Fuck you. That's my name. You know why, mister? You drove a Hyundai to get here. I drove an eighty-thousand dollar BMW. THAT'S my name. And your name is you're wanting. You can't play in the man's game, you can't close them - go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life: Get them to sign on the line which is dotted. You hear me you fucking faggots? A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Catching. Always be catching. ALWAYS BE CATCHING.
Redskins @ Giants
I like to think I'm a pretty funny guy, but nothing I could think of would be funnier than this:
Gruden: "No. No. Kirk was fine... We've got to play better around him. There is no quarterback controversy whatsoever."
Get fucked, Washington Professional Football Team Fans
Falcons @ Cowboys
Well, it was fun while it lasted. The last time Weeden had to start a game, he forced the ball to Dez 10 times, which resulted in 2 catches for 15 yards and a garbage time touchdown with a minute left in a blowout. He has no Dez. He has no DeMarco Murray to lean on (neither does Sam Bradford lmao). Jason Witten is banged up. This is going to go poorly.
I fucking hate Brandon Weeden. He has practiced with the 1's every Wednesday for the last 2 seasons because that's Romo's rest day and he still looks like he's never thrown a football before. This is his fourth season and he's older than Aaron Rodgers. Mother fucker ages in dog years.
Fear not Cowboys Nation, if Weeden plays as awful as he's played for literally his entire NFL career, we have Weeden Insurance in the form of Matt Cassel. It's like having flood insurance and once your home is destroyed a GEICO agent comes to what remains of your house and waterboards you.
What I'm saying is we're going to see a whole lot of Cole Beasley and Gavin Escobar. It's a good thing I'm dead inside, because otherwise that sentence would have filled me some kind of weird human sensation called "dread." Lucky for me my emotional barriers are so strong there's not a single crippling loss, embarrassing rejection, or Mongolian that could break through. The suffering ends once the soul goes numb. Go Cowboys!
Colts @ Titans
I hope you guys enjoyed the Colts' awful start while you could, because the Colts are going to win by 20 and the Jaguars are going to lose to the Patriots by 70 and just like that Indy will be back in first and we'll be pretending Andrew Luck doesn't throw 20 interceptions every year. The road to getting shithoused by the Patriots in the Conference Championship begins in Nashville.
Raiders @ Browns
It really is impressive that a team like the Browns can make the worst possible decision on such a consistent basis for literal decades. Hmm, our garbage franchise just pulled off a relatively impressive win. What's that, a career journeyman is ready to play again? Fuck it, throw him in there. If there's one thing I know, it's that the key to turning this team around and making a deep playoff run is a FUCKING MCCOWN. The front office knows something I don't, however, and that's Manziel's ball security issues. At least they won't have to worry about that when Ole Sure Hand Josh takes the helm.
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| I'll stop posting it when it stops being funny |
Do you think when Travis Benjamin woke up at that morning and got the news that he'd be catching ducks from Josh he thought about ending it right there? He caught 3 touchdowns of 50+ yards in two weeks, and then woke up to a world where he was playing with a man who can't throw it 50 yards without his arm falling off like a cheap action figure. Don't be surprised if Mike Pettine walks into the locker room on Sunday and finds him hanging from the ceiling with "Travis was here" etched into the ceiling.
Bengals @ Ravens
I don’t like living in a world where I believe in Andy Dalton. It’s gross and I refuse to partake in it any further. The Ravens are trash, but the universe will not let Dalton be 3-0. If it takes Ray Lewis putting on a helmet and running onto the field to intercept a pass in the endzone then god dammit that’s what it takes.
Jaguars @ Patriots
On Gronk's third receiving touchdown of the first half he's going to spike the ball so hard it opens an interdimensional portal. Ungodly Lovecraftian beasts will emerge from its depths and with one swoop of its Galactus sized hand it will grab the entire Jaguars roster and staff and pull them inside. Their trip through the void will be a thousand eons of screaming nightmares. When hope is lost, they will enter a blinding white light. They will awaken as if no time has passed at all. Blake Bortles will fall to his knees and scream as the camera pulls out to reveal Big Ben in the distance with a London Silly Pussies FC flag hanging from it.
Saints @ Panthers
I'm not saying this is going to be a hideous week of football, but I'm saying that both McCown brothers are starting and the two of them combined won't suffer the same brutal fate that awaits another fan favorite.
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| Same |
Eagles @ Jets
Look, I’m not one to cheer for QB injuries. That is the scummiest shit you can do as a fan, worse than throwing batteries or cheering for the Patriots. But I'm willing to make an exception if it means Mark Sanchez throws 4 touchdowns against his old team. I'm sure you're a nice guy, Sam, but Buster Skrine coming unblocked off a cornerback blitz and hitting your hip so hard it breaks into 7 pieces and travels to the far reaches of the planet like the Dragon Balls is a necessity.
To hell with winning my division, beancounter. I'd trade it all for the look on Fireman Ed's face when Sanchez spins out of a sack and bombs a rainbow pass right into Jordan Matthews' waiting hands as Cromartie reinjures himself and falls down in coverage. Imagine Revis' thousand yard stare on the sideline as Riley Cooper runs around like a jet plane after catching a 50 yard touchdown with 30 seconds left in the game.
Bucs @ Texans
Jameis Winston is what JJ Watt thinks about when working out. He is his bench press spank bank. When he's doing cardio he imagines Jameis stealing crab legs instead of delivering pizza and earning the money to pay for them to ensure he maintains his target heart rate. When it's time to lift, Jameis is the only thing on his mind. His muscles tense up. His breathing becomes heavy. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Jameis standing up on that table at FSU. Watt wraps both hands around the tire. Jameis, the QUARTERBACK, WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR REPRESENTING HIS SCHOOL, HIS COLORS, AND HIS TEAM, yelling "fuck her right in the pussy." Watt unleashes a guttural yell and throws the tire in the air with the strength of a silverback.
He's not satisfied. Jameis is all he can see in his mind's eye as he grabs a dumbbell. Not keeping his head in the game. Mmmph. His muscles contract in ecstasy as he imagines Jameis out at parties taking selfies instead of keeping his nose in the playbook. His body can't take much more. He thinks of that SHOWOFF THUG celebrating after a touchdown instead of acting like he's been there before. His knees are getting weak. The thought of Jameis accepting the Heisman with a crab leg sticking out of his mouth is the last thing he sees before he's overwhelmed by sensation. His muscles throb as he drops the weight. He's drenched from head to toe in perspiration, unable to catch his breath. His body aches all over and his veins are pulsing. Also he came in his pants.
Clean up aisle me
Chargers @ Vikings
$20,000 a game? For what, growing a beard? I like Ragnar as much as everyone else, but it's not like beards are that hard to come by. I mean I have one, and she comes over every holiday to ensure my parents don't suspect a thing. You don't see me making 20 stacks off it, I'm just trying to stay in their will.
Steelers @ Rams
Jesus Christ, the Rams lost to THAT? I guess it was fun for the one week it lasted. Enjoy Los Angeles, idiots.
49ers @ Cardinals
The best part of Bruce Arians leading Carson Palmer to MVP level stats (before his eventual season ending injury) is remembering what he did with Andrew Luck as an interim coach. Then Pagano returned and started saying shit like this:
Pagano on Luck and #colts leaky O-line: 'Been the case for 3 years now, has it not? Should be more than comfortable dealing with (it).'
Womp womp. Enjoy your hot seat coach, your used car salesman GM, and your pill addled owner. Over in Arizona Larry Fitzgerald is catching 3 touchdowns in one game and Palmer is throwing 1 touchdown every 8 passes and hasn't been sacked yet. I'm not saying Arians is a wizard, but if anyone would know it's me. I mean, I'm not a wizard yet, but I only have 5 more years to go.
Bills @ Dolphins
One of these years I’ll stop getting up on my soapbox and declaring this the year the Dolphins contend in the AFC East. It's never going to happen, and the sooner I accept that the sooner I can get back to making bold proclamations about the Vikings being contenders a week before they get blown out on Monday Night Football while Trent Dilfer yells at me for 4 hours.
Can you imagine how turgid Rex is right now? The Dolphins' o-line, which is garbage on its own, will be missing Branden Albert. Rex might rush 8 defenders every down just because he fucking feels like it. He's going to call field goal blocks on third and long because even if Tannehill can get the ball out, Rex has more faith in their kick returner making a tackle than I trust the husk of flesh that is Greg Jennings making a play downfield.
Bears @ SeahawksOnce this goes online tonight I will be seeing The Green Inferno, and I'm not entirely sure a movie about teenagers being cannibalized by Amazonian tribes will be more upsetting to watch than what happens to Jimmy Clausen.
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| There's not a soul on Earth who will feel bad for him |
The Geneva Convention outlaws games like this. Kam Chancellor picks the game where Jimmy Clausen starts without Alshon Jeffery to make his return in Seattle's home opener. This is going to a savage beating. Barbaric. The last thing ole Pickles will see before his soul leaves his body will be that black visor coming at him with the fury of a vengeful Old Testament God. They will peel his shattered flesh puddle from the turf as the 12th man (trademark of Texas A&M University) cheers for another human sacrifice. Emergency quarterback Tim Tebow will grab his helmet, and the ultimate battle to decide Who God Loves More will begin.
Spoilers: It's neither of them. They combine for 4 interceptions because God is too busy making a butterfly land on an autistic boy's nose than to worry about football.
Broncos @ Lions
We're long overdue for a Peyton Manning 22/28 300 Yds 5 TDs game, aren't we? If there's one team I have full faith in allowing this to happen, it's the Lions. Tune in for an exciting action-packed slugfest where a shitfaced Al Michaels tries to narrate a video package of that time Jim Caldwell benched Peyton when they were undefeated and ended up losing and then he hiccups and vomits off mic and Chris fills the dead air by going "ha ha, where else will you see action like this, Al?"
Chiefs @ Packers
It's a Monday Night showdown where two coaches try to out-give away the game to the other. Who will waste more timeouts? Who will call more drive killing draws? Who will commit an atrocity on a slab of ribs?
What it comes down to is the quarterback. Aaron Rodgers is too good to let McCarthy fuck him over. Alex Smith on the other hand is hot garbage. Look at the guy. His hands are microaggressions. He can't throw a pass further than the first down marker without a running start. He throws post routes like Goku charges a Spirit Bomb. Fuck I hate Alex Smith, but I would trade anything to have him start over Brandon Weeden. Guess what. They're the same age. Fuck football, I'm gonna go pretend to like hockey.
***
RIP nrr, you finally got off Chip's Wild Ride. I wish I had let you know how much happiness you brought me before it was too late. You're cheering for Michael Irvin's injury in Heaven now.
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