Saturday, September 19, 2015

NFL Week 2 Picks & Predictions - Bush Lied, Kuechly Died

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to Dez and he caught the ball.

Broncos @ Chiefs

Peyton looked completely done against Baltimore, so barring a spectacular fuck up by Andy Reid there is literally no way the Chiefs could possibly lose this game.

Texans @ Panthers

My favorite part of this is not just that Bill O'Brien already benched Hoyer for Mallett, but the fact that he tried to keep it a secret. Gotta keep Ron Rivera guessing, will it be Hoyer overthrowing receivers or Mallett throwing fastballs through corners' hands? It should be cut and dry. The Panthers offense is pretty bad, but Cam Newton can make things happen and they will probably be content to run 80 times. Then you imagine Michael Oher blocking JJ Watt and unspeakable images pop in your brain

What do Ryan Mallett and me j/oing in December have in common? We both fire frozen ropes into the dirt.

49ers @ Steelers

Jim Tomsula is my favorite thing in football right now. I don’t care about the 49ers. I don’t care if they go 16-0 or 1-15. I just want Jimmy T on my screen nonstop 24/7. It's 2015, it shouldn't be that much to ask for to have one sideline camera focused on him at all times. 

It’s going to be weird to watch this game because Tomsula looks exactly like every single Steelers fan that will be in the crowd. He looks like he should be wearing a Bettis jersey, waving a Terrible Towel in the air, and loudly insinuating that Colin Kaepernick is a homosexual goblin who makes nightly deposits into his lover Johnny Gringotts. 



Bucs @ Saints

Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints for improving to 1-1 in their home opener at their toilet bowl stadium. There is no better bounce back for a quarterback than to face Lovie Smith’s trash can defense, especially on a team as bad as the Bucs. Brees and the Saints offense will look like they did back in 2009 when they were putting up 40 points a game. The best part of the Saints playing the worst team in the league at home means we get Rob Ryan’s token good game of the season, meaning we get an afternoon of Jameis throwing a duck off his backfoot and some dumpster corner housing it. What does this mean for you? Shots of Jameis pouting cutting to shots of Rob Ryan furiously fist pumping and yelling FUCK YEAH. That’s what football’s all about: old fat white guys celebrating a minority’s mistake.

Same

Lions @ Vikings

The never ending battle to gift wrap the NFC North to the Packers wages on. No Jordy Nelson? No problem, because the Lions are going to give up 30 straight points and blow a 21-3 lead and the Vikings are going to shit their pants in every aspect of the game while Trent Dilfer yells at me for 3 hours, daring me to stop watching football and do something with my life.

Remember in the before time, long long ago before the world knew Adrian Peterson was using his best friend Plank to decimate his first born like a son of a shepherd? It was only a few years ago that Peterson was known universally as one of the best running backs of this era. Most of those runs came from running out of the I formation and gaining a full head of steam before taking the handoff and truck sticking some free safety so hard his soul left his body. Well enjoy shotgun draws, idiot. I love the NFL. Coaches like Norv Turner can fail over and over again but he’s still guaranteed to get rehired.

If there’s one thing I love more than the Vikings finding new ways to subvert even the lowest of expectations, it’s the perpetual failure machine that is the Detroit Lions. Another year of Stafford throwing for 300 yards, the announcer saying “this might be the year he puts it all together,” and then he throws a game sealing interception. This is the part of the preview where I tell you that the Lions are due for one of those soul-crushing blown victories every year, and they were nice enough to get it out of the way early in the season against an out of conference opponent instead of against the Bears or one of the good teams in their division. This is also the part where I remind you that Jim Caldwell is still their coach.

Legend has it you can still hear the wet fart from his Hail Mary echoing throughout Levi's Stadium. 

Cardinals @ Bears

I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but if you don’t want to see Bruce Arians take a revitalized Carson Palmer and CJ2K into a deep playoff run then maybe you’re not watching this stupid sport for the right reasons.

Patriots @ Bills

Poor Buffalo fans. Filled with optimism after decimating the Colts last weekend, looking forward to Tom Brady coming into their house for the first game since deflategate. Their poor, broken minds can’t comprehend the unbridled terror Belichick has in store for them. Tyrod isn’t just going to have a bad game, he’s going to get fucked apart in front of a bunch of Buffaloians…Buffaloans…Buffa…drunks.

Chargers @ Bengals

A battle for the ages. Which of these powerhouses of the AFC will earn the right to get clowned in the wild card round by Andrew Luck? Will it be the Chargers, who are already in midseason form after losing a starting offensive lineman, or will it be the Bengals, who are still starting Andy Dalton? Geno Atkins is back to looking like Geno Atkins, and a 300 pound husk of flesh and meat will be starting opposite him in place of DJ Fluker. In a game of this calibur, there’s one deciding factor: Danny Woodhead. If he was the first one at practice and the last one to leave, then the Chargers should be able to scrape out a close win. If he wasn’t a gymrat who kept his nose in the playbook, they might be in for a long afternoon. Grit, scrapiness, and melanin. Three keys to victory.

Titans @ Browns

Don’t even pretend you’re going to watch this game. You know deep down it’s too good to be true. Mariota vs Manziel? That should be awesome! And then you remember the Browns defense, while not great, isn’t the Tampa Bay “11 trash cans playing cover 2” defense so he’s going to struggle. And Johnny Manziel is still NFL Manziel, not A&M Manziel. Mariota will come crashing down to Earth, Manziel will have zero pocket awareness, and the game will be decided by a defensive touchdown. At least we’ll always have this



Falcons @ Giants

I’ve got to hand it to the NFC East: even when my expectations are sky high for clownball they always find new ways to top themselves. How often do you see a team win the turnover battle 3-0 and hand the game over in the final seconds? Coughlin and Eli have brought 2 Super Bowl wins to this franchise, and to have your finger so far from the pulse that you throw it out of bounds AND tell Jennings not to score? When you’re thumbing through the schedule at the end of the season trying to put everything into perspective, that game is going to stand out. If their year continues like I think it will, they’ll be able to point to this game as a microcosm of all their entire season. This week doesn’t look much more promising, as it’s going to be all hands on deck trying to cover Julio Jones. If their dline can’t get their hands on Matt Ryan, it’s going to be a very long game.


Rams @ Redskins

Speaking of bad games. I propose a vote that we don’t actually watch this, we just remember that time Jeff Fisher sent out everyone the Rams drafted from the RG3 trade to the coin toss as team captains, have a hearty laugh, and watch Patriots-Bills instead. I enjoy watching the Redskins fall on their face more than anyone, but for God’s sake Kirk Cousins is just a kid. Just because he plays for a team that wears clownshoes to the field doesn’t mean I want to see Aaron Donald decapitate him like the kid in Not Another Teen Movie. Ok, maybe just a little bit.

Dolphins @ Jaguars

I don’t want to startle you guys, but word on the grapevine is the Jaguars might have drafted a bad quarterback too high and his inability to lead an offense is going to cause their otherwise above average defense to stay on the field all game and eventually wear down and give up big plays. I know, right? I totally thought this was gonna be their year.

Don't worry Blake, you'll have plenty of time to stew about fans' opinions of your garbage team's playcalling while on the bench after throwing your second pick six of the day.

THEY'RE LIKE KINDERGARTNERS

Ravens @ Raiders

Steve Smith has been locked in a room since last Sunday. There are no windows. There is no light bulb. There is only a television and a rickety old chair, hand crafted by a Guatemalan peasant. Steve Smith has been watching his dropped game winning touchdown on loop. Again and again. Repeatedly and repeatedly. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back. And to the left.

He is going to take the field against a team that lost both safeties last week and commit unspeakable crimes out there. Every time he hauls in a catch he’s going to punch the corner in the face so the penalty wipes out the play and he gets to do it all over again. He’s going to have 27 catches for 750 yards all wiped out and finish with a 1 catch 12 yard statline and it’s going to be the best thing that happens all season.

Cowboys @ Eagles

You know, when Dallas locked up Dez Bryant long term I was excited because the combination of him, Terrence Williams, and Cole Beasley meant the tradition of Romo turning some garbage tier receiver into a viable receiving option was over. The football Gods sensed my optimism and punished me for having hope or happiness as I rightly deserved. Cole Beasley sure as shit isn’t playing outside, so ladies and gentlemen welcome X receiver Devin Street, your newest contestant in the Patrick Crayton sweepstakes. I’d say Laurent Robinson, but Laurent Robinson doesn’t even remember who Laurent Robinson is. His brain was replaced with a heaping helping of scrambled eggs just like mama used to make, and he will be remember for that one good half season in Dallas and as a name on a future CTE suicide study.

The Cowboys also lost Randy Gregory, because bad things happen to bad people and I am a flesh suit filled to the brim with trash. No pass rush means death by a thousand checkdowns. Sam Bradford is doing to dink and dunk his way to 50 passing attempts for 300 yards and 4 touchdowns while DeMarco Murray and Sean Lee collide in an ACL explosion. This matchup reeks of an Eagles 24-3 halftime lead that will end in either a furious comeback where Tony throws 4 touchdowns in 2 quarters or a limpdick 1 TD 2 INT shitshow because La’El Collins is making his NFL debut against Fletcher Cox. You would think the Last Son of Krypton would be able to handle some Cox but what do I know, I’m more into Marvel.

Oh by the way, did you know Dez might be out longer than 6 weeks? Oh, you didn’t? Check out my suicide note, all the details are there.



Seahawks @ Packers

Take a shot every time they show footage from either last year’s NFC Championship or the Fail Mary. Sounds like a lot, but it’s the only way you’re gonna keep up with Al Michaels.

The problem with facing the Packers is you forget just how unfair it is to have to go up against Aaron Rodgers until things like Jordy Nelson’s injury put everything into perspective. Remember James Jones? He got cut a couple years ago and you forgot all about him. Remember him in Oakland last year? Me neither. He didn’t even make the Giants’ 53 this year, as they didn’t see enough out of him to beat out Preston Parker, the guy with two crucial game-changing drops last week. Green Bay picks him up a week before the season starts and he catches two touchdowns. It’s just not fair.

As good as their offense is, Dom Capers still has absolutely no idea how to defend against the read option. It could be Chad Pennington handing off to Trent Richardson and they’d still rush for a combined 300 yards. Seattle gets a lot of credit for its home field advantage, but fun fact: Rodgers hasn’t thrown an interception at Lambeau in over 2 years. That’s fucking ridiculous. It’s superhuman. It’s not fair. This should be a very close game and my brain is jumping back and forth on who I think will win. If you can’t trust your brain go with your heart, and my heart desperately wants Seattle to be 0-2. I need reporters to hound Pete Carroll about losing control of his team and him to respond by telling said reporters that the only thing controlled is the media, and how they need to open their eyes and realize building 7 was a controlled demolition.

Jets @ Colts

One of these teams won by 20 and one of them lost by 20. Imagine my (Bovada account’s) surprise when the Colts got dismantled by Tyrod Taylor and Ryan Fitzpatrick didn’t simultaneously shit and piss himself on national television. Why am I picking the team that lost by 20? Because nothing about that Jets win is sustainable. They’re not going to be facing Fitzmagic, and they’re not going to recover five fumbles, including ripping the ball out of a cornerback’s hands on an interception return. That kind of luck will work on some teams, and maybe if they can make a habit out of knocking grade school memories out of starting quarterbacks’ heads in the first drive they will make a deep playoff run, but until they they’re going to get Andrew Fucked.


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