This is it. The final week of the regular season. More importantly, the final week of Redzone until next September. No Thursday Night Football, no Monday Night Football. One day, every team, all divisional matchups. I hope my boy hole can handle it.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Friday, December 19, 2014
*slams fist on desk* FOOTBALL ON SATURDAY? Son of a BITCH. Clear the schedule. Clear the whole thing. If RG3 throws an interception and I'm not there to post "RG3INTs" I'll be the laughing stock of my entire timeline. You will take time away from my kids but you will not be responsible for me missing hot NFL memes fresh out of the oven. God DAMN you for this, Goodell.
Friday, December 12, 2014
Rome. Whats up. I wanted to chime in on the Panthers. I guess you could say that’s not the only drive of Cam’s that ended with a turnover. Hehehe, see what I mean? I guess you could say he can’t finish a drive. Hahaha. Blacks are lazy and will never succeed at the elite level of quarterback because their inferior brains can’t process intricate playcalling and defense recognition. Thanks for taking my call.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
It's already week 14. I have absolutely no interest in watching at least half of these games, but by April I will be pleading with Gods of every denomination for a chance to watch Giants @ Titans. It is my duty to park my fat ass on the couch and absorb all of this while I can. It would be selfish not to.
Steelers @ Bengals
Oh good, a boring matchup between two shitty teams that are going to steal a wild card spot away from the Browns. Thanks football, you always know how to rob the world of Johnny Manziel running for his life in the pocket before heaving it behind the safeties to a wide open Josh Gordon. Why would I want that when I can watch the Red Rifle throw 3 picks. I don’t understand how you can be a Dalton fan. Nothing against him personally, but Red Rifle sounds way too close to Red Rocket, meaning you’re basically rooting for your quarterback to go out there when the game is on the line, read the defense, and jerk off a dog.
Colts @ Browns
Fuck the Browns. Re-benching Manziel? Not in this house. Editor’s note: I was going to make a joke about how I hope Trent Richardson rushes for 3 touchdowns, but curiosity got the best of me so I checked his stats and it turns out that’s how many he has on the entire season. Full disclosure, I laughed extremely hard.
Ravens @ Dolphins
It’s funny because Ricky Williams retired after he got caught smoking too much weed but Ray Rice has already been re-instated. God bless the NFL.
Texans @ Jaguars
Don’t look know, but the Texans are this close to sneaking into a wild card spot and knocking Andy Dalton out of the playoffs for a third time.
Bucs @ Lions
The odds of Jim Caldwell losing this game and this being the catalyst to not only the Lions missing the playoffs, but the Bucs winning their division are not in my favor, but the same could be said about finding a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Rams @ Redskins
It’s just too perfect, right? The Redskins gave up everything to the Rams to grab RG3, and now they face off again with Colt McCoy at quarterback. They might as well just save everyone an offseason of bullshit and switch coaches at halftime. Jeff Fisher is the perfect candidate to finish the job of breaking RG3 that Shanahan started by crumbling him down to his very core where he won’t even be viable as a backup. He will wander the cosmos like Vince Young in search of rookie banquets to speak at.
Panthers @ Saints
Oh man, this division race is heating up. One of them might even hit .500 before unceremoniously getting destroyed at home by a 5 seed.
Giants @ Titans
The only highlight will be when Eli Manning takes the snap from the shotgun, yells “sic semper tyrannis” and throws a pass to Odell Beckham Jr. across the middle and he gets a m-m-m-m-m-monster concussion
Jets @ Vikings
Geno Smith would suck a dick seven days a week and twice on Sundays just to have the privilege of throwing to Jarius Wright and handing off to Matt Asiata
Bills @ Broncos
Kyle Orton wants a Jack and Coke on the rocks. And by rock, I mean Rocky Mountain High as he whiskeydicks Petyon’s home playoff chances right out the window. The Broncos dumped him for Tim Tebow and he’s gonna skywrite his rebuttal with touchdowns. You know this.
Chiefs @ Cardinals
The only thing Drew Stanton is throwing is all of Bruce Arians’ Coach of the Year bids right into the toilet. Thanks for nothing you Dougie-ing mother fucker
Seahawks @ Eagles
Do you think Rex Ryan watches Mark Sanchez play for the Eagles and gently traces his Sanchize tattoo and whispers “I knew you had it in ya, kid” to his half empty glass of scotch
49ers @ Raiders
The Raiders will get an extended preview of their next head coach. Nobody is happier to see this matchup than police departments around the country. Finally someone will be murdered on the sidewalk in cold blood and they won't be involved.
Patriots @ Chargers
The Chargers’ playoff chances end not wing a bang, but with a whimper. The whimper coming from their fourth string center as Vince Wilfork grabs him by the ankle and takes a comically large bite out of him like a turkey leg.
Falcons @ Packers
The matchup of the week: 2 number one teams face off in a hahahahaha Packers by 30
Cowboys @ Bears
For the first time in what feels like 400 years, the Cowboys finally won 9 games. Not only is Romo having the best year of his career, he’s doing it with broken ribs on top of his broken back. He’s like Kurt Angle, except instead of winning a gold medal he’ll win the 6th seed and get buttfucked by the Packers by 45 points. Don’t worry, I’m sure the permanent damage to your spine and the inability to play catch with your son will be completely worth another offseason of being told you can’t win when it matters.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
I am a broken shell of a man. I am a husk of flesh and rum waiting for death to cover me like a snug blanket. Like one of the snug blankets you can find on the D31 endcap for 50% off. What a fantastic deal! Have you signed up for one of our Target Red Cards? You can save 5% ofasld;fkjds;lfjdaskl;gja;lga;lkgjal ;alfl;jadsfljals;
Chargers @ Ravens
Pop the champagne, we did it guys. Ray Rice is finally free. Roger Goodell overstepped his authority and Ray Rice blocked the shit out of him and his overbearing ways. Speaking of blocking, the Chargers just put their third center on IR. Are you guys ready for the ultimate revenge game?
Browns @ Bills
We've gotta be getting to that point where Hoyer is a couple more interceptions away from benched, right? Johnny has proven he's ready to go out there and hit them in the mouth, we just need Coach Jarrod from Storage Wars to make the call.
Redskins @ Colts
Here we go baby, 2 years in the making. It's the RG3 - Andrew Luck showdown we've all been waiting for.
Titans @ Texans
Rest in peace, Mallet. You were too beautiful for this world. You threw too close to the Sun.
Giants @ Jaguars
Tom Coughlin makes his triumphant return to Jacksonville. While this isn't the first NFL team Coughlin ever coached, the Decatur Staleys no longer exist so this will have to suffice.
Bengals @ Bucs
Jesus Christ, Marvin Lewis and Lovie Smith facing off in a game with playoff implications. I can't even imagine what kind of funhouse bullshit is going to come out of this coaching tour de force. Andy Dalton will throw a pick to Dashon Goldson, who will lateral it out of bounds. Lovie will challenge it, the call will stand, then Marvin will call a timeout. This will happen in the first drive of the game and by halftime Josh McCown will be walking around screaming BIZARRO NUMBER ONE and soccer kicking the ball through the uprights while Mike Evans takes the coordinators headset and mumbles Latin into Josh's headset. Just remember that even when Vincent Jackson lifts his jersey to reveal Kuato living in his chest, it will still make more sense than the Bucs being 1 game out of the 1st overall draft pick and 2 games out of 1st in their division.
Raiders @ Rams
It was nice of the Raiders to win on a Thursday so they could enjoy their only win of the season for an extra 2 days.
Panthers @ Vikings
A competition of who can murder their franchise quarterback faster. Mike Zimmer starts strong by drafting Teddy Throwsevelt but insisting on starting Matt Cassel. Ron Rivera chuckles to himself, cuts Steve Smith, lays down a trap card, and ends his turn. Zimmer gives the Kubrick Stare of the top of his glasses and asks "did it ever occur to you that I might be left-handed?" and signs J'Marcus Webb.
Cardinals @ Falcons
Saints fans will spend all morning watching their team play and immediately switch over to this game to watch the Falcons try to slow down "Literally" Drew Stanton in a desperate hope to keep their playoff chances alive. God I love football sometimes. Not often, but sometimes.
Saints @ Steelers
God fucking dammit the Steelers are going to make sure the Browns don't make the playoffs, aren't they?
Patriots @ Packers
The only good part about this game is one of these teams will lose.
Broncos @ Chiefs
This is the Sunday night game instead, huh. 3 hours of Peyton Manning sideline shots and Al Michaels talking about how loud the crowd is. The only appealing part is watching Peyton play in an environment where every single thing doesn't go his way and he has temper tantrums.
Dolphins @ Jets
The Dolphins said they'd bench Tannehill and since then he's played the best football of his career. Now for Rex Ryan's greatest master stroke, unleashing the New and Improved Geno Smith upon the oh fuck he got strip-sacked again.
Seahawks @ 49ers
This goblin looking mother fucker goes out there and misses every throw by about 5 yards and gets picked off twice just to make the Cowboys grabbing a second wild card spot even harder. All I ask is you do something noteworthy besides get fined for wearing Beats to a press conference but instead you throw 2 (should have been 3) picks to Richard Sherman. And to top it off every single one of those interceptions was worth more money than I made in 15 hours of holiday pay.
Bears @ Lions
Countless hours of my life I will never get back. Oh wait, that's incorrect. They're very countable. They're seared into my fucking brain. Hour after hour of wheeling out carts to the toy section so a bunch of overweight people that smell like burnt Indian food and cigarettes could immediately grab them off the shelves for their ugly fat kids. Every time I walked back out to the sales floor it felt as if another piece of my soul had been chipped away from me. Every call over the walkie to find more Ninja Turtles eroded a piece of my humanity. Every second ticking away was a second closer to the grave. I can only imagine that this is exactly how Mark Trestman feels watching Jay Cutler run his offense.
Eagles @ Cowboys
This dumb god damned idiot fucking team is going to lose out the rest of the year and go 8-8. I will spend Wild Card weekend watching the 6-10 Falcons host a home playoff game while the best year of Romo's career ends with his spine evaporating into dust and DeMarco Murray signing a 5 year extension and never playing more than 9 games in a season again. So it goes, things will be as they've always been. My Cowboys memories will continue to be nothing but Quincy Carter and Week 17 interceptions and the never ending wish that one year there will be a real Door Buster and someone will bomb this stupid fucking store and wipe me out of existence. GOBBLE GOBBLE.
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