Rome. Whats up. I wanted to chime in on the Panthers. I guess you could say that’s not the only drive of Cam’s that ended with a turnover. Hehehe, see what I mean? I guess you could say he can’t finish a drive. Hahaha. Blacks are lazy and will never succeed at the elite level of quarterback because their inferior brains can’t process intricate playcalling and defense recognition. Thanks for taking my call.
Cardinals @ Rams
It began as the duel of Lions backups, but ended so much worse than any of us could have imagined. Jeff Fisher, even after 2 decades of head coaching, still remains nothing more than the coach of that really dangerous 8-8 team that will fuck up your team's seeding. Combine his ability to knock teams out of the wild card race with Gregg Williams and no one is safe, no matter how far down on the depth chart you are. All this game did is further cement my theory that Chuckstrong was bullshit and Arians has been a wizard all along.
With Palmer and Stanton down, we all know what needs to be done. Get Vince Young on the line, the time has come for his own Kurt Warner Redemption Tour.
Steelers @ Falcons
The Steelers are face to face with the perfect opportunity to lay a colossal egg. Fortunately for them and only them they’re facing Big Game Mike Smith. I could pull up some PFF numbers and discuss Bell rushing against Atlanta’s run defense or trying to contain Antonio Brown, but this all boils down to the Steelers winning and ensuring Manziel doesn’t lead the Dawg Pound to the playoffs because God is dead.
Jaguars @ Ravens
Warbortles continues to play like an unevolved quarterback and absolutely refuses to stop throwing god awful interceptions. With Denard Robinson out for the year they’ll be able to switch their focus back to the power run game and alleviate some of the pressure from Blake and lean on Toby Gerhart.
Sorry about your team, Jacksonville.
Packers @ Bills
moshi moshi football fans. We have a tsundere matchup for you this week as the Meme Bay Packers take on Kawaii Orton, Sammy Bakakins, and the rest of the Buffalo Bills. Rodgers better hope Bryan Bulaga isn’t a Bad Luck Brian on Sunday or he’s gonna he’s gonna be overly attached - to Mario Williams! Follow me @NFLMemes for more hot takes.
Bucs @ Panthers
Now that the lazy thug Cam Newton is gone, a real quarterback like Derek Anderson will take this team to the playoffs. Sure the offensive line is a sieve, the only good running back on the roster can only touch the ball 27 times in a calendar year before every ligament is simultaneously ripped from the bone, and their best receiver is a rookie who can’t get any separation and has the dropsies, but Derek isn't a Me-first quarterback. He’s not some lazy laptop stealing millennial who wouldn’t know about grit and determination if he ran into it on the street. Derek. That’s a good name, a strong name. I’d like to name my square-jawed, heterosexual son Derek.
Bengals @ Browns
This is it. This is what we’ve been waiting for. Hoyer was given second, third, and fourth chances and squandered them. Twice in NFL history has a team had 2 defensive touchdowns and still lost the game. Guess who? The Browns, both times. Of course.
When Hoyer’s pass went right through Josh Gordon’s hands on the final drive, the ball didn’t just hit the ground; it hit Pandora’s Box and opened that shit right up. Is he going to play terribly aside from 3 or 4 crazy impromptu throws? Of course he is. That’s the best part of “mobile” quarterbacks. They all look amazing in their rookie seasons and then 99% of them look below average once they’re asked to do more than go through their reads and tuck and run. But let’s not dwell on the future Browns heartache when we can enjoy living through this one. Every fiber of my being tells me Johnny is gonna rush for a touchdown and taunt the Bengals sideline and I’m looking forward to that more than my own team playing a division rival in the primetime game.
Texans @ Colts
I’ve never seen another team actively try to one-up another franchise by murdering their generational talent with their shitty field but I’ll be damned if Houston isn’t going for it. "You think Fed-Ex field is bad, check THIS out” as Clowney grabs his knee and goes into surgery from a procedure that almost nobody ever comes back from 100%. Every player who’s had the surgery talks about the recovery process in the same tone of voice a military general notifying a mother she’s lost her baby boy in the jungles of ‘Nam so good on you Houston, this’ll be the only thing your franchise wins.
Raiders @ Chiefs
It’s fourth a goal. No time outs and the clock is ticking. Chiefs trail by 4. 6 seconds left. Andy Reid looks at the play sheet. 5 seconds. He finds it - the play they ran on the Friday walkthroughs for this situation. 4 seconds. Something is behind him.
The ghost of Al Davis slithers up against him and sensually stuffs Kansas City BBQ into his mouth. 3 seconds. Oh my God, I can taste colors. 2 seconds. I can see everything that this animal saw. I have mind melded with this creature. 1 second. We are one.
Time expires. The game is over. That is how the Chiefs miss the playoffs, with Al Davis in his serpent form dabbing the BBQ sauce off of the corner of Reid’s mouth. Rest in peace.
Dolphins @ Patriots
I’m assuming if you’re reading this you’ve seen the pics Gronk took with that adorable kitten. After I cleaned off my tummy I thought to myself, “I wonder how many kittens died to make this photoshoot happen.” I’m not saying he’s some monster who’s spiking kittens like he just caught a touchdown running down the seam, but I’m saying I have absolutely no trouble imagining him Of Mice and Men-ing at least half a dozen of them. Luckily everything turned out ok and it didn’t end with Aaron Hernandez coming up behind him and tearfully telling him to think about the rabbit farm.
Redskins @ Giants
There’s 2 weeks left in the regular season and yet I am more entertained by everything the Redskins are doing than watching my own team fight tooth and nail for a playoff spot. This fucking garbagefire, dumpster, trash can, clownshow of a team would rather start an injured Colt McCoy, who can barely push the ball 20 yards downfield when healthy, instead of RG3. The owners hinted at siding with their bust of a QB instead of their new head coach, and now they’re trotting out an injured career backup to take his place. How are the fans reacting?
Just remember that no matter how awful this whole RG3 situation is, these people deserve every bit of it.
Broncos @ Chargers
Peyton has been playing his worst football in years, but fear not football fans because the Broncos have magically found a running game. Isn’t that awesome? So instead of something hilarious happening where Peyton loses by 30 in the wild card round or somehow by some glorious act of Al Davis’ ghost misses the playoffs altogether, they’re gonna coast to another AFC Championship game and that horse faced fucking John Elway will have another conference championship ring. Just remember to hold your palm flat when you hand him the ring.
Jets @ Titans
I don’t buy this for a minute. First a bunch of reports come out about the CIA torturing prisoners and now this game is on? This reeks of a false flag operation to me. How can you possibly be mad at anything else when you’re forced to sit through this horse shit? Look gang, we ALL know jet fuel can’t burn hot enough to melt steel, but it should be strong enough to crumble Locker’s knees.
Vikings @ Lions
The Lions are 6-1 at home, and would probably be 7-0 if Jim Schwartz wasn’t able to convert all of his bitter hared towards Detroit into a power source and transfer it Space Jam style into the ball for the Bills’ game winning drive. The Lions protect Detroit like Robocop, which in this case makes Matt Kalil the ED-209 that gratuitously murders his own associate.
49ers @ Seahawks
It’s not often you get to witness the end of an era like this. We thought we were seeing it with Patriots after they started 0-2 and it was time to trade Tom Brady and again with the Seahawks after they traded Percy for peanuts and the legion of boom wasn’t doing any booming. Neither of those teams reached the lows of getting absolutely dominated by the Raiders. The ‘9ers and Seahawks were two teams you looked at 2 years ago and thought would be the future of the NFC for the next decade.
The Seahawks seemingly woke up one day and decided they wanted to snatch that first round bye right out of Arizona’s broken fingers. They remembered that just because they’re probably gonna shitcan Lynch next year doesn’t mean they can’t use him now and got away from what is some of the worst playcalling I’ve seen outside a Brian Schottenheimer game. Over in the bay, you’ve got an offensive line that can’t create any holes for their 31 year old running back, slow receivers who can’t get any separation whatsoever, and a quarterback who can’t get the ball where it needs to be on the few plays Vernon Davis manages to actually get himself open.
What started as “it sucks for the 49ers to lose the Super Bowl, but I’m sure Harbaugh and Kaep will be back soon” turned into “I heard he might go to Michigan and who knows if the new coach will even keep Kaep” in only a couple years. It’s not every day you see something like that. Speaking of coaches, it’s amazing how much crazy shit you’re willing to deal with when you start winning again. Remember all the reports out of the Seahawks locker room about how Lynch wouldn’t even speak to the coaches and Wilson isn’t black enough? I guess you can listen to your coach ask if a plane really crashed into the Pentagon on 9/11 every day during practice when you’ve got one ring and you’re on the fast track to winning the division again. As for San Francisco? I don’t know, if I had to deal with Harbaugh having a conniption every time a pass got tipped at the line of scrimmage at padless, no-contact practices I’d probably put on my Beats and walk away, too.
Cowboys @ Eagles
This is pretty much the season for my stupid team. Dallas could either make an insane run, win 12 games, and become the 2 seed while killing DeMarco Murray in the process or win 11 games, miss the playoffs, and kill DeMarco Murray in the process. Romo came into the season old and broken and has become progressively older and more broken. The strength of this team is the offensive line, and as good as they play as a unit they still can not handle a blitz to save their life. Or Tony’s.
The Cowboys’ success early in the season came from converting crucial third downs, a lot of them being Romo doing his Romo thing. No, not throwing interceptions, dick. That move where he doesn’t even look at the rusher but spins out of the way then heaves it downfield. He doesn’t spin anymore. He doesn’t heave it anymore. Do you know how well that’s going to work against Philly’s front 7? Not very. So thanks for finally going above .500, but it’s not going to matter when Fletcher Cox destroys your spine, we get swept by Mark Sanchez, and we get stuck right in that 16-20 draft pick range. Toot toot, here comes the big 12 skill position train. All aboard!
Saints @ Bears
Monday night is football night, and what better way to shake off that case of the Mondays than to watch two teams that can not get out of their own way. Let’s start with Chicago. That dastardly Ben Ghazi reared his ugly head and leaked more information to the public. No, not about the CIA, but about the Bears regretting dumping a Brinks truck full of money onto Cutler’s apathetically cut front lawn. Now, say you were the coordinator that made these comments. Your name was never attached to said comments. Do you pull Jay aside and apologize, call the reporter and say “hey man what the fuck, that was off the record,” or take that secret to the grave with you. The answer is none of the above, you hold a team meeting and cry. Just remember Bears fans that while you watch Offensive Genius Marc Trestman implement his system of football (ie giving up 40 points a game and crying in front of 53 grown men) that you could have had Bruce Arians, who just won a game with Ryan Lindley.
Saints fans, let’s play a game. Imagine you’re about to start a Madden franchise and do a fantasy draft. It’s your standard draft format but every player in the league is up for grabs. The only requirement is you draft 5 players currently on the Saints’ roster. Really quick-like, think of those five players.
99% of you put Kenny Vaccaro on that list alongside Jimmy Graham and Steve Gleason. Will guess who got benched. Well, guess who else got benched. That’s right, defensive stud and lynchpin for the next decade Kenny Vaccaro. Don’t worry guys, your team can’t win at home, your defense regressed in spectacular fashion, and your quarterback can’t get any air under the ball, but we have the solution: Marcus Ball, a player who got released by a CFL team. It’s not like it matters, you could put literal Argonauts in the secondary and Cutler will still find a way to drive the ball right into their hands. Coincidentally enough, the Argonauts in Greek mythology were on a quest to find the Golden Fleece, which will be what Cutler’s contract is referred to for the rest of time. It’s all connected.
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