NFL Week 3 Picks & Predictions - Brandon Weeden Pass to Darren DankFadden INTERCEPTED

Put. That coffee. Down. Coffee's for catchers only

Fuck you. That's my name. You know why, mister? You drove a Hyundai to get here. I drove an eighty-thousand dollar BMW. THAT'S my name. And your name is you're wanting. You can't play in the man's game, you can't close them - go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life: Get them to sign on the line which is dotted. You hear me you fucking faggots? A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Catching. Always be catching. ALWAYS BE CATCHING.

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NFL Week 2 Picks & Predictions - Bush Lied, Kuechly Died

I walk a lonely road

The only one that I have ever known

Don't know where it goes

But it's home to Dez and he caught the ball.

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NFL Week 1 Picks & Predictions - We Made It

Now and then the less organised ululation would cease, and from what seemed a well-drilled chorus of hoarse voices would rise in sing-song chant that hideous phrase or ritual:“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl Dez Caught It fhtagn.”

Steelers @ Patriots

Considering how weak the Steelers' defense looks, I’m almost certain that they won’t score a garbage time touchdown with 2 seconds left in the game and cover the spread and cost me 20 cock sucking dollars.

Packers @ Bears

The NFL’s oldest rivalry is rekindled when Green Bay travels to Soldier Field, a stadium rich in prestige, to dumpster the Bears 74-0. The Packers are without Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb will be dinged up, so DaVante Adams will have to pick up the slack and rack up 200 receiving yards against a bunch of trash cans wearing Bears jerseys. 

Eddie Royal and Alshon Jeffery might not play for Chicago, so I hope you're excited to watch Jay Cutler force balls to Marquess Wilson (I am). Defensively…oh man. Defensively. The only notable defenders are guys playing out of position that are either in their mid 30’s and have lost a step or are coming off severe injuries. It’s almost like the football Gods heard us talking about the Bears fielding the 47th worst defense in football last year and is desperate to prove us wrong. What’s that, it can’t possibly get worse? Here’s Jared Allen in coverage, suck a dick dumbshits. 

As an NFL owner, I look forward to watching My Packers open the first NFL Sunday with an episode of Breaking Madden, and for the only shot Cutler has is one right down the seams into Clinton-Dix's hands. 

Chiefs @ Texans

I’m not gonna lie, I legitimately forgot who Houston was starting at quarterback. Imagine my surprise when I realized a team watched Brian Hoyer play last season and thought “yeah, this is probably the missing piece.” Fortunately for them they also have JJ Watt, who has proven without a shadow of the doubt that this is a quarterback league. It doesn’t matter if you’re the best defensive player in NFL history, if your quarterback is T.J. Yates you’re still only gonna win 2 games. I’m so over everything about Watt's "Doing Things the Right Way" bullshit persona. I don’t care how good he is, he’s the posterchild for the entire baby boomer old white guy “WHY DONT THEY JUST PUT SKIRTS ON EM” football fan. Chris Berman pounds one out to the thought of Watt spitting on him and calling him a lazy millennial who needs to pull himself up by his bootstraps. Every time JJ complains about selfies Mike Ditka’s knees get weak and he stains his khakis with silly string. I'd still murder distant relatives in the middle of the night if it meant he'd play for my team, though. 

Browns @ Jets

I have to say, I really appreciate this game occurring in week 1. We’ve patiently waited through baseball and in return we've been rewarded with the Dumpster Bowl first thing Sunday morning. I'm so excited to watch Todd Bowles put 6 defensive backs on the field and force whatever garbage McCown brother is inexplicably starting for a team this year deal with it. I'm sure Number One Receiver Andrew Hawkins will do just fine against Revis, and Literally A Starting Receiver in 2015 Brian Hartline will probably get open plenty against Cromartie. The Browns have literally no way to generate offense against New York's defense, and yet it will still end up being a 7-3 game. I missed you so much, football. Enjoy losing to Ryan Fitzpatrick shitbirds, reap what you sow for releasing T-Peezy. 

The brown remains unchanged

Colts @ Bills

I really hope one day there will be more than 3 good teams in the AFC. Unfortunately, today is not that day, so every team the Colts face that isn’t the Patriots or Broncos is going to end with Andrew Luck throwing four touchdowns.
Let me go ahead and spoil the rest of the season for you: Colts are gonna win double digit games and then lose by 30 to the Patriots whenever they meet in the playoffs.

I'm more interested in the Bills because they have quietly assembled every Madden team I've ever built. Top tier quarterback? Too expensive. Good offensive line? Waste of draft picks. Just get me someone cheap who can scramble when the pocket breaks down and a bunch of fast guys to throw to. Get me Shady, Get me Percy Harvin, and go ahead and throw Watkins in there so I have someone to lob pass to in the redzone. I'm not saying I'd win 16 games if I was Buffalo's offensive coordinator, I'm just saying I trust myself more than I trust Greg Roman. 

Let's all just take a couple of weeks to enjoy the ride on the Tyrod Taylor train before he gets benched for Matt Cassel in week 4.

Dolphins @ Redskins

I use sarcasm a lot as a defense mechanism when I write, but I am being 100% serious when I say that at this point in my life I get more pleasure out of watching the Redskins be the Redskins than I get from watching my own team win. I mean sure, watching the Cowboys win a playoff game last year was pretty cool. But Gruden calling 5 step drop back for RG3 until he got concussed out of his starting job in the preseason and then calling designed rollouts for Kirk Cousins? It's what dreams are made of. Declaring Griffin unable to play, then a doctor clearing him, then that doctor resigning after it was revealed he's essentially been treating concussions with Tylenol and 10 milligrams of "rub some dirt in it?" Better than any ring could ever be.

What's that, you had the fifth overall pick in the draft? Did you take the best player available? No. Did you take a tackle and convert him to guard? Yes. Is said guard making his first NFL start against Ndamukong Suh? Yes. The day Dan Snyder isn't the owner of the Redskins is the day I stop loving football.

It never gets old

Panthers @ Jaguars

Let's play a game. It's a game many people in Carolina are fond of called The Flag Is Actually a Symbol of Heritage who are the Panthers' starting receivers going into this game? Kelvin Benjamin? Silly goose, he's out for the season. Devin "Drops in Bunches" Funchess? Not just yet, sailor. Do you give up? It's Philly "Almost Didn't Make the 53" Brown and Ted "Brady Quinn.gif" Ginn.

Another season where Cam Newton, who should be one of the most exciting players in football, will take the field with no receivers, no offensive line, broken running backs, and a tight end who is his only reliable receiving target but is relegated to blocking. Hope you're ready for him to scrape out a win against a deceivingly good Jags team and get ripped apart in the media for smiling. I just don't like the attitude of this guy who consistently plays hurt with no talent around him. Now Derek Anderson, there's something about him I inherently trust with my football team and also my daughter. 

This game is probably going to be boring, but maybe that bugnuts insane ramblin' gamblin' man Riverboat Ron will do someone crazy like not punt on 4th and 1 on Jacksonville's 20. 

A live look at the crowd every time Cam celebrates after a touchdwon

Seahawks @ Rams

I can almost talk myself into it. Seahawks didn't look like world beaters in either game against the Rams last year, even dropping one game in St. Louis. They're going to be without Kam Chancellor and will be force to put an even weaker offensive lien against a dominant St. Louis front 7. The Rams (sort of) have a functional QB. I stare at the matchups until I go cross eyed, and I nearly circle the Rams. And then I remember one team was a play away from being back to back Super Bowl champions and the other is coached by Jeff Fisher. Womp womp.

Saints @ Cardinals

Hey Bob, how do you want to start your 2015 NFL season? I'll take Drew Brees away from the Superdome limpdicking the ball into Patrick Peterson's hands while Carson Palmer throws 3 TDs, please.
 

Lions @ Chargers

The Lions drafted Ameer Abdullah in the second round and although we've only seen him in preseason, he looks like the second coming of Jahvid Best. Here's hoping when he shoots himself in 20 years he aims for the chest and donates his brain to science. 

Titans @ Buccaneers

Marcus Mariota vs Jameis Winston is almost interesting enough to make me watch this game. Almost. The only reason I want the Bucs to win is solely because more Buccaneers touchdowns equals more canon shots from the big stupid pirate ship. Not that it'll matter, I'm not going to see it. No amount of rookie hype will ever trick me into voluntarily watching a Titans game again. 

Bengals @ Raiders

Do you have any idea how badly I want the Raiders to be good again? The world needs the Raiders to be a playoff team. You need it. I need it. We all need it. We need Latavius Murray to rush for 2000 yards and for Carr to Cooper to be the new Brady to Moss. What's that? Never going to happen? Fine, I'll at least settle for Oakland finishing with a better record than the 49ers. 

It looks like they're really turning things around

Ravens @ Broncos

Week 1 hasn't even begun and I'm already sad about this being Steve Smith's last year. It's like when you survive the ungodly heat of Summer and before the temperature even hits the mid 70's you're already upset that Fall is almost over, except instead of leaves changing color and pumpkin spice lattes it's starting fist fights on the sidelines. Look forward to Peyton going 3 and out the entire first quarter as he politely runs Kubiak's under center offense and then telling Gary to eat a bag of dicks and taking every single snap for the rest of the season from the shotgun. 

Giants @ Cowboys

You smell that? That potent aroma that fills the September air. Week one. Primetime. In front of millions of people. Your first healthy dose of Clownball. I have waited all Summer to watch two NFC East teams desperately 3 Stooges a win to the other team, and all my months of anime and jacking off patience are finally paying off. As a Cowboys fan, I am absolutely terrified to watch the running back by committee gameplan play out. I am mortified because the second McFadden goes down and grabs his ankle the NBC camera is going to cut to the executive sweet and Jerry Jones is going to throw a champagne glass against the wall and call up Trent Richardson. It’s almost too perfect not to happen. Maybe Joseph Randle will fumble in the fourth quarter and Jerry will start flipping tables and call up Felix Jones and Peyton Hillis and get the whole Arky band back together.

Which defensive back from the Island of Misfit Toys is going to cover Dez Bryant? How many times will Brandon Carr get posterized? Why won’t JPP just show us his stumpy hand? All these questions and more will be answered when two rivals face off in front of the entire country for a pulse pounding game of Calvinball. So if you’re one of those people that complains that the NFC East gets too many Sunday Night games, keep it to yourself while Eli Manning gets intercepted by a defensive end and Morris Claiborne tears his ACL in the process of giving up a 70 yard fourth quarter touchdown. If you think this game isn’t ending with a 2 point attempt being intercepted and run back for 2 you’re out of your fucking mind.

The Giants are bad. Their offensive line is non existent. They have no defense to speak of. I'm not entirely sure their strong safety isn't actually Vincent Adultman. Victor Cruz is out. The Giants might not even hit .500 this year.

...Giants by 3. 

Good to see Claiborne and Carr in midseason form

Eagles @ Falcons 

This offseason has put me in a weird spot. It’s the Eagles. Their suffering brings me unparalleled joy. At least 50% of my football enjoyment comes from eaglestrophycase.jpg. I have no shame about this. But Chip’s Wild Ride is so insane that I almost want it all to work out. 

Don’t get me wrong, a Mark Sanchez led Eagles team winning 3 games would be like Christmas. But wouldn’t it be hilarious if Sam Bradford stayed healthy all year and this offense put up 60 points a game? I mean really now. Imagine MVP Sam Bradford throwing 50 touchdowns to Agholor and literally no one else. 
Do you think there are some morning where Bradford wakes up in a cold sweat and has to reassure himself he’s not with Schottenheimer anymore, and then he calls up Chip at 4 am and whispers “thank you” and hangs up? 

It’s just going to be a shame when he gets knocked out of the game on Monday and Mark Sanche-wait, who are they playing? Atlanta? Fuck, I guess I’ll save those notes for another week. Looking forward to the Falcons losing by 20, but still winning their garbage heap division by 3 games. Desmond Trufant is going to carry this dumpster team to 9 wins and earn Matt Ryan another well deserved one and done playoff appearance. 

Vikings @ 49ers

I love these week 1 Monday Night Football double headers. The second the Super Bowl ends you begin frothing at the mouth for training camp. Training camp arrives and you quickly realize you’re reading scouting reports where every single player looks good and is having the best camp of their lives. So you wait for preseason, and then preseason finally comes and it’s awesome for about a quarter. It’s not great, it’s not even good, but it’s a vague reflection of football through a cracked mirror, so it’ll work for four weeks. Just have to hold out a bit longer and then we get REAL football. Every single team is gonna play and I’m not going to leave the couch. My room will be a wretched hive of pizza and empty bottles. I’ve told my boss I have a vague religious thing to do on Sunday and I don’t have friends or family that care about me, so I’m good to go. 

Sunday is fucking awesome, and you wake up Monday morning and it’s like holy shit, TWO MORE football games. And then you stay up until midnight listening to Chris Berman and Trent Dilfer ramble over some dogshit west coast team and you realize you should probably stop devoting every fathom of your existence to football and pick up a new hobby like needlepoint or suicide.

I hope you’re excited for Berman to wax poetic about THE CATCH as highlights from decades past crossfade into Torrey Smith getting decleated by Anthony Barr because Kaepernick threw a fastball into the dirt. I don’t know about you, but I’m white knuckle excited at not getting to bed until 2 am because there’s a game delay to try to fix their garbage field. The Bridgewater Era is finally here, and it will begin not with a bang, but with a Tomsula press conference.

The offense just couldnt uh execute, Fryman

Now if you’ll excuse me, me and my best friend Incognito Mode are gonna go pass the time until Sunday. Later, tater. 

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I'm Back Y'all

My dear sweet life partner Draw Play Dave is doing team previews at uproxx, and was kind enough to ask me to do a Cowboys one. Read it here, then read all of them because they're all good.

See you nerds in a couple weeks, the road to 8-8 begins soon.

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NFL Super Bowl XLIX Preview - I Didn't Use the Word "Deflategate" Once

It’s finally here, you guys. The final stopgap between you, me, and pitchers and catchers reporting. We just have to suffer through one more stupid, childish, barbaric football game until the countdown to the countdown to 9 months of baseball begins. Get your Phiten necklaces ready. 

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