*slams fist on desk* FOOTBALL ON SATURDAY? Son of a BITCH. Clear the schedule. Clear the whole thing. If RG3 throws an interception and I'm not there to post "RG3INTs" I'll be the laughing stock of my entire timeline. You will take time away from my kids but you will not be responsible for me missing hot NFL memes fresh out of the oven. God DAMN you for this, Goodell.
Eagles @ Redskins
Football is a weird, terrible sport. You start at the bottom of the totem pole and work your way up, bouncing around as coordinator from school to school until you finally make your way to Oregon. You get promoted to head coach and you make Oregon a title contender every single year of your tenure and bring it to the most relevance the school has had since Franz Ferdinand was assassinated. Then it finally happens. Your dream comes true and you're the head coach of an NFL team. You started as a special teams coach for freshmen at a private school and now, all these years of blood, sweat, and tears later, your season hangs on Mark Sanchez's slumping shoulders.
Chargers @ 49ers
I had every intention of making this entry about Ray McDonald and how fucked up it was that the organization would keep playing a guy who got charged with abusing his pregnant wife until they were officially out of playoff contention. But then the story about Harbaugh playing laser tag came out.
I read it over and over again with childish delight and now when I close my eyes all I see is Harbaugh in his khakis and black turtleneck getting geared up. He puts on the vest, grabs the gun, and pretends to listen to the employee's speech about safety and the rules. But he's not listening. He's scanning the room looking for the weak link. Captain Comeback is going to find the Achilles heel and hunt him down all nightmare long. He spots the kid and smiled. He has found his prey.
As everyone else heads into the arena, Harbaugh slides into an empty room. He lathers himself with mud from head to toe. Completely camouflaged, he enters the arena, presses himself flat against a wall, and waits for his kill. The kid falls away from his group. Poor kid, always was the last one picked at kickball. He stops in front of a wall and an eye opens behind him. Jim knocks the kid to the ground, stands over him like Muhammad Ali, and unloads on him. The employee stops the game, pulls Jim away from the kid, and asks him what the fuck just happened. Jim wipes the mud from his face and tells the employee he didn't start this. That kid drew first blood, not him.
Vikings @ Dolphins
Do you guys smell that in the air? It was weak at first, but it's so potent that it overpowers all of your senses. It's the undeniable scent of hope. The Vikings have finally found their franchise quarterback. Not only is he outperforming all of the other rookie QBs, but he's doing it without Adrian Peterson to take the weight off his shoulders. So you know what Vikings fans, why don't you open a window. Put that big ole promise pie you've been baking all season right on the windowsill. Let the scent carry through the neighborhood, bringing all of the kids to your house to get a bite. And then watch in horror as Matt Kalil misses a block and Cameron Wake breaks Humpty Dumpty.
Ravens @ Texans
Ding dong, bitches. Who's there? Case Keenum, making his triumphant return to Houston. You might remember him from his powerhouse performance in the 2013 season where he lost every single game he started. That chapter is behind him and he's ready to forge ahead and take on the...Ravens defense. Welp.
Could you imagine being J.J. Watt? You're having the best season for a defensive player in NFL history, and then you watch Case limpdick a pass to Andre Johnson on a curl route in practice. Delivering pizzas doesn't sound so bad anymore.
Lions @ Bears
Jay Cutler leads the league in turnovers. Let's not throw in the towel just yet you guys, I know how to fix it. Not how, but whom. Jimmy Clausen.
I can't even be mad, Trestman just put in his 2 weeks notice and threw up the Stone Cold double birds to everyone in that organization. It's really a genius strategy on his part. If Jimmy Clausen somehow reaches into the deep dark abyss of his mind and harnesses the power that won him all those high school rings, Trestman can tell the rest of the league "see guys it wasn't me. He doesn't even give his kids flu shots how is he supposed to handle run audibles. I'm still the quarterback whisperer" and he can go coach Geno Smith in New York for 2 years while someone off camera throws him a couple of Steveweisers after every win.
The odds of Jimmy Clausen completing more than 20 passes are slim to none, but is there a more Lions thing possible than losing a bye week in the playoffs because you couldn't stop the Pickles Train? Sometimes you just can't crack that jar open no matter how hard you twist it, ya dig.
Browns @ Panthers
Imagine all of the Peter King-esque discussion leading into this game by beat writers. Just look at who's playing. I mean on one side of the field you have a selfish, me-first quarterback who's never won anything in the NFL but can't seem to stay out of the headlines. I haven't read a single headline about him that couldn't have been avoided by burying his nose in the playbook. And the black guy? Don't even get me STARTED on the black guy. I'm to the point where I want Manziel to have a Steve Young performance because I honestly don't know if my heart can take another week of Johnny Turnover tweets.
Falcons @ Saints
Can you imagine how awesome this game would have been on week 16 two years ago? It's funny because the stakes are just as high but all I can see is Mike Smith pointing at the camera and laughing at me, mocking me. He knows that his dumpster fire of a team is going to win that division and rob me of watching my team get embarrassed at home by the Packers. I can shake that off though, because the Saints look back on track. Did you see their performance on Monday Night? It's not like they'd win big in a primetime game and then get destroyed by an inferior team a week later, right?
Packers @ Bucs
The Bills are an abusive father who comes home and takes out his aggression on his son. Last week, Papa Bill lost 5 grand on the Bulls-Heat game and beat Aaron Rodgers with an extension cord until he got a case of the beer hiccups and took a cat nap in the recliner in front of a Mad Men marathon. Aaron is not gonna take this sitting down. He's going to go to school tomorrow and make some nerd pay. He is going to find the Bucs out on the playground and take out all of his frustrations on them. Gerald's not here to help you this time, football head. Prepare to eat dirt.
Chiefs @ Steelers
I've already quietly accepted that the Steelers are going to win the AFC North because everything is terrible and God is dead, but at the very least I want Big Ben to throw 4 interceptions here. I don't care if they lose, I don't care if he throws for 6 touchdowns on top of those picks. I just want some Todd Haley meltdowns with Kansas City involved. Just for old times' sake. Some of my fondest football related memories are Todd screaming at Brodie Croyle, so please football Gods give me at least some silver lining before a month of SIXBURGH BABY WOOOOOOO starts again.
Patriots @ Jets
Whew! I was scared for a couple of games there, guys. It was a bumpy start but the Patriots have found a way to fight through adversity and win the AFC East. They might have come out of the gate shooting blanks, but with grit, determination, and a ragtag gang of gym rats who play the game the right way, the Patriots have found a way to be the best team in this stupid sport again. It looked like the Dolphins had a chance, but they remembered they're coached by Joe Philbin and lost by double digits in back to back weeks and plummetted right back to the .500 comfort zone. To think we almost went a season without Tom Brady systematically picking apart every defense he faced and having the best tight end in football drag four defenders and three assistant coaches into the end zone.
But I will not give up hope. I don't have much in life but I have hope. I will clap my hands and believe. Until the final whistle blows and the clock reads all zeros, I will believe in one final Rex Ryan upset before he's unceremoniously sent off to Green Bay to revamp their defense and make sure they win the NFC Championship every year until Rodgers dies.
Giants @ Rams
Congratulations Giants, you managed to win enough games to ensure another year of Tom Coughlin. So when you tune in on Sunday and see that beat red face staring at the field with a look of surprise and befuddlement, know that you have another season of the team giving up on him by week 9 to look forward to.
And the Rams. Stop me if you've heard this before: "their defense played great, they beat a couple of really good teams. All they need is a quarterback." This is getting ridiculous, can we just pack them up in the middle of the night and drop them into the AFC 6 seed just to see what happens?
Bills @ Raiders
There's two ways this game could go. The first is the obvious route where Marcell Dareus hits Carr so many times that eventually Derek just evaporates and all that's left is his jersey and helmet like he was raptured. The other option is Kyle Orton, fresh off beating the second best team in football, throws 4 interceptions, CJ Spiller gets re-injured, and the Bills lose to the Raiders by double digits. Through Christ all things are possible.
Colts @ Cowboys
The Cowboys are literally going to lose in the playoffs because they get homefield advantage. I know I'm looking way too far ahead, especially for this team, but my mind can't shake the image of deafening Packers fans lining Cowboys Stadium and causing endless Doug Free false starts. I want to wake up from this nightmare.
Remember how DeMarco Murray fumbled in four out of the first five games? I'm going to go out on a limb and say having a big stupid cast on one hand is going to make it way easier for defenders to reach in and ~boop~ that ball right out of his big, strong, muscular hands. Hands that you would think would be rough and unpleasant but once they have you in their grasp you feel safe.
Dallas is going to have to force turnovers to win. Thankfully, Andrew Luck has been more than generous with them as of late. The downside is he's a big neckbearded robot who doesn't understand human emotions so none of the picks rattle him. I've spent a lot of my time as a Cowboys fan complaining about how everything is put on Romo's back and he's almost set up to fail (until this year, obviously), but that's even moreso true with Andrew Luck. If he has a bad game that whole ship sinks. The problem is, he's never shaken. Even in his bad games he'll still throw for 400 yards and 3 TDs because he isn't fazed by anything. It doesn't matter if he airmails a duck off his backfoot into double coverage, he shakes that Etch a Sketch in his brain and goes back on the field and marches down for another touchdown. I can't WAIT for this game to faze me.
Seahawks @ Cardinals
I was so excited for this game...a month ago. The entire NFC comes down to one man - Ryan Lindley. Who is Ryan Lindley, you ask? I was hoping you could tell me.
Lindley is a sixth round draft pick who in his short career has thrown 0 touchdowns and 7 interceptions. In 6 games. He attempted 171 total passes and did not throw a single touchdown. He threw more touchdowns for his opponent than his own teams. And he's facing one of the best defenses in football. Remember how much fun it was to see the Cardinals as the one seed? Remember how we kept telling ourselves there was no way it was going to last but we held on hope deep, deep down that it would? Being right about it doesn't make it hurt any less.
Not that any of it matters though. Sure, Arizona will fall to the six seed and get dumpstered by someone in the first round, but next year Bruce Arians will mold Jay Cutler the same way he molded Carson Palmer and they'll win every game by 40 points.
Broncos @ Bengals
The Bengals clench a playoff spot with a win against the Broncos. I hope Cincy media enjoyed their week of reveling over the win against Manziel and the Browns, because they're on Monday Night Football. If there's one thing Marvin Lewis excels at, it's losing primetime games. People give the Cowboys shit for losing under the bright lights but Jesus Christ. 6-14 in primetime games. They looked like the best team in football for two weeks and then got utterly dismantled by New England for all the world to see and still haven't fully recovered.
The Bengals have a chance to win because the Broncos are pretending that Peyton's arm injury is a thigh injury. He's clearly not throwing well at all, but never fear because as his arm gets weaker and weaker their running game magically gets better and better. A team that couldn't run the ball worth a shit for the past 3 years is suddenly fielding 5 Jonathan Ogdens and Walter Payton to take the pressure off their hall of fame quarterback. The Bengals can't stop the run ever since Flacco's iron penis broken Vontaze Burfict, and all the stars are aligning for the Broncos clinch a first round bye, giving Peyton a week to rest his arm, and either them or the Patriots going to the Super Bowl. Why? Because football is terrible and I wish I didn't care about it so much.
Titans @ Jags
I bet you didn't even realize I skipped this.
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