NFL Week 17 Picks & Predictions - Who Wants it Less?

This is it. The final week of the regular season. More importantly, the final week of Redzone until next September. No Thursday Night Football, no Monday Night Football. One day, every team, all divisional matchups. I hope my boy hole can handle it. 

Cowboys @ Redskins

It’s 2014 and Romo is a legitimate MVP candidate who has thrown 10 touchdowns and 0 interceptions in the month of December. What a wonderful time to be alive, folks.

My problem with this game is the fact that it’s at noon. The Cowboys barely have a chance at getting a bye in the playoffs. But that chance exists, which means Robo Garrett is gonna crunch some numbers, do some long division, and beep boop a strategy that involves playing all of the starters until the fourth quarter. Am I overreacting? Romo stayed in the game longer than Luck last week. Indianapolis was down 4 (or was it 5 at that point? It’s so hard to keep count) touchdowns and said fuck it, we’ve got nothing to play for. Here’s a Hasselbeck for your troubles. They literally threw in the white flag and Garrett looked at that situation and decided it would be wrong to take his foot off the gas. It’s not like Romo is still recovering from a broken everything and Murray has carried the ball enough times to ensure he has dementia by the time he’s 43. Nope, we can’t give trust those reps with a guy who stole underwear. Get out there and EARN that contract, kid. 

It's not like anything bad happened last time we played the Redskins or anything.

Pictured: Quarterback Tony Romo not having the spine to win a meaningful game

I swear to God if someone of significance gets hurt this week I am going to have a breakdown on here the likes of which you can not even conceive. I will get in back in the Christmas spirit and be hung by the ceiling with care in hopes that a swift death soon would be there. 

Saints @ Bucs

Win or lose I bet New Orleans is just going to leave half of their roster in Tampa and take off without them. I’m not saying it will help their cap situation, but you never get anywhere without trying. They’ll beat whatever McCown is starting by 20 and celebrate with a photo op on the pirate ship. Come on Patrick Robinson, don’t be shy, squeeze right on in there. Aaaaaand cheese! The doors from the gallows slam shut and the rest of the team jumps into a chopper and takes off. Rob Ryan, realizing he’s been duped, launches himself from a canon and hurtles towards the chopper at ludicrous speed. Will he make it? Find out next time on Black Monday. 

Chargers @ Chiefs

It wouldn’t be the playoffs if the Chargers weren’t fighting tooth and nail to sneak in at the last game of the season. Add this game to the list of of bullshit I wasted my time on. I got home from spending Christmas dinner with my family and unwound by researching some hard hitting AFC wild card action. Instead of enjoying my day off work or just watching Gremlins and going to sleep like I wanted to, I sat in front of my laptop and wrote about the Chiefs’ playoffs being in Alex Smith’s tiny hands. I scoured the Internet for more gifs of Andy Reid as the Kool-Aid man to pair with his late game clock management and I dredged up a list of receivers who have been active since the Chiefs’ last receiving touchdown. And then I wake up and Chase Daniel is starting. Merry Christmas ya filthy animals. 

Jets @ Dolphins

The Jets offense comes out of huddle in the shotgun formation. Geno doesn’t like what he sees and changes the play at the line. He’s motioning to the sidelines. He snaps the ball and progresses through his reads. He looks towards sidelines again. He makes eye contact with Rex and whispers “It’s all for you.”

He holds both arms straight out in a crucifix as the pass rush envelops him. He falls to the ground as the Dolphins scoop and score as time expires. With the game - and season - over, Rex looks to the field to see his quarterback lying motionless. He rushes to Geno's side and takes a knee. Geno looks up at his mentor a places a hand on his cheek. Tears form in Geno's eyes, and with his death rattle he whispers "You're finally free." 

Bills @ Patriots

On paper it’s a blowout win for the Patriots. It’s at Foxborough, they’re the Patriots, and they’re facing the Bills. That’s standard fare for a 30 point win. But look at the calendar. What time of year is it? That’s right mother fucker. Get ready to spread some holiday cheer as Kyle Orton slams down enough eggnog to kill mortal men. Orton is no mortal. He is a husk of flesh and bone powered solely by the most potent alcohol that can be concocted in this realm. He will harness this seasonal boost to rally his team to a 20 point loss. 

Or, he would lead his team to a 20 point loss. Only this is Belichick in a week 17 game that doesn't matter. There's no way the starters are getting pulled any earlier than halftime. That means they're vulnerable, they're weak, they're - by God is that Bernard Pollard's music I hear?  

AS GOD IS MY WITNESS HE IS BROKEN IN HALF

Browns @ Ravens

How do I know Christmas is dead and Santa isn't real? No, not because the liberals are taking Christ out of Christmas. Rex Grossman turned down an offer from the Browns. I can’t explain to you how much this hurts me. 2014 was such an awful year and there was a carrot dangled ahead of me. Right at the tail end, mere days before Dick Clark would have another stroke during the countdown, I could watch Sexy Rexy play football against a team who desperately needed a win to stay alive. And it’s gone. It’s not even comparable to eyeing a box under the tree all month and opening it to find a smaller box inside it with something smaller and crappier than you had anticipated. It’s like eyeing a box all month and then opening it and getting molested. 

Jaguars @ Texans

Let’s recap JJ Watt’s season heading into week 17. He is only half a sack behind the sack leader, Justin Houston, and leads the league in tackles for loss, quarterback hits, batted passes, and fumble recoveries. He gets to line up against Jacksonville’s offensive line, all but ensuring he eclipses 20 sacks and ends the regular season not only leading the league in every defensive line stat, but catching more touchdowns than any Chiefs receiver. 

I’m sure those stats will look beautiful when they’re printed out, framed, and placed on the mantle in the spot his MVP trophy would be if he was a quarterback. 

Colts @ Titans

Yep. This sure is a football game. There are only two things worth keeping an eye on in this game: how long will the coaches wait to pull Luck from the game and will Trent Richardson outdo his performance against Dallas (2 carries, 1 yard) and hit 34 yards to break 1000 rushing yards…in his Colts career. 

Bears @ Vikings

Guess who’s back, bitches. You thought you could keep him away? You thought you were gonna ride out the rest of the season on the shoulders of one of Mel Kiper’s cant-miss quarterbacks? Not in this lifetime, nerdlington. Watch Trestman’s desire to save face and avoid going back to the CFL clash against Cutler’s limitless apathy. The unstoppable force will meet the immovable “who gives a shit” and I can’t wait. Watch as Matt Forte only carries the ball 10 times in a close game. Marvel as Brandon Marhsall gives a fiery half time speech to Brandon Marshall. Watch with mouth agape in amazement as safeties race to be the first tackler to get stiff armed to the ground on a screen pass that goes for 30 yards. Oh and also the Vikings will be there. 

Eagles @ Giants

This is one of the games in week 17 that has nothing on the line for either team except draft position but I couldn’t be more excited. What better way could you think of to kick off the last Redzone of the year than with not one, but two NFC East matchups? I don't care what team you're a fan of, you god damned well better be excited to watch not only Mark Sanchez’s last start, but Odell Beckham Jr lined against whatever human trashcan is starting at corner this week with absolutely no safety help.

I'll never forget you, Mark

Cardinals @ 49ers

On one side there's a young freak athlete who can rocket the ball downfield and make plays with his feet but can’t his the broad side of a barn and isn't ready to start at the NFL level. And then there’s Logan Thomas. Get it.

Oh wait - just kidding folks. Pump the breaks on the haha bus, Logan Thomas was literally so bad in two days of practice that he got benched for Ryan Lindley. I really don’t have a joke for this situation because the Sunday Night game still lingers in my memory when I close my eyes. I keep drinking to forget but it’s the only thing I see. I'm Martin Sheen and I'm soaked in my own blood and punching mirrors as I scream for Arians to sign Favre. 

Raiders @ Broncos

I've never wanted the Raiders to win a game more in my entire life. Look Broncos, you’ve clenched a bye. You know it, I know it. This game will be over by halftime. So just do what you know is right and give the world Brock "Armcock" Osweiler vs Derek "Dovakhiin" Carr. All I want a never ending series of 60 yard bombs but I know I won’t get it because it doesn’t matter if Manning tears his ACL, MCL, and every other ‘CL’ in his body, if his team wins he’s going to be the one out there to take the knee. He will add another 3 months of recovery time to his injury just to insure Brock isn’t grabbing anything other than a headset and a clipboard, and that is not ok by Brock’s rules. 

Panthers @ Falcons

The winner gets a home playoff game and a pick in the 20’s. The loser gets to actually improve their terrible team and hire a real coach. 

Every single angle I look at this game from tells me the Falcons should win. I don’t care how bad their defense is, there is no world in which whatever practice squad members are starting in Carolina’s secondary are going to stop Julio Jones. I don’t care if he comes out on crutches, I don’t care if he comes out in a Kevlar vest, I don’t care if they suffocate Steven Jackson in his sleep and harvest his organs to get Julio near 100% - the Panthers literally have Roman Harper starting at safety. In case you forgot, he’s the guy that got ran down by Sam Bradford, a guy who’s torn his ACL roughly 17 times. So good luck with that, Carolina. I’m sure DeAngelo Williams will make a miracle recovery and take all of Jonathan Stewart’s carries and rush for 50 yards. 

Let’s be honest, it doesn’t matter who wins the Toilet Bowl. Not that I’m saying they’re going to get destroyed in the first round. It’s the fact that either outcome is hilarious. If the Falcons win, we get to experience another thrilling installment of Mike Smith trying to coach his way through the playoffs. If the Panthers win, we are one unblocked blitzing linebacker away from a Ryan Lindley - Derek Anderson playoff game. If you can’t get behind either of those then maybe you’re just not a real fan. 

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Lions @ Packers

The one saving grace of the Packers was that without fail their defense was terrible. They had Clay Matthews and 10 replacement level players led by a defensive coordinator who still doesn’t understand how the Read Option works. Their offense was a nightmare to go against, double so at Lambeau, but if you could press their receivers at the line, keep Rodgers in the pocket, and force them to give significant carries to James Starks, you had a chance. Well tough luck dipshit, now their defense is good, too. 

I love Matt Stafford. I absolutely love watching him side-arm passes 50 yards downfield into double coverage. He’s like Diet Jay Cutler. He’s going to win you some games in crazy fashion, but he’ll also lose you some games in heartbreaking fashion. For every game he throws for 300 yards and 3 touchdowns, he’ll have one where he barely breaks 200 and fumbles twice. Detroit’s defense has played out of its mind this year and has taken most of the national focus off of the offense, so most people see the box score and assume Megatron had a monster game, Reggie Bush made some plays in the open field, and Stafford rocketed the ball over a safety’s head to Golden Tate. But since they let Linehan go last year (thanks again, Detriot!) their offense has looked like it has no idea what it’s doing. Sure Stafford broke 4,000 yards again, but that’s what he does. He’s going to break 4,000 every year until his arm literally rips from the socket on a hail mary. A lot of yards are cool. 19 touchdowns to 12 interceptions isn't. He’s only thrown 9 more touchdowns all year than Romo has thrown in December. In DECEMBER. Nothing makes sense in this stupid world.

So what does all of this mean? You know exactly what it means. The Packers, who started slow and looked very beatable, will clinch the division, clinch a bye, clinch homefield advantage, and destroy my stupid team by 45 if their paths ever cross. 

Rams @ Seahawks

Speaking of starting slow, clinching a division, a bye, and homefield for the playoffs in one of the few places most teams absolutely do not want to travel to, the Seahawks are about to make life miserable for the rest of the NFC. Yes the Rams beat them before, but let’s be honest with ourselves here, the only thing the Rams can do is take one for the rest of the league and play the long con. Start some fights and try to get someone suspended. The Seahawks haven’t lost a game since Bobby Wagner came back, maybe shove him after a play and insinuate that he prefers the company of men in sexual relations.

Bengals @ Steelers

Doesn’t it kind of feel like their game against the Broncos was Cincy’s Super Bowl? Easy jokes aside, Marvin Lewis and Andy Dalton went into a primetime game against the second best team in the AFC and stomped them. I can’t help but think they put everything they had into that game. Is this mindless speculation that analysts use when a team they picked to lose somehow wins but they still want to pick against them? Absolutely. It is completely baseless, has no facts to support it, but if I keep saying they’ll lose the law of averages will be on my side and then I get to post hilarious jokes on Twitter and gloat about how I was right the whole time.

That’s really what football is all about. Sure these men spend their entire lives training and practicing and studying and lifting weights and training and practicing and studying and beating their wives and training and practicing and watching film and practicing, but the real joy comes from watching them fail in heartbreaking fashion in front of the entire world. Haha, look at that redheaded idiot throw that pass to the other team. Look at how miserable he is. How does it feel, ginger? How does it feel to stare into the abyss? How does it feel to lie awake wishing for the sweet embrace of death to hold you in the frosty night and tuck you in to an eternal slumber? How does it FEEL to be a disappointment to your dad who will never be proud of you? You’ll always be daddy’s little princess, won’t you? No matter how much he wants his son to grow up and get a real job you’ll never stop wasting your life on the Interne-throwing interceptions. 

There's only one escape, Andy. Leave this baka world behind and become sugoi. Senpai is waiting. 

Merry Christmas!