers 37 - Panthers 19

You would think if you drafted a quarterback with the first overall pick, you would give him weapons. You know, receivers. Maybe an offensive line to keep him standing while his bruised ribs heal. You're not going to let him take off and run so at least keep him upright. OR, if you're Jerry Richardson, you could just watch your stupid asshole franchise dump all your cap space into running backs and then watch them all get hurt. Who cares if Jason Avant is your starting receiver in 2014, you have 2 worn down running backs who might explode into a cloud of dust on any given play and Tolbert out till week 13.  

I can't express how big of a smile seeing rich old white people in misery puts on my face.

Bears 27 - Jets 19

My absolute favorite part of the Jets is how Rex is legitimately a fantastic defensive coordinator but they hire the worst offensive coordinators I’ve ever fucking seen. 

They finally fired Brian Schottenheimer, brought in a new QB, and then hired Marty Mornhinweg, who got run out of Philly for not knowing how to use running backs. Great fuckin hire. You have a run first team that leans on grinding out the clock and you bring in a guy who had Brian Westbrook and LeSean McCoy and said "fuck it, throw to Brent Celek again."

Geno is going to crash and burn because this stupid god damned team can't hire someone who knows not to call timeouts, knows how to run the ball, or comprehends the term "blitz pickup." God dammit the Patriots are playing the worst football in a decade and the rest of their stupid fucking division is gonna giftwrap them a playoff spot. Fuck football.