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| Deadspin |
Hey, did you guys hear about this Ray Rice business? Oh you have? Let me corner you and tell you my feelings about punching women in the face. Stop walking off, I need to tell you about how my parents beating me made me the man I am today.
Steelers @ Ravens
Watch as Steelers fans act holier than thou towards Ravens fans and Jim Nantz waxes poetic about Steeler Football, all while ignoring that their quarterback raped someone in a bathroom. I love short term memory.
Dolphins @ Bills
It's the Bills' home opener, so they will take this opportunity to take the field in front of their die hard fans to show their new owners what Bills Football is all about as they lose by 20.
Lions @ Panthers
Cam Newton is starting? That’s weird, why would Carolina play their backup? Did Derek Anderson get hurt? Our thoughts and prayers are with him.
Falcons @ Bengals
Do you think anyone in the Bengals locker room gets naked and starts helicopter-dicking and running at Vontaze yelling LOOK OUT FOR THE BLADES, YOU DONT WANT TO FORGET GRADE SCHOOL and making helicopter sound effects as they chase him? More importantly, do you think any of them know who Vic Morrow is?
Saints @ Browns
As funny as it would be for the Saints to start 0-2, after the overtime loss last week New Orleans is going to take out 7 days of pent up sexual frustration and hatefuck Cleveland up and down the field for 60 minutes.
Patriots @ Vikings
This had the potential to be an upset until Adrian Peterson beat his kid like a read headed stepchild. At least Vikings fans will be able to remove the New Coach Blinders and all post season aspirations after Belichick mumblefucks them into submission.
Cardinals @ Giants
I'm willing to make a deal with you, God. I don't ask for much. I'm willing to watch my team get absolutely dumpstered by Tennessee. I'll take it. But please let the Giants get blown out at home to Drew Stanton.
Cowboys @ Titans
Romo always bounces back from horrendous games like the one last week, so normally I'd take Dallas for the early season false-hope they give. But they'll lose by a respectable margin and then you'll get to watch 5 weeks of ESPN telling you the percentage of 0-2 teams that make the playoffs.
Jaguars @ Redskins
If Checkdown Chad fucks this game up I’m going to be even agnrier than I will be watching my team get burned by Nate Washington’s decrepit corpse.
Seahawks @ Chargers
Watching Seattle do what they did to a team as good as Green Bay is like watching your dad get beat up. They’re just going to keep winning forever and ever and there’s nothing we can do about it but watch all the 12th man jerseys and Macklemore fans duplicate like zombies. There's simply too many to stop, you have no choice but to blow your brains out before they overrun the bunker.
Rams @ Buccaneers
Congratulations to the Rams from going from an NFC wildcard dark horse to the worst team in the NFL.
Chiefs @ Broncos
Peyton Manning will destroy them with extreme prejudice
Jets @ Packers
Jordy Nelson is going to have approximately 700 yards receiving today and he's going to do that stupid god damned Lambeau Leap 4 times and jump right into those fat idiots' hands and God damnit I hate the Packers.
Texans @ Raiders
Could you imagine being stuck watching this game?
Bears @ 49ers
Marshall and Jeffrey are doubtful, so congrats to the 49ers on being 2-0 to start the season.
Eagles @ Colts
This is a real conflict of interests for me. On one hand, fuck the Eagles forever and always, until my dying breath. On the other hand, it’s unbelievably satisfying for me to watch other teams make frantic 4th quarter comebacks only to be snuffed out in the final minutes. HOW DOES IT FEEL? IT HURTS, DOESN’T IT?
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