Conference Championship Sunday. We're another weekend closer to the clock striking midnight on football season, the one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. Soon the carriage will be turned into a pumpkin, my gorgeous dress will turn to rags, and the barren void of baseball shall consume this once-fertile land. Yes it's the weekend before the biggest game of the year - the Pro Bowl - and as usual we've managed to cram some of the least likable fanbases possible into the Super Bowl. Cheer for no one, pray for meteors to hit the stadium, but watch every second of it because you're all addicts.
That's weird, why does it say Packers instead of Cowboys? I mean, you guys saw that play, right? You saw Dez Grown Man that defender and get the ball...right.. you guys...
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| Pull the plug. I'm ready. |
Green Bay Packers @ Seattle Seahawks
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| I can guarantee I'm on a government watch list for going to the site |
The season opener feels like it was 3 years ago. It was before the Ray Rice tape was everywhere and before Adrian Peterson was arrested for beating his kid with a tree. It's hard to remember that just a few short months ago we were looking at the Seahawks as they began to pile on the Packers in the second half and we thought "with a healthy Percy Harvin the sky's the limit for this team." We all know that all that shit about Percy getting into fights with teammates and coaches was nothing more than a false flag and he was shipped off to the Jets to get some definitive answers about 9/11. Although it still hasn't been determined if a plane actually hit the Pentagon, the Jets hired Chan Gailey to run their offense, and that has to count as some sort of terrorist attack. The mission is clear: a second helmet must slam into Aaron Rodgers' calf.
I don't know if you guys heard about this, but Aaron Rodgers is playing hurt. Do you know who definitely knows about this? JJ Watt, because Rodgers going back into that Detroit game and pulling out a win basically guaranteed him the MVP. As you might have guessed, limiting Rodgers' mobility against Seattle's defense is most likely going to pan out rather poorly. What's that, you ask? Why not just lean on the run game? Green Bay's guards are no slouches and Eddie Lacy is a monster.
If you say "establish the run" into a mirror three times Mike McCarty emerges in a swarm of bees and calls a Ryan Grant draw up the middle for 2 yards. Not having to spy Rodgers the entire game leaves Bobby Swagner free to knock another concussion into Lacy's skull and take him out of the game again. Remember when the Seahawks looked like they were tailspinning out of control for about a month and then their defense completely dismantled every team they played against and they went undefeated the rest of the year? That streak began immediately after they got Wagner back.
If you're the Packers, you roll out the strategy from week 1 and line up some spare across from Sherman and do nothing but throw darts at the only non allpro player in Seattle's secondary. Let Sherman take away Davante Adams while you throw seventeen consecutive curl routes at Byron Maxwell and Jeremy Lane and pray to God Kam Chancellor doesn't murder someone. The Packers were going to struggle in Seattle even if Rodgers as 100% and he's far from it. But you know what, no matter who wins...fuck em.
Unless you live in either Green Bay or Seattle, you don't want either of these fanbases to be happy. You know it, I know it. Imagine a team like Seattle, who until last season had only one Super Bowl appearance where they got completely fucked over against, of all teams, the Steelers. The entire world raised their hands to the sky and gave enough energy to that Seattle Spirit Bomb to completely shatter Peyton Manning's stupid legacy in front of God and everyone last season. In just one year they've become every loud "lifelong fan since 2014" asshole you hate. Trust me, I live in Dallas. I've spent the last 7 years hearing how Romo is a terrible quarterback and will never win a meaningful game, yet I saw more Romo jerseys in a weekend than I saw in the rest of his time as a starter combined.
As much as I hate everything about the Packers and all of their stupid bullshit - their fans, naming streets after coaches, their big dumb bleachers full of fat assholes, the way the Lambeau Leap was grandfathered in but is a penalty for everyone else, their fans, the clock on the front of the stadium that's on "Lombardi time," their fans - as much as I hate all of that, I love watching Rodgers play. He is a football machine genetically engineered to throw touchdowns in the cold and fuck that girl from G4. This Sunday should be a matchup of the two most exciting quarterbacks in football, but it isn't. Rodgers is gimped and he'll risk his health and take huge shots after the play only to get back to the line and watch James Starks get tackled behind the line.
As much as I hated watching him carve apart my team, I love watching him as a quarterback. And as obnoxious as his Discount Double Check commercials are, at least he's not as milquetoast as Russell Wilson. Wilson is the most amazing player on the field in any game he's playing in but the least exciting human being afterwards. Look at this.
That's the lamest shit I've ever seen. As much as I hate those god damned Cheesehead hats, I hate the twelfth man so much more. Your unofficial mascots are a gimmick stolen from Texas A&M (home of General Dog and grode jars) and Macklemore. Everyone is terrible, let me ride a meteor from space Dr. Strangelove style and cleanse the Earth of all of it.
Indianapolis Colts @ New England Patriots
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| Trent Richardson's playoff totals: 4 games. 4 carries. 1 yard. 1 lost fumble. |
Finally, Boston has something to celebrate. For too long have they dealt with year after year of clinching a playoff spot and having the best QB-coaching tandem in football, maybe even in football history. And Indy. Poor, downtrodden Indy fans, who had to wait an entire season before finding their next generational hall of fame talent. I love football for the storylines, and this is as feel good of a story as there is. Shakespeare couldn't write something this beautiful.
Don't look now but the Colts offensive line might not be a blazing dumpster fire after all. It was no surprise that they stonewalled the Bengals two weeks ago as the Bengals haven't been able to pressure anything outside of scarecrows and junior varsity teams, but the way they completley shut down DeMarcus Ware and Von Miller was surprising to say the least. Well, sort of surprising. As a Cowboys fan, believe me I am SHOCKED to see Ware rack up sacks in the regular season and then become invisible in a big game. Absolutely bamboozled.
New England's pass rush isn't terrible, but it's nothing like what you see out of teams like Baltimore. Vince Wilfork is silently having a pretty bad year and Chandler Jones is decent, but nothing about watching them play strikes fear into the heart of a quarterback who has to face JJ Watt twice a year for the rest of his life. If Luck is able to stand back there and throw, he will destroy you. Sure, he'll throw two or three balls up in the air into double coverage for shits and giggles, but he is a relentless touchdown mountain man who will keep throwing it until you destroy him. He is Hydra, and for every interception he throws he throws 2 more touchdowns. Unless it's against New England.
Andrew Luck's career against New England hasn't gone well. In the three games he's played against the Patriots, the Colts have lost by 21, 22, and 35. Past failure isn't indicative of anything in the future, but it doesn't inspire a lot of confidence either. Earlier this year the Patriots ran all over them in ways people speak about hypothetically. It was the kind of blocking you see in Madden when you boost all of the sliders in your favor. Every linebacker got picked off, every guard kickout was executed perfectly, and nobody could get past Gronk. Jonas Gray rushed for 4 touchdowns and was promptly beheaded and buried in Foxborough as Carousel approached to ensure the football Gods would grant them another AFC East championship. New England used a sixth lineman on almost 40 snaps. He wasn't even active against the Ravens last week. The Patriots didn't hand the ball off a single time in the second half. What's the point? They don't give a shit. Bellichick dismantle your team and game plan your soul into nothingness while finding a way to crush every ounce of joy you've ever had.
New England's turnaround early in the season can be linked primarily to two things: Gronkowski's snap count increasing by the week and the emergence of Bryan Stork at center. Stork suffered a knee injury last week and won't be playing, and this is looking like Indy's one advantage. I'm not going to say that the line performed poorly with Stork gone, but they didn't run the ball a single time in two quarters and ran passing plays out of four-linemen sets. So you know, a lot of confidence in this group.
The biggest question in this game isn't which quarterback plays better, Revis and Vontae Davis neutralizing receivers, offensive lines, or running backs. The real question is, who on the Colts covers Gronk? Indianapolis is one of the worst teams in the league at covering tight ends, and in case you weren't aware Gronk is basically a fucking superhero. Do you put Vontae Davis on him and dare the Patriots to beat you with Amendola and Edelman? It's not the worst idea in the world, but do you want to risk Gronk throwing your best defensive player out of the club, too? If you listen closely you can hear Bill Simmons climaxing at the thought of it.
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| If you look closely you can NBCee his soul escaping his body |
This feels a lot like Andrew Luck going down in a glorious blaze of touchdowns, interceptions, and sacks. Sure, anything can happen. Revis is going to be glued to TY Hilton all night, so Luck can probably make a bunch of plays by throwing it 50 yards down the other sideline and baiting Browner into a couple of pass interference calls. It just seems like the Colts are completely outclassed in almost every position, on the field and on the sidelines. But you know what, what do I know?
I thought the same exact thing last week and the Colts beat the Broncos so hard it caused their entire coaching staff to evaporate into thin air. I'm just a fat idiot behind a keyboard, for all I know Luck will throw this entire team onto his giant Sasquatch shoulders and throw for 400 yards and 6 touchdowns. Maybe TY Hilton burns Revis on a post deep in the game. Maybe Boom Herron is secretly New England's Kryptonite. Nothing makes sense, only the cruel reality that the Patriots were destined to go the Super Bowl the second the tape of Ray Rice hit. What does that mean? In a year that was clouded by spousal abuse, child abuse, and corruption that made a lot of people question if they could even watch football anymore going forward, it was all but certain that the Patriots would be booking their tickets for Arizona. It is inevitable. The Patriots will always triumph because good is dumb.
There you have it. I bravely picked both of the favorites yet again because I'm still a spineless baby. Go Cowboys.
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